DVDeke "The Physique" Van Owen
And I say, "I thought you were 'thank the monkey!'"
[Deke, Bebe and Jimmy laugh]
It's a mistake anyone could have made, Senator Van Owen.
Senator Van Owen? That's a pretty sissy name for a wrestler.
It's not a wrestling name. He actually is the senator of our state.
Hey, tell us about when you were a navy seal. Did you ever kill anyone?
DDeke
Well, Calvin, unfortunately, killing is a necessary part of war.
[scoffs] Big deal. I killed plenty of seals when I was in the navy, and that wasn't even my job!
DDeke
Mr. Stubbs, I get the feeling you're upset with me about something.
Oh, like you don't know. Well, maybe this will refresh yo' memory. [pulls off the table cloth]
DDeke
You were the drunk that ruined my wedding!
No, I was the Conquerin' Conquistador.
[Thurgood is filling out his monthly superintendent evaluation]
Hi, Goodie. Whatcha doin'?
Yeah, I'm fillin' out my evaluation of myself. Good news, Muriel. I'm strong leadership material.
This is supposed to be filled out by your supervisor, Mr. Saunders.
Yes, and if he was sober, I'm sure he'd give me the same high marks, God bless his big, puffy gin-blossom nose.
[on Jimmy's application as Thurgood's new supervisor] It was the most organized and professional application we ever received. It made the choice easy.
You hear that, Jimmy? You got it! You're my new boss! Congratulations! Raise the roof! Raise the roof!
Not him. We hired the person who filled out the application.
Hi, Thurgood! Guess what? I'm your new boss!
JTJimmy/Thurgood/Sanchez/Walter
What?!
[deciding names for Calvin and Juicy ahead of their audition]
Calvin, you're No Daddy Kane, and Juicy?
I want to be Notorious BLT.
No. You gonna be Dangerous EKG.
We're thinkin' about M.C. Chunk and Super Smooth.
'Cause our rhymes stick to you like peanut butter.
[Juicy high-fives Calvin and they giggle]
Fine. Choose your own name. [to himself] I oughta call you the Biatch Boys.
PHPapa Hudson
[seeing Juicy arriving home hours later after he paged him] Didn't you get my page?
Oh, you paged me? Um, I guess the batteries are dead.
PHPapa Hudson
Really? Well, I just put new ones in. Let me see it.
Oh, okay. I remember what happened. See, I was walkin', right? And I think my pager slipped, and it fell in the street, right? And then this car came, and-and it ran it over. Over and over, and it broke it into a thousand pieces! But I'm okay.
PHPapa Hudson
So the pager's destroyed, huh? Well, then I guess crack must be pixie dust because Smokey pulled THIS [holds up Juicy's pager] out of his magic dumpster!
I left the crème brulée in the oven, it needs another 20 minutes. If you need anything tonight, just call my service. I check in every hour.
Our school is tryin' to start a library. Any books that you could donate would be greatly appreciated.
I don't understand. Why don't you all use the public library?
They closed it. We heard they're gonna tear it down.
What?! They closed the library?! Now, see, that just ain't right. Where the hell are all the homeless people supposed to take their naps? Somethin' oughta be done.
I'll tell you why they closed that library. There's nothin' scarier to a man than a brother with a book.
Yeah, that's deep. Where you hear that?
Rerun said it on What's Happening!!.
Thurgood, you're related to somebody very, very famous!
Oh my God. Oh my goodness, really, who is it? Who is it? Who is it?! Let-- no, let me guess. I wanna guess. Somebody famous, someone famous. Who could that be? Uhm... Famous Amos!
Lemme give you a hint: it's someone who lived in the 18th century.
Look, is it or is it not Famous Amos?
Okay, well, you didn't say that?!
[persuading Thurgood not to burn the stolen toilet paper] Don't fight it, Thurgood. It'll be much easier if you just join us.
The lady's smart, Thurgood. Now, you be smart, too. Just give us the white and nobody gets hurt but you.
Just look at you! Look at all of you! You're pathetic! You should be ashamed, because you was this close to takin' the life of a fellow man! Not for honor, not for freedom, not even for sneakers! You was gonna commit murder for THIS! [holds up roll of toilet paper]
He's got our toilet paper! Kill him!
[Thurgood enters his bedroom only for lights outside to suddenly turn on]
What is that? What's going on?
There's only one logical explanation: the mothership has landed, just like Bootsy predicted!
I'm sure it's not aliens; it's probably just the police. Goodie, come back to bed.
Look, I'll be back in a few minutes, but now, it is my celestial duty to spread my funk throughout the universe.
Thurgood, why do you insist on pushin' me into that place I really don't want to go? It's such a dark, cold place.
Me pushin' you?! You're the one that's been ridin' me all week!
That's because, unlike you, I pride myself on my job.
Ha! That's a laugh! You're the most corrupt probation officer in the city.
Corrupt? How can you say that?
Oh, come now, don't you play Mr. Clean around me. You have railroaded more people than Amtrak. Now, all of a sudden, when it comes to me, you want to find your conscience. Well, where was it, Walter? Stuffed in your trunk with a garbage bag wrapped around its head?
Okay, Thurgood. It's true. You know, when I was a cop, I saw that the justice system didn't always work. Sometimes it needed a little help from me. But when I voluntarily accepted forced retirement, I went over to the penal system, where things do work. So I ain't into clearing the losers off the streets no more. Now I make productive people, [poking Thurgood] one loser at a time.
Why, you big, fat, four-eyes, self-righteous bag of wind fat boy! I violated my parole. Yeah, I violated my parole, Walter! So what?! I violated! Big deal! I violated! What you gonna do, ground me?
[cut to Walter strapping a detector around Thurgood's leg]
