Calvin quotes from The PJs

Hi, Super. Hi, Jimmy.

Sanchez

Hi, boys.

Hi.

Thurgood

How'd that dog get in here, Calvin?

Calvin

Come in the front door, Super. It's broken again.

Thurgood

Again? I just fixed the door last week!

Mrs. Avery

Hmm. You call that fixed?!

Thurgood

[sees the broken door and gasps] Son of a Billy Dee!

Calvin

[on Juicy burning himself with an entire bag of marshmallows] Juicy screams like a GIRL!

Juicy

You oughta know, since you're with Chelsea all the time.

Calvin

You take that back!

Calvin

Shut up!

K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Calvin

See what you did?!

Thurgood

Now, now, Calvin, bein' in love is nothin' to be ashamed of. Took me 23 years of marriage to learn that.

Calvin

I'm not in love with her.

Jimmy

Everybody falls in love sometime, little bro. Mr. Sanchez here has a crush on his voice therapist.

Sanchez

Shut up!

Sanchez and Voice Therapist, sittin' in a tree...

Sanchez

See what you did?

Juicy

Hey, Super, what we gonna name her?

Calvin

I know! How about LeBaron?

Juicy

Or Tercel?

Thurgood

No, no, no. You don't go givin' cars people names. You gotta give it a name that says class. That says somethin' about... about you. [paints "Poorsche" on the traffic cone]

Mrs. Avery

First it's stolen go-karts, what's next? Some brute breakin' in and tryin' to have his way with me? I can see it now. Sure, I try to resist at first, but nothing can stop his filthy love. Next thing I know, I'm cookin' his breakfast! And I'm too young to settle down!

Calvin

With all due respect, Mrs. Avery, NO BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Juicy

Luke, join me. It is your destiny!

Calvin

Juicy Vader, I will never come over to the dark-skin-ded side.

Juicy

Luke, I am your father. [takes off glasses] Probably.

Calvin

NOOOOOOOOO!

Juicy

[finding the album to Richard Pryor: Bicentennial Nigger] Hey, can we listen to this old album?

Thurgood

Listen to it? We can't even say the name anymore.

Calvin

Well, why can't we?

Thurgood

African-American, please.

Thurgood

Good mornin', boys. Y'all enjoyin' yo' Martin Luther King Day?

Juicy

It's Martin Luther King Day?

Calvin

I thought it was Rodney King Day.

Thurgood

What the hell-- Rodney King Day?! Rodney King don't deserve no damn holiday! He's nothin' like Dr. King. Dr. King wanted freedom, but he was hassled by the police, roughed up and put in jail.

Juicy

You mean like Rodney King?

Thurgood

No, not like Rodney King! Don't you know that Dr. King was so revered, that people rioted because of him?

Calvin

Yeah, like Rodney King.

Thurgood

No, not like Rodney King! Dr. King marched in the face of oppression! He wouldn't let the white man keep him down!

Juicy

Was he on PCP, too?

Thurgood

Hey, stop yo' foolin'.

And I say, "I thought you were 'thank the monkey!'"

Sanchez

It's a mistake anyone could have made, Senator Van Owen.

Thurgood

Senator Van Owen? That's a pretty sissy name for a wrestler.

Jimmy

It's not a wrestling name. He actually is the senator of our state.

Calvin

Hey, tell us about when you were a navy seal. Did you ever kill anyone?

Well, Calvin, unfortunately, killing is a necessary part of war.

Thurgood

[scoffs] Big deal. I killed plenty of seals when I was in the navy, and that wasn't even my job!

Mr. Stubbs, I get the feeling you're upset with me about something.

Thurgood

Oh, like you don't know. Well, maybe this will refresh yo' memory. [pulls off the table cloth]

You were the drunk that ruined my wedding!

Thurgood

No, I was the Conquerin' Conquistador.

Thurgood

Calvin, you're No Daddy Kane, and Juicy?

Juicy

I want to be Notorious BLT.

Thurgood

No. You gonna be Dangerous EKG.

Calvin

We're thinkin' about M.C. Chunk and Super Smooth.

Juicy

'Cause our rhymes stick to you like peanut butter.

Thurgood

Fine. Choose your own name. [to himself] I oughta call you the Biatch Boys.

Calvin

Juicy, did you notice anything weird about that guy?

Juicy

No. He seemed like a perfectly normal guy in a suit.

Calvin

Exactly! I mean, who wears a suit in the projects?

Juicy

Jehovah witnesses?

Calvin

Our school is tryin' to start a library. Any books that you could donate would be greatly appreciated.

Muriel

I don't understand. Why don't you all use the public library?

Calvin

They closed it. We heard they're gonna tear it down.

Thurgood

What?! They closed the library?! Now, see, that just ain't right. Where the hell are all the homeless people supposed to take their naps? Somethin' oughta be done.

Jimmy

I'll tell you why they closed that library. There's nothin' scarier to a man than a brother with a book.

Thurgood

Yeah, that's deep. Where you hear that?

Jimmy

Rerun said it on What's Happening!!.

Thurgood

Calvin! Juicy! What the hell are you doin' in this old car?

Calvin

It's our tank.

Thurgood

Don't you know better than to go playin' in someone else's property?

Calvin

But Super, it's abandoned.

Thurgood

Well, just because you find somethin' abandoned, doesn't mean it's yours! Hell, if that was the case, I'd have eleven kids by now.

Muriel

Thurgood, you've been out all night!

Thurgood

Well, we had to wait for Juicy to sober up so he could drive us home.

Muriel

Thurgood!

Thurgood

I know, I know. We stayed out too late, but he'd never seen an R-rated movie, so we took him to the late show of American Booty.

Calvin

You mean to tell me he saw bare boobies while I'm washin' out Super's racin' stripes?!

Juicy

I've been staring at it for an hour, and I still don't see anything dirty.

Calvin

Look, man: right above the chin is the "B", the two eyes make the "OO", under the nose is the "T", and his teeth make the "Y". It says "booty"! That's how they make grown-ups think cigarettes are sexy.

Juicy

Cigarettes aren't sexy. Your mom's sexy.