PHPapa Hudson
[seeing Juicy arriving home hours later after he paged him] Didn't you get my page?
Oh, you paged me? Um, I guess the batteries are dead.
PHPapa Hudson
Really? Well, I just put new ones in. Let me see it.
Oh, okay. I remember what happened. See, I was walkin', right? And I think my pager slipped, and it fell in the street, right? And then this car came, and-and it ran it over. Over and over, and it broke it into a thousand pieces! But I'm okay.
PHPapa Hudson
So the pager's destroyed, huh? Well, then I guess crack must be pixie dust because Smokey pulled THIS [holds up Juicy's pager] out of his magic dumpster!
I left the crème brulée in the oven, it needs another 20 minutes. If you need anything tonight, just call my service. I check in every hour.
Our school is tryin' to start a library. Any books that you could donate would be greatly appreciated.
I don't understand. Why don't you all use the public library?
They closed it. We heard they're gonna tear it down.
What?! They closed the library?! Now, see, that just ain't right. Where the hell are all the homeless people supposed to take their naps? Somethin' oughta be done.
I'll tell you why they closed that library. There's nothin' scarier to a man than a brother with a book.
Yeah, that's deep. Where you hear that?
Rerun said it on What's Happening!!.
Thurgood, you're related to somebody very, very famous!
Oh my God. Oh my goodness, really, who is it? Who is it? Who is it?! Let-- no, let me guess. I wanna guess. Somebody famous, someone famous. Who could that be? Uhm... Famous Amos!
Lemme give you a hint: it's someone who lived in the 18th century.
Look, is it or is it not Famous Amos?
Okay, well, you didn't say that?!
[persuading Thurgood not to burn the stolen toilet paper] Don't fight it, Thurgood. It'll be much easier if you just join us.
The lady's smart, Thurgood. Now, you be smart, too. Just give us the white and nobody gets hurt but you.
Just look at you! Look at all of you! You're pathetic! You should be ashamed, because you was this close to takin' the life of a fellow man! Not for honor, not for freedom, not even for sneakers! You was gonna commit murder for THIS! [holds up roll of toilet paper]
He's got our toilet paper! Kill him!
[Thurgood enters his bedroom only for lights outside to suddenly turn on]
What is that? What's going on?
There's only one logical explanation: the mothership has landed, just like Bootsy predicted!
I'm sure it's not aliens; it's probably just the police. Goodie, come back to bed.
Look, I'll be back in a few minutes, but now, it is my celestial duty to spread my funk throughout the universe.
Thurgood, why do you insist on pushin' me into that place I really don't want to go? It's such a dark, cold place.
Me pushin' you?! You're the one that's been ridin' me all week!
That's because, unlike you, I pride myself on my job.
Ha! That's a laugh! You're the most corrupt probation officer in the city.
Corrupt? How can you say that?
Oh, come now, don't you play Mr. Clean around me. You have railroaded more people than Amtrak. Now, all of a sudden, when it comes to me, you want to find your conscience. Well, where was it, Walter? Stuffed in your trunk with a garbage bag wrapped around its head?
Okay, Thurgood. It's true. You know, when I was a cop, I saw that the justice system didn't always work. Sometimes it needed a little help from me. But when I voluntarily accepted forced retirement, I went over to the penal system, where things do work. So I ain't into clearing the losers off the streets no more. Now I make productive people, [poking Thurgood] one loser at a time.
Why, you big, fat, four-eyes, self-righteous bag of wind fat boy! I violated my parole. Yeah, I violated my parole, Walter! So what?! I violated! Big deal! I violated! What you gonna do, ground me?
[cut to Walter strapping a detector around Thurgood's leg]
Calvin! Juicy! What the hell are you doin' in this old car?
Don't you know better than to go playin' in someone else's property?
But Super, it's abandoned.
Well, just because you find somethin' abandoned, doesn't mean it's yours! Hell, if that was the case, I'd have eleven kids by now.
Thurgood, you've been out all night!
Well, we had to wait for Juicy to sober up so he could drive us home.
I know, I know. We stayed out too late, but he'd never seen an R-rated movie, so we took him to the late show of American Booty.
You mean to tell me he saw bare boobies while I'm washin' out Super's racin' stripes?!
[Thurgood is getting supplies for the New Year's party]
Party supplies? Hmm. Let me consult the manual. Let's see: supplies, comma, party. Ah! Here it is: NEXT!
Hey, hey, come on, it'll be a safe party. No one's gonna get hurt. We just fire our guns straight up in the air, the bullets disappear into space.
Fine! Then throw your own party! The only thing HUD's required to give you for New Year's 2000 is this. [gives him a survival kit]
Millennium safety kit? Ooh, it's endorsed by Gloria Gaynor.
[Calvin and Juicy stare at the Koolio Krokodile billboard.]
I've been staring at it for an hour, and I still don't see anything dirty.
Look, man: right above the chin is the "B", the two eyes make the "OO", under the nose is the "T", and his teeth make the "Y". It says "booty"! That's how they make grown-ups think cigarettes are sexy.
Cigarettes aren't sexy. Your mom's sexy.
KKKoolio Krokodile Billboard
Remember back when you were young, good-lookin', and got all the hottest ladies?
Well, I remember being young, but I'm a little hazy about the ladies.
KKoolio
Come on, now, think back. You remember.
Oh, yeah, y-y-yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's right! I remember now! I hit all the parties, I drove a fast car, and for a while, I solved crimes in Miami with a white guy.
KKoolio
That's the Thurgood I'm talkin' 'bout. And you can have it all again by havin' just one minty fresh Koolio cigarette.
KKoolio
Damn straight. Sanchez left a pack by my left claw. Now go ahead and puff, daddy.
