Muriel quotes from The PJs

Muriel

Dear Diary, the word for today is... brr! This must be the coldest day of the year. The temperature outside is harsh and unbearable as my--

Thurgood

Muriel, can I get some ice cubes, please? It's called Kool-Aid, not Warm-Aid.

Muriel

And how are your kids?

HUD Lady

You know, Lasagna had dectuplets. But you don't see her on Time magazine with her teeth all fixed.

Muriel

[gasps] Congratulations! What are their names?

HUD Lady

There's Rwanda, Dorito, Rolex, Neutrogena, Teflon, DKNY, Lexus, Dyslexus, Dentine, and Absorbine, Jr.

Muriel

Smokey, how's your 12-step recovery coming?

Smokey

Pretty good. Doctors say I'm down to 88% body crack.

Muriel

Thurgood, we're completely isolated. Our friends think we're bougie, and they won't even come by anymore.

Thurgood

Exactly. This is our dream home, Muriel!

Muriel

Thurgood, I can't stay here. I'm goin' back to where we come from.

Thurgood

Africa?

Muriel

Yes, Thurgood. Africa.

Mrs. Avery

Super, it's too hot! When ya gonna turn down the furnace?!

Thurgood

The furnace ain't on. It's the middle of summer, you crazy old bat.

Mrs. Avery

Well, when you gonna fix my calendar?

Thurgood

Now, what the hell you buy a calendar for anyway? You ain't gonna get to finish it. [slams door]

Muriel

Thurgood, that's no way to talk to Mrs. Avery.

Thurgood

You know somethin'? You right. [opens door and shouts in the hallway] YOU DRIED-UP OLD GARGOYLE! [slams door] Thanks, Muriel. I can always count on you to remind me to do the important thangs.

Muriel

Weren't you supposed to go to HUD to pick up those air conditioners?

Thurgood

Don't become your mother now.

Thurgood

Everybody knows my stock rocks, my chicken is kickin', and my shiz-rimp is the shiznit!

Muriel

And no one can touch yo' spicy sausage!

Thurgood

Yeah, especially with my crabs all over it.

Muriel

I think you're takin' this contest too seriously, Thurgood. Projects Week is supposed to be fun.

Thurgood

Muriel, I can't lose this contest. My gumbo is the only reason folks respect me. When the people of these projects thinks of gumbo, they think of me because Thurgood Stubbs means gumbo. Don't you see? I'm gumbo, damn it!

Muriel

Thurgood.

Thurgood

Gumbo's my passion, Muriel. Gumbo's my only love.

Muriel

Now Thurgood, I'm sure if you think about it, there's something else you love.

Thurgood

Muriel, I don't want a 40. I just threw up!

Muriel

[sighs] I'll get you a glass of water.

Thurgood

Muriel, you're so good to me. That's why I like you.

Thurgood

Eleven clogged toilets today. That's a janitor's dozen! The only thing that gets me through days like this is knowin' that I get to come home to you.

Muriel

Oh, Thurgood!

Thurgood

[drinking his 40] If only toilets went down as smooth as you.

Thurgood

[writing an angry letter to HUD] "Dearest HUD, how are you? I am fine. But you are not so fine. If you really want to help the little people-- and I don't mean the project elves that put clean socks and underwear in my drawer while I'm sleepin'--"

Muriel

Project elves? I put--

Thurgood

Muriel! Writing! [resumes writing] "It's time you see to it that the basic human needs like freedom, equality, and talkin' toilets are made available to everyone. Especially talkin' toilets. Signed, your humble servant, Thurgood O. Stubbs, Esquire."

Muriel

Bebe, remember that big blizzard back when we were kids? We were stuck at home for two weeks.

Bebe

Uh-huh. I was so pissed 'cause I couldn't see my boyfriend. Funny, it seemed so important then; today, heh, I can't even remember what subject he taught.

Muriel

Thurgood, what are you doing?

Thurgood

Clearin' some space. My new exercise tape is comin' in the mail today.

Muriel

Another exercise tape? You've already bought Abs of Steel, Buns of Steel, How to Steal.

Thurgood

I don't remember buying that one.

Muriel

Haven't you heard of the expression "Leave them wanting more?"

Thurgood

Well, I thought I did! Now, look, I show God my love for him, and what does he do? He punketh me in front of my flock!

Muriel

You best watch what you sayin', Thurgood. You been electrocuted once. You tryin' for a thunderbolt?

Thurgood

He wouldn't dare! Most people wouldn't know about Him if it wasn't for me.

Muriel

Thurgood Stubbs! You better check yourself before you wreck yourself! Pride goeth before a fall!

Muriel

Thurgood, I have had enough. Stop pretendin' you're doin' this for God because you're not. You're doin' it for yourself. It's all about you gettin' attention for your faith!

Thurgood

[gasps] That is so untrue, Muriel. I'm just tryin' to figure out what God wants me to do.

Muriel

Thurgood, did it ever occur to you that what God wants is for you to just SHUT UP?!

Thurgood

Now let's hear from those who have achieved their dreams. [someone coughs] What, am I the only one?

Muriel

Well, I used to sort of have a little dream. I thought it would be fun to be a hairdresser.

Bebe

Hairdresser, nothin'! You used to say you wanted to have a beauty parlor, just like the one our mama went to!

Muriel

Bebe, I think I can tell this.

Bebe

Oh, I'm sorry, girl. Go ahead on. Go ahead.

Muriel

Well, anyway, Mama--

Bebe

Not just Mama! We liked goin' there, too! 'Cause it was a place where all the women would gather and tell stories and gossip! Of course, now, Mama was the worst! She'd talk and talk and talk, and nobody could get a word in edgewise. Ha. Remember that?

Muriel

You sure it was Mama?

Bebe

She was all the way live. Come to think of it, havin' a beauty parlor was my dream, too.

Muriel

Hi, Goodie. Whatcha doin'?

Thurgood

Yeah, I'm fillin' out my evaluation of myself. Good news, Muriel. I'm strong leadership material.

Muriel

This is supposed to be filled out by your supervisor, Mr. Saunders.

Thurgood

Yes, and if he was sober, I'm sure he'd give me the same high marks, God bless his big, puffy gin-blossom nose.