Dwight Schrute quotes from The Office (US)

Dwight

Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and, I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?

Dwight

When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. [pause] Urine. It was urine.

Dwight

This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So fast...so tender.

Dwight

Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing: a three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.

Dwight

"R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not mukduk.

Dwight

Jim is my enemy, but it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So actually, Jim is my enemy. But--

Dwight

Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?

Dwight

They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!

Dwight

I always knew I would be destroyed by my own creation, but honestly I thought it would be that bull that Mose and I are trying to reanimate.

Dwight

All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.

Dwight

All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.

Dwight

Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity, I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.

Dwight

In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all: it's fear. Merry Christmas.

Dwight

You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.

Dwight

I traded a thumb tack for Meredith's junk, for Kelly's crap, for Phyllis's garbage, for Oscar's trash, for Stanley's crap, for Ryan's junk, for Creed's garbage, for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.

Dwight

I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn't the telescope at all. No. It was this packet of beans. So I traded telescope or it, and I can just go buy another telescope.