The PJs · Season 3
Calvin! Juicy! What the hell are you doin' in this old car?
It's our tank.
Don't you know better than to go playin' in someone else's property?
But Super, it's abandoned.
Well, just because you find somethin' abandoned, doesn't mean it's yours! Hell, if that was the case, I'd have eleven kids by now.
Thurgood, you've been out all night!
Well, we had to wait for Juicy to sober up so he could drive us home.
Thurgood!
I know, I know. We stayed out too late, but he'd never seen an R-rated movie, so we took him to the late show of American Booty.
You mean to tell me he saw bare boobies while I'm washin' out Super's racin' stripes?!
[Thurgood is getting supplies for the New Year's party]
Party supplies? Hmm. Let me consult the manual. Let's see: supplies, comma, party. Ah! Here it is: NEXT!
Hey, hey, come on, it'll be a safe party. No one's gonna get hurt. We just fire our guns straight up in the air, the bullets disappear into space.
Fine! Then throw your own party! The only thing HUD's required to give you for New Year's 2000 is this. [gives him a survival kit]
Millennium safety kit? Ooh, it's endorsed by Gloria Gaynor.
See you NEXT year.
[Calvin and Juicy stare at the Koolio Krokodile billboard.]
I've been staring at it for an hour, and I still don't see anything dirty.
Look, man: right above the chin is the "B", the two eyes make the "OO", under the nose is the "T", and his teeth make the "Y". It says "booty"! That's how they make grown-ups think cigarettes are sexy.
Cigarettes aren't sexy. Your mom's sexy.
Remember back when you were young, good-lookin', and got all the hottest ladies?
Well, I remember being young, but I'm a little hazy about the ladies.
Come on, now, think back. You remember.
Oh, yeah, y-y-yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's right! I remember now! I hit all the parties, I drove a fast car, and for a while, I solved crimes in Miami with a white guy.
That's the Thurgood I'm talkin' 'bout. And you can have it all again by havin' just one minty fresh Koolio cigarette.
Really?
Damn straight. Sanchez left a pack by my left claw. Now go ahead and puff, daddy.
Are you bakin' my favorite cake?
Well, Thurgood, it is my birthday.
Boy, you only know one tune. "My birthday. My side of the bed. My underwear!"
Now, when a man plunges his toilet, he has the right to expect that he's the only man plungin' that toilet. And what, I ask, could be lower, than plungin' another man's toilet? One of you has the hots for Muriel and is sendin' her flowers.
So let me get this straight: you're comparin' yo' wife to a toilet?
Sanchez. It was you, wasn't it?
Actually, I've never been attracted to women-- [his electrolarynx runs out of batteries; shakes it]
Well, I suppose that comes as news to no one.
Y-y-you didn't let me finish! Women who are married to my friends!
I'm afraid to go any further! There could be gangsters!
And hoodlums!
And thugs.
So what?
Gangsters and hoodlums and thugs, so what? Gangsters and hoodlums and thugs, so what?
Now, there comes a point in every little boy's life when he thinks it might be fun to wear a dress, dance around, and ask people to call him "Shirley" instead of "Thurgood". [realizes what he said] And there's nothin' wrong with that.
Yes, there is! Sounds like a punk to me.
Don't talk to Shirley like that.
[Attempting to get Sharique to adapt to the projects]
Now think about what you're trying to represent. A life of bleak prospects and hopelessness.
Da mack on crack is sho'nuff wack.
What was that?
Da mack on crack is sho'nuff wack.
I think she's got it.
By Chicken George, I think she's got it!
Da mack on crack is sho'nuff wack, yo!
I believe she's rollin'!
I do believe she's rollin'.
Now, once again, what is that mack?
On crack! On crack!
And the effect of that punk-ass crack?
It's wack! It's wack!
Da mack on crack is sho'nuff wack! Yo!
[about to fall in an elevator shaft] That shaft looks like a bad mother--
Shut yo' mouth!
We've called you fine people here to offer you the adventure of a lifetime!
Ooh! We gonna go clubbin' with Puffy?
Not quite. You're gonna live outdoors without the luxuries of your homes for 40 days!
40 days? That's almost... [counts the numbers] 50 days!
[setting up the poster for the 8th Annual HUD Ball] HUD's balls really swing, though last year's ball got pretty hairy. What with the heat wave, that was one sweaty ball. [chuckles] I'm funny when I'm alone. [looks at the poster] "Can you beat our reigning king and queen of the dance contest?" [looks at the image of Jimmy and Bebe] Hmm. Look at 'em. King Loser the XIV and Queen Laqueefa.
[clears throat] Big talk comin' from a guy who won't even enter. You're the king of excuses.
Thurgood'll say anythang to get outta that contest. What was it last year, baby? He ate a hamburger and got Sheila E. coli.
[Thurgood does his workout-- as in, changing channels with his remote]
Thumb sprain! And stuck on BTV. I pray it's not the Amen marathon.
It's kung-fu action like you've never seen before. See two sexy foxes and their all-girl kung-fu fighting army. It's non-stop bone-crushing destruction. Black Mama, White Mama.
Oh yeah! Please say "Comin' up next."
Coming up next...
Yahtzee!
...Mugged on BTV Extra Smooth.
BTV Extra Smooth? Do I get that channel?
BTV Extra Smooth is available only through Deep Dish TV satellite systems.
Where do I get one of those?
Deep Dish TV on sale now at the Hood Guys for only $249.95.
[turns off the TV] I gotta raise some money. I'd have a garage sale, but I don't have a garage. I'd have a yard sale, but I don't have a yard. [scratches himself furiously] But I got everything a need for a flea market.
Are you actually tryin' to sell your mail?
Where some men see a stack of phone bills, I see a classy set of coasters.
You know, it says here you've been pre-approved for the African-American Express credit card.
Credit card? Me? Ain't no one in the projects with plastic. Except for Muriel and her vibrating therapeutic back massager.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The PJs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
