Schaeffer quotes from The Raccoons

Schaeffer

I'm not teaching you boys how to fight. Martial arts teaches self-defense, and there's a big difference. Do you understand?

Hi, Cedric!

Schaeffer

Hey, what's in the bag?

Oh, nothing...just a few of my personal belongings...

Melissa

Cedric, is everything all right?

No, I've left home. Pop doesn't appreciate me. He thinks I'm just a living, breathing adding machine.

Melissa

Oh, Cedric, Cyril loves you...in his own mercenary way.

Schaeffer

We got a little help from that foghorn!

Bert

WHAT?! That was ME singing!

Gee, I thought it sounded familiar!

Bert

Hey! Where am I?

Schaeffer

That looks like you there Bert, behind that bottle

Bert

Boy, all of that work, and my best stuff doesn't even appear in the commercial! Huh! What a waste of my incredible acting ability!

No wonder my 'Sweet Smell of Success' isn't selling. My cologne's fine. But that raccoon's acting stinks!

Melissa

We've come to congratulate you!

Schaeffer

And wish you good luck!

Thanks! I'll need it...

Oh no! The paper! I must have slept right through!

Bert

Don't worry Ralphie boy, it's all under control. Care for a copy of the early edition?

You mean you worked all night after I was such a...

Bert

Pain?

Melissa

Tyrant?

Schaeffer

Ogre?

Yeah... I guess I was. I'm sorry gang. I wanted to win so badly I guess I let things get carried away.

Schaeffer

Alright class, we shall begin at the beginning; breathing.

Bert

Ha ha ha! Ah, come on Schaeffer we know how to breathe already! We've been doing it for years!

Schaeffer

You must be the advanced class, heh heh heh!

Okay Schaeffer, how about this? If we change the ice hockey game to the football game, that means we can watch the baseball playoff, and still catch the golf tournament!

Schaeffer

Not bad, but, what about the snooker challenge?

Oh yeah. Wait! It's on during the baseball game! We could flip between innings!

Melissa

Ralph?

Hi Melissa. Oh hi Nicole. Didn't hear you come in.

Melissa

Look what we've got! Tickets for the ballet for Wednesday! We stood in line for two hours but...

Wednesday... Wednesday... Ah, here we are! Oh, gee! Not a chance, Melissa! We've got to watch the divisional synchronized swimming finals on Wednesday!

Schaeffer

And third round sumo wrestlings on right after.

Melissa

Oh well, you couldn't miss that, could you?

Schaeffer

It's on every channel!

(wails) All 340! No hockey, no football, no championship darts! No divisional synchronised swimming finals!

Schaeffer

I don't think this is going to be very good for business Ralph.

(tearful) I think I'm going to cry Schaeffer!