Thurgood quotes from The PJs

Thurgood

We are gathered here today to bury one of our own. What can I say about the deceased? [someone in the audience coughs] Uh, hmm. [checks the coroner's report] He was, uh, five foot six, and uh, weighed 155 pounds and had no distinguishing marks or scars. [to himself] My God, his liver weighed a pound and a half. Well, that's serious.

Thurgood

Okay, everybody, put on your masks. These are dangerous chemicals we gonna use here.

Juicy

[wearing a princess mask] Like this?

Thurgood

[sighs] Let him be, Thurgood. It's just natural selection.

Hey Super, did you find out why the hot water is not working?

Thurgood

Yeah, the hot water ain't workin' 'cause your daddy ain't workin'! You tell yo' dad to get a job and pay the gas bill, then you got some hot water comin' to ya. Until then, y'all go on and chill. That's what you kids say, "chill", right? Well, now you know what it means to chill. Now go on and keep it real.

Thurgood

How'd that dog get in here, Calvin?

Calvin

Come in the front door, Super. It's broken again.

Thurgood

Again? I just fixed the door last week!

Mrs. Avery

Hmm. You call that fixed?!

Thurgood

[sees the broken door and gasps] Son of a Billy Dee!

Muriel

Dear Diary, the word for today is... brr! This must be the coldest day of the year. The temperature outside is harsh and unbearable as my--

Thurgood

Muriel, can I get some ice cubes, please? It's called Kool-Aid, not Warm-Aid.

Thurgood

What have you done?!

This is what you wanted, right?

Thurgood

You told me you'd get me a good movie! You said it'd be cherry pie!

It is! [camera pans up to the movie theater sign, which reads "Cherry Pie in Orgy & Bess"]

Muriel

Thurgood, we're completely isolated. Our friends think we're bougie, and they won't even come by anymore.

Thurgood

Exactly. This is our dream home, Muriel!

Muriel

Thurgood, I can't stay here. I'm goin' back to where we come from.

Thurgood

Africa?

Muriel

Yes, Thurgood. Africa.

Mr. Stubbs, I understand you'll be testifying tomorrow against the burglar you caught. Are you afraid?

Thurgood

Uh, fear is just one of the many words I don't know the meaning of. Next question. Come on, I'm happy to answer anything.

Where's your wife?

Thurgood

Interview over!

Thurgood

Look, Tarnell, we in trouble. A dangerous criminal has tied us up. Go call the police.

Tell Tarnell.

Thurgood

I just did! Now go get the police!

Supe's the hero! Superhero!

Thurgood

Would you shut up and go get the police, please?!

Hero sandwich! Hero-shima!

Mrs. Avery

Super, it's too hot! When ya gonna turn down the furnace?!

Thurgood

The furnace ain't on. It's the middle of summer, you crazy old bat.

Mrs. Avery

Well, when you gonna fix my calendar?

Thurgood

Now, what the hell you buy a calendar for anyway? You ain't gonna get to finish it. [slams door]

Muriel

Thurgood, that's no way to talk to Mrs. Avery.

Thurgood

You know somethin'? You right. [opens door and shouts in the hallway] YOU DRIED-UP OLD GARGOYLE! [slams door] Thanks, Muriel. I can always count on you to remind me to do the important thangs.

Muriel

Weren't you supposed to go to HUD to pick up those air conditioners?

Thurgood

Don't become your mother now.

Mr. Stubbs, you had a mild cardiac episode, which we believe was due to prolonged hypertension.

Thurgood

Give it to me in English, doc.

You have very high blood pressure.

Thurgood

Hey, look, we didn't all go to DeVry, all right?

Okay... Your blood is bad, especially when you get mad. And if you die, you'll be very, very sad. Okay?

Thurgood

Now, was that so hard? I hear what you're sayin'.

Calvin

[on Juicy burning himself with an entire bag of marshmallows] Juicy screams like a GIRL!

Juicy

You oughta know, since you're with Chelsea all the time.

Calvin

You take that back!

Calvin

Shut up!

K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Calvin

See what you did?!

Thurgood

Now, now, Calvin, bein' in love is nothin' to be ashamed of. Took me 23 years of marriage to learn that.

Calvin

I'm not in love with her.

Jimmy

Everybody falls in love sometime, little bro. Mr. Sanchez here has a crush on his voice therapist.

Sanchez

Shut up!

Sanchez and Voice Therapist, sittin' in a tree...

Sanchez

See what you did?

Walter

We took some boys on a make-believe camping trip, and uh, w-w-we may have killed 'em.

Thurgood

Walter, NO! Nuh-uh, that's not what happened, officer. [to Walter] What's wrong with you, Walter? [to the police officer] Look, we like to report some missin' kids. That's it. The missin' kids. Yeah, that sounds better.

When's the last time you saw them?

Walter

We last saw them runnin' down the street after Red Moley scared the urine out of 'um.

Who's Red Moley?

Thurgood

Oh, he's a serial killer. Oh, well, actually, he's me. [chuckles]

You're a serial killer?

Thurgood

No, no, no, no, Red Moley is a serial killer.

And you're Red Moley.

Thurgood

Yes. Uh... [points offscreen] What's that over there?!

Thurgood

Everybody knows my stock rocks, my chicken is kickin', and my shiz-rimp is the shiznit!

Muriel

And no one can touch yo' spicy sausage!

Thurgood

Yeah, especially with my crabs all over it.

Muriel

I think you're takin' this contest too seriously, Thurgood. Projects Week is supposed to be fun.

Thurgood

Muriel, I can't lose this contest. My gumbo is the only reason folks respect me. When the people of these projects thinks of gumbo, they think of me because Thurgood Stubbs means gumbo. Don't you see? I'm gumbo, damn it!

Muriel

Thurgood.

Thurgood

Gumbo's my passion, Muriel. Gumbo's my only love.

Muriel

Now Thurgood, I'm sure if you think about it, there's something else you love.

Thurgood

Muriel, I don't want a 40. I just threw up!

Muriel

[sighs] I'll get you a glass of water.

Thurgood

Muriel, you're so good to me. That's why I like you.