(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)
It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.
PeterAnything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.
(to the hotel receptionist) Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please?
RReceptionist
Um, your name, sir?
Peter
Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you.
Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it.
(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)
Peter
I can't get any reception.
RReceptionist
No, you won't round here.
Peter
What?
RReceptionist
"No reception at reception," we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide?
(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)
God, I hate the country. (to Peter) Get higher, you idiot.
Peter
That's it, that's it, I've got something.
Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker.
Peter
No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil.
(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)
Peter
She's taking the dog to the hospital...
Peter
She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic.
Oh please, Peter, move on.
Peter
Tickle's dead.
Peter
(stunned) Tickle's dead.
Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down.
Peter
Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --
I need to get this signal!
(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)
Peter
Jesus Christ!
(Peter slides down the slide.)
I've got it! I've got it!
(Emma's come over to the playground.)
Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. (Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)
(to Peter) Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. (to both Peter and Stewart) Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement!
(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)
Peter
What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!
I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. Jon Snow does it.
Stewart (on his phone): I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.
Peter
Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
(on her phone) Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye.
(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)
Peter
Can I, can I take the seatbelt off?
(to Peter) No, Peter. (Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.) Stewart, what are you doing?
It-It helps with the car sickness.
Peter
This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.
We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.
This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!
Yes, starting with "Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?"
Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. (shows Peter a black tie)
Peter
But that's too far the other way!
It makes him look guilty.
How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.
Peter
Oh!
Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands and he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'
Phil (showing Peter his tie): Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?
Peter
What's on your tie?
Peter
Oh, for fuck's sake!
(to Phil) God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)
Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
Peter
Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
Peter
You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
Phil (returning with Glenn's tie): I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant.
Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
Peter
What are you talking about? What economist?
Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
Peter
You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy The Big Issue out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a fucking bank!
Peter, this is so fucking us.
Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
FAFergus and Adam
Well, £2 billion.
Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
Peter
Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising fucking TAXES?
Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)
Peter
You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – (interrupted by an alert on his phone) Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
(looks at the photo) Oh, f–
(receiving Phil's phone) No no no no no no...
It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than Charlie Bit My Finger.
You look like the Shit Family Robinson.
(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)
(Stewart storms off)
Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.
My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone!
Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed on a slide?
Peter
It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!
Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down.
(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)
Peter
I don't want the fucking trousers!
(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)
(talking to the reporters) ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program.
Peter
He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- him in particular.
Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits.
(Fergus does the "imaginary tits...")
Peter
There they are. (Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)
Thank you. (Fergus heads back inside.)
Peter
Look at him. (beat) Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.
(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)
There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. "Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams."
Peter
Farewell, our shit and useless servant.
Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies.
(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)
I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. This is what will happen.
(looking downstairs) What the fuck is Stewart doing?
You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, "Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring." Open, ingest, implement. And after that...(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an "I see you" gesture towards them.) I expect both of you, you two...
Peter
(groaning) Oh, fuck.
Peter
The man made of space hopper is coming this way.
(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)
This is gonna be about the inquiry.
Peter
(to Phil and Emma) I'm thinking I should resign now.
(Emma and Phil are stunned.)
No, you can't do that! You're Aslan! No one shaves your mane!
Peter
I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out.
No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically.
Peter
(slumping his shoulders) Yeah.
(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)
Peter
The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of Morecambe and Wise's policy launches is ruined.
Are those the carers? They don't look old enough.
Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies.
(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)
Peter
(to the carers) Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do.
Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...
Peter
(to Fergus, flatly) I've just met them.
(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)
Peter
What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking Barabbas.
Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.
Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.
Peter
Yeah, how?
You could push for the inquiry to go wider.
Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!
No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.
Peter
Really?
Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.
We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.
Peter
But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.
(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)
If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)
Peter
(to the carers) Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. (Then Peter walks over to Terri.) Terri, I've got a job for you.
Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
Peter
(to Stewart) Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. (to Terri) Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts.
Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
Peter
Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah.
Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator.
Peter
Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye.
(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a "whiteboard session"...much to Peter's annoyance.)
Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah?
Peter
(groaning) Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca.
Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that?
Peter
What's "Tickle's M Records"?
Medical, it's his leaked medical records.
Peter
Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge.
Well, they are now, because they have been leaked.
Peter
(to Emma) Did you know about this?
Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah.
Peter
(to Phil) What about you?
Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself.
Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that.
Peter
He was mad, that's precisely what his records said.
Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental.
(taken aback) Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people?
Peter
Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records is illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent.
(writing on the whiteboard) Ah! Peter, incompetent.
Peter
Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion!
(continuing writing) What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm?
Emma (looking at her phone): Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.
Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.
The Guardian have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a chain of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.
Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the Mr. Men jokes?
Yes, yes. That one, Phil.
Peter
Oh my giddy fuck.
(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)
They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.
Peter
I can't see! Can I make it bigger?
Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.
Peter
Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet!
(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)
(to Peter) The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this.
(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)
Peter
(to the carers, smiling) Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. (to Phil and Emma, angrily) Meeting room!
(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)
Peter
(to Phil and Emma) Right, SIT DOWN!
(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)
Peter
I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign.
(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)
Peter
(still composing himself) What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign.
(stunned) Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister.
(while Phil's talking) That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description.
Peter
(unimpressed) That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign.
(struggling) I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
(to Phil) What's his inside leg measurement?
(to Emma) 34. (to Peter) I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay?
And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here!
(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)
(entering) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
Peter
Oh, Christ...
Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One.
Peter
(fed up) That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself!
(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)
I can't bear that you think about me like this.
Peter
Don't follow me, Terri.
Peter
Stop following me.
I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
Peter
All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding!
In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see from space, IT'S GOING TO BE SPACE! BRIAN COX IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!
Peter
BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!
ANYTHING! If I find out that anyone from here has leaked anything, I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!
Peter
But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!
No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! (mobile rings) Oh, Christ. (answers) Hello, Malcolm!
Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.
Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.
Yes. You sound really shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.
Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?
(Fergus and Adam burst in)
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
(restraining Fergus) All right, Fergus. (calmly) What the fuck is going on?
The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!
There's gonna be an inquiry.
(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)
Peter
Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. (Peter disconnects his phone.) So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair?
Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us.
Peter
Who's fault's that, Phil?
I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school swimming gala.
Peter
It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.
(walking in, on her phone) Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. (hangs up) Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.
I thought we weren't talking to The Proclaimers.
Peter
We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.
Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone Mad Max, and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.
Ah, Peter. This War of the Roses with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.
Peter
Well, yes there is; (looks to Fergus's office) anyway, tell Perkin Warbeck over there.
OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?
Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.
OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a tortoise.
(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)
(to Terri) Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then.
(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)
Peter
(moaning) Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses.
(Peter then hides in his office.)
Look, synchronize lies, all right? (Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.) Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play.
Yes, you actually did, didn't you? (to Terri) Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. (Mary shakes Terri's hand) I've heard a great deal about you.
Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear.
(sharply) I fully intend not to. (to Stewart) Stewart. Chakras balanced?
Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. (to Terri) Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that.
Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes.
(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)
Peter
Mary! Great to see you again.
(flatly) I'm here in an angry capacity.
Peter
Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary.
(to all) The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours.
Sorry to be, uh, contrary, Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue.
Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. (leaves)
Peter
Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?
I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. (leaves)
Subtitles, you need subtitles!
(to Terri) Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining rationally why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?
It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.
Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.
I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!
You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
