(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)
TerriSee you, Nicola! (to herself) Or not.
(deleted scene)
Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen Snakes on a Plane, but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.
Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more Snakes Not on a Plane.(deleted scene)
Malcolm (walking into Steve's office): Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like Noel Edmonds or secondary cancer.
SFSteve Fleming
Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted panettone, which, I warn you, is most panettones.(deleted scene)
Cal Richards (giving his pre-election pep talk): Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.(deleted scene)
Terri (leaving an answerphone message): If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –
24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.
Terri
Well, you've spoilt it now.
(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)
No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? (Peter's wife said something to him.) I left it on the kitchen table.
(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)
Oh, right. My bad, as they say.
Terri
You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.
(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the "Coalition Government.")
(still on his cell phone with his wife.) Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
(at Peter's office door) Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
Laters, legislators. (leaves)
Peter (looking at Fergus's policy): The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
Glenn (walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil): Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)
Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch.
Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup." Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
Erm, what about a sexy undergarment?
(disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No.
Perfume. What perfume does she wear?
No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons.
Terri
Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
Terri
Can't actually say that.
Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)
Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right?
And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged.
Terri
Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it?
Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government.
Terri
Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything.
Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam?
Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to Call the Midwife.
Terri
Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about.
The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push.
Terri
Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I will not -- do ask you ask.
Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, NURSE RATCHED, because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is "Tonight" from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't "Rain on my Parade", Funny Girl. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a Hobnob while we run the fucking country, all right?
Terri
(unfazed) Anything else?
(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)
Terri
(to Fergus) Thank you, minister.
(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)
Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
Terri
(on the phone to Emma) We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the BRITs? 'Tinny' Tempah?
Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
(deleted scene)
Terri
Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
Terri
One last thing.
Terri
The staff cuts. What do you know?
Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
Terri
You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
Terri
Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
No, I'm telling you to fuck off.
(deleted scene)
RRaj
What do you actually do?
(quiet laughter from the students)
I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
(the students laugh)
TTeacher
Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
Students (shocked): Oh!
Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.
(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)
The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away.
Which makes him easier to ignore.
As a minister, I should at least express condolences.
(stammering) That-that-that should come from Peter.
(Terri enters the room.)
Terri
Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset?
Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died.
Terri
I'll take that as a no.
Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out!
Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent.
TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!
(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)
Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank.
(surprised) Don't you need to talk to the Treasury?
Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
(jokingly) Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that.
(smiling) So, is-is this the green light?
(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)
FAFergus & Adam
Thank you.
(to Tara, walking her to the elevator) Lovely to meet you, great.
(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)
What have we just green-lit?
Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.
Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out?
Terri
So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut.
(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)
(entering): Have you got any of them yet?
No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! (Peter's office phone rings.) Jesus. (answers) Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. (hangs up)
Terri
(entering) Who was that?
World At One. I handled it.
Terri
You don't handle The World At One, Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!
(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)
We've got to put something out there, Terri.
Terri
That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. (phones a journalist) Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. (laughing) No! No, Peter's not resigning!
Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)
Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.
Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.
Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.
You did what? You s– You set up a bank?
Phil (returning with Glenn's tie): I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant.
Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.
What are you talking about? What economist?
Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!
You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy The Big Issue out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a fucking bank!
Peter, this is so fucking us.
Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?
FAFergus and Adam
Well, £2 billion.
Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.
Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising fucking TAXES?
Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?
(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)
You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!
Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – (interrupted by an alert on his phone) Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.
(looks at the photo) Oh, f–
(receiving Phil's phone) No no no no no no...
It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than Charlie Bit My Finger.
You look like the Shit Family Robinson.
(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)
Terri
Shit!
(Stewart storms off)
Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.
My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone!
Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed on a slide?
It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!
Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.
Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?
I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down.
(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)
I don't want the fucking trousers!
(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)
If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)
(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)
(to the carers) Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. (Then Peter walks over to Terri.) Terri, I've got a job for you.
Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –
(to Stewart) Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. (to Terri) Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts.
Terri
Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...
Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah.
Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator.
Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye.
(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)
Terri
Glenn! (beat) What are you doing at my computer?
I-I'm just doing Bradford & Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email.
Terri
A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. (pointing to the computer) Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out.
No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension.
Terri
(tempted) And a lump sum?
Terri
(whispering) The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do.
Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at The Guardian.
Terri
Okay, yeah.
Terri
Can we do it together?
Terri
Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
Terri
Yes, okay.
Not that I'm saying you're butch.
Terri
No, of course not.
(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)
GTGlenn & Terri
One, two, three...
(They click the mouse.)
(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)
Terri
(to Peter) The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this.
(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)
(to the carers, smiling) Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. (to Phil and Emma, angrily) Meeting room!
(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)
(to Phil and Emma) Right, SIT DOWN!
(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)
I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign.
(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)
(still composing himself) What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign.
(stunned) Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister.
(while Phil's talking) That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description.
(unimpressed) That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign.
(struggling) I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...
(to Phil) What's his inside leg measurement?
(to Emma) 34. (to Peter) I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay?
And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here!
(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)
Terri
(entering) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.
Terri
Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One.
(fed up) That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself!
(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)
Terri
I can't bear that you think about me like this.
Terri
Please...
Terri
I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...
All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding!
(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)
Hey! 2000 Year Old Man! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!
Terri and I sent what you gave me.
(in hysterical disbelief) Terri?! Why the fuc– THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO SHOOT ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, (points to his eye) RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, CALLED TERRI!
Terri
(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking) I am actually here, you know!
Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)
(singsong) Fuck you very much! (to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange) Five minutes, guys, yeah?
CThe Carers
(moaning) Thanks.
Terri
(quietly to Glenn) Glenn...what about my tea shop?
(sarcastically) It got closed! There's been a murder!
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
