Kermit the Frog quotes from The Muppets

Fozzie Bear

  You ever been shot with a tranquilizer dart, Kermit?

  Well, no, but I did lick my third cousin once and the walls started melting, so I feel ya, bro.

Janice

  Oh, um, hey, Kermit?

  Yeah?

Janice

  Uh, there's a lecture on astral projection next Friday…

  Oh, oh!  So you want the day off?

Janice

  No, I'll be here.  I just wanted you to know I'll be there, too.

  Piggy, be rational.

  Oh, Kermit, that doesn't sound like me at all.

Welcome to the Morning Meeting, everybody... or should I say the "Whenever You Decide to Show Up" Meeting?

Floyd Pepper

Uh, is that the official name now? That works a LOT better for us...

  Okay, okay, look.  You guys all had your fun but now it's time to work.

  [mocks Kermit in a Swedish accent]

  Who said that?  Which one of you said that?

  This thing with Reese is everywhere; it's a P. R. nightmare!

  [irritated]  Not now.

  It's the only video North Korea's allowing it's people to see—other than the one of the Supreme Leader swimming.

  [sobbing]  I'm so embarrassed!  How could something like getting-revenge-on-a-person take such a dark turn?

  Okay, look, don't-don't worry, I'll, uh, I-I'll put out a press release to explain your behavior.  Are-are you more comfortable with sun poisoning or demonic possession?

  [stops sobbing]  No, wait, there is only one way out of this.

  Delusional dehydration?  That sounds like a thing.

  [on Up Late with Miss Piggy to Reese Witherspoon]  And I have a couple of words to say to you.

  [offstage, to himself]  Oh, please let those two words be "I'm sorry."

  [with his wing above a red buzzer]  I'm ready to bleep if they're not.

Scooter

You're gonna start with orange?

What's wrong with orange?

Scooter

  Nothing, uh, orange is great if you're painting a, um…a, um…a, um…an orange.

Scooter

So you went to the zoo on your first date?

Uh, no, it's a coffee shop.

Scooter

Oh. Uh, why is there a hippo?

That's a table.

Scooter

Oh, it was a safari-themed coffee shop! Got it. I guess that explains the giraffe.

[looks at plate That's Denise!

Scooter

Why is her neck so long?

Scooter, necks are HARD! I... [sighs] Whoopsie Bin?

Scooter

[takes plate] Yep.

  Okay, okay, listen.  Somebody help the chef get this butter on ice and could we plea—  For Pete's sake, Animal, could you play any louder?!

  Louder?  Okay!

  [stumbling on his words]  No, not, just—

  So, Kermit, we got a great sketch for Patrick Dempsey.

  Oh, no, Dempsey's out.  We're going with a big block of butter.

  Okay, we'll just tweak it.  Piggy's having a dream where she's making out with a big block of butter.

  Hmm?

  Huh, it's actually funnier.

  Yeah.

Pepe the King Prawn

  And more realistic.

Bobo the Bear

  I was a mechanic back in the service—

  Mm-hmm.

Bobo the Bear

  —and if you think about it, elevators and helicopters are basically the same thing.

  I just want everybody to know that I am fine.

  Are you sure?  You look a little green.

  I'm always green, Zoot.

  Oh!  You look great, then.

Scooter

I have so many people to thank, um, starting with Great-Grammy Zuzka and her eleven sisters... Katrinka, Madlenka...

All right, Scooter, that's enough. I got to go. [leaves]

Scooter

And Patoonki! She made good soup...