Cyril Sneer quotes from The Raccoons

Pop! You subscribed to the Evergreen Standard?

Of course! It's a daily pleasure I wouldn't miss!

Which section would you like today sir?

Well, let's start with 'Ask Bert'! (he tears the page out, throws it on the fire and laughs)

Your hot chocolate, sir.

I've had my hot chocolate! I've had my hot bath! And I still can't sleep! I haven't slept for a week!

I want to hear a real story! Give me King Midas. I want to hear about Midas and his wonderful golden touch!

Bert

Once upon a time there was king with a golden touch.

Ooh, I like that. My kind of man!

Bert

Everything he touched turned to gold.

Good, good!

Bert

His cities were gold, his streets were gold.

Marvelous! Marvelous!

Bert

In fact, his whole kingdom was paved with gold. He even paved the forest with gold. What do you think of that?

Oh that's nothing! We're going to do that tomorrow - with cement!

Bert

Now I'll be Sir Bert! Defender of the feeble, champion of the weak and employee of the month! The shining knight of the Evergreen Forest!

Make that blazing idiot, bandit face!

(whispering) What's going on?

Melissa

(whispering) I don't know Ralph. But make like it's part of the play. The show must go on. (Speaks to audience) I have the most wonderful news! The royal family is coming to our forest.

The royal family? Coming to our forest? How soon do they arrive?

Er, um, I don't know. They should be here in a few minutes... unless they stopped for some last minute shopping!

What?! Er, last minute shopping?

Melissa

They're coming to bestow a special honour on one of our own! It's to be a surprise!

You're telling me.

Er, what brings you, fair knight, to our forest?

I was just in the neighbourhood... I er... I just thought I'd drop by. (he slips and falls over, causing the audience to laugh)

Because by noon on the 13th, this deceiving Daily dupes the unwitting public for the last time!

But sir, they only print the facts!

Facts? I'll give you facts! The life expectancy of a loudmouth pig is shortened every time it opens it's mouth! Understand?

You. Start counting.

Yes sir.

One, two, four, five, six...

You missed three!

Oh, I did? (laughs nervously) I've always had problems with geometry!

Bert

(about the cologne, dazed) Now that's success!

Cut! That's a take!

Raccoon, meet your leading lady!

Bert

(belatedly) Oh boy... this is more dangerous than greased roller skates! Yeeuck!

Bert

Hey! Where am I?

Schaeffer

That looks like you there Bert, behind that bottle

Bert

Boy, all of that work, and my best stuff doesn't even appear in the commercial! Huh! What a waste of my incredible acting ability!

No wonder my 'Sweet Smell of Success' isn't selling. My cologne's fine. But that raccoon's acting stinks!

We're under siege!

We're underpaid!

Are you certain all safely precautions have been taken?

Don't worry sir. This place is sealed up tighter than the leftovers in a tupperware.

Tighter even than your wallet!

The search for the fountain of youth? What's this all about?

According to this book sir, one sip from this legendary elusive fountain can give someone eternal youth!

Eternal youth? Preposterous! Ridiculous! Ludicrous! (A long pause while Cyril thinks the idea over in his head) Find it immediately!

Pigs

Oh, yes sir! Yes sir, immediately!

Pop, can I borrow your old track shoes and Varsity sweater? It's for the track meet.

These shoes and I have seen a lot of good years together. And this sweater, it went great with my old raccoon-skin coat!

(appalled) Pop!

(chuckles) Just a joke, son...

You call that a jump? Now lift that bar. I want it higher!

Higher sir?

Higher! Higher than my bank's interest rates!