[on Juicy burning himself with an entire bag of marshmallows] Juicy screams like a GIRL!
You oughta know, since you're with Chelsea all the time.
Juicy [chanting]: Calvin and Chelsea, sittin' in a tree...
SJSanchez/Jimmy/Thurgood/Walter/Juicy
K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Now, now, Calvin, bein' in love is nothin' to be ashamed of. Took me 23 years of marriage to learn that.
I'm not in love with her.
Everybody falls in love sometime, little bro. Mr. Sanchez here has a crush on his voice therapist.
JTJimmy, Thurgood and Walter
Sanchez and Voice Therapist, sittin' in a tree...
[Walter and Thurgood are at the police station to find the missing boys]
WalterWe took some boys on a make-believe camping trip, and uh, w-w-we may have killed 'em.
Walter, NO! Nuh-uh, that's not what happened, officer. [to Walter] What's wrong with you, Walter? [to the police officer] Look, we like to report some missin' kids. That's it. The missin' kids. Yeah, that sounds better.
PPolice Officer
When's the last time you saw them?
Walter
We last saw them runnin' down the street after Red Moley scared the urine out of 'um.
PPolice Officer
Who's Red Moley?
Oh, he's a serial killer. Oh, well, actually, he's me. [chuckles]
PPolice Officer
You're a serial killer?
No, no, no, no, Red Moley is a serial killer.
PPolice Officer
And you're Red Moley.
Yes. Uh... [points offscreen] What's that over there?!
NNula
[witnessing Thurgood repossessing her fish tank] But Santa, why are you stealing our fish tank? Why?
Walter
[narrating] Now, that old dirty bastard was as smart as they get. He thought up a lie, and quickly, you bet.
Phantom Menace is the best Star Wars yet! [runs off]
Walter
Oh, excuse me, Miss Haiti.
Oh, Walter, please, call me Garcelle.
Walter
Garcelle? Is that Haitian for "lovely"? [Haiti Lady giggles]
Walter, you're drunk. Go home.
Walter
How do you account for the disproportionate amount of Haitians in one apartment.
It's not their fault that they're poor. They were oppressed by fascists like you!
Walter
Tell me, Garcelle, when your raft came through customs, uh, did you have to declare that bug up yo' ass?
[on Jimmy's application as Thurgood's new supervisor] It was the most organized and professional application we ever received. It made the choice easy.
You hear that, Jimmy? You got it! You're my new boss! Congratulations! Raise the roof! Raise the roof!
Not him. We hired the person who filled out the application.
Hi, Thurgood! Guess what? I'm your new boss!
JTJimmy/Thurgood/Sanchez/Walter
What?!
Thurgood [after seeing a squad assembled of their neighbors] This is the A Team?
Walter
Er... The A-Team had a previous engagement.
Walter
Let's just say they're in the first half of the alphabet and leave it at that.
[persuading Thurgood not to burn the stolen toilet paper] Don't fight it, Thurgood. It'll be much easier if you just join us.
Walter
The lady's smart, Thurgood. Now, you be smart, too. Just give us the white and nobody gets hurt but you.
Just look at you! Look at all of you! You're pathetic! You should be ashamed, because you was this close to takin' the life of a fellow man! Not for honor, not for freedom, not even for sneakers! You was gonna commit murder for THIS! [holds up roll of toilet paper]
He's got our toilet paper! Kill him!
Walter
Thurgood, why do you insist on pushin' me into that place I really don't want to go? It's such a dark, cold place.
Me pushin' you?! You're the one that's been ridin' me all week!
Walter
That's because, unlike you, I pride myself on my job.
Ha! That's a laugh! You're the most corrupt probation officer in the city.
Walter
Corrupt? How can you say that?
Oh, come now, don't you play Mr. Clean around me. You have railroaded more people than Amtrak. Now, all of a sudden, when it comes to me, you want to find your conscience. Well, where was it, Walter? Stuffed in your trunk with a garbage bag wrapped around its head?
Walter
Okay, Thurgood. It's true. You know, when I was a cop, I saw that the justice system didn't always work. Sometimes it needed a little help from me. But when I voluntarily accepted forced retirement, I went over to the penal system, where things do work. So I ain't into clearing the losers off the streets no more. Now I make productive people, [poking Thurgood] one loser at a time.
Why, you big, fat, four-eyes, self-righteous bag of wind fat boy! I violated my parole. Yeah, I violated my parole, Walter! So what?! I violated! Big deal! I violated! What you gonna do, ground me?
[cut to Walter strapping a detector around Thurgood's leg]
Walter
Welcome to house arrest!
Now, when a man plunges his toilet, he has the right to expect that he's the only man plungin' that toilet. And what, I ask, could be lower, than plungin' another man's toilet? One of you has the hots for Muriel and is sendin' her flowers.
Walter
So let me get this straight: you're comparin' yo' wife to a toilet?
Sanchez. It was you, wasn't it?
Actually, I've never been attracted to women-- [his electrolarynx runs out of batteries; shakes it]
Well, I suppose that comes as news to no one.
Y-y-you didn't let me finish! Women who are married to my friends!
Walter
Are you actually tryin' to sell your mail?
Where some men see a stack of phone bills, I see a classy set of coasters.
Walter
You know, it says here you've been pre-approved for the African-American Express credit card.
Credit card? Me? Ain't no one in the projects with plastic. Except for Muriel and her vibrating therapeutic back massager.
The PJs · 73 quotes
