Statler quotes from The Muppet Show

I liked that last number.

What did you like about it?

It was the LAST number!

Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?

Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

Sylvester Stallone

Wow. I have a bird. Everyone, this is Birdie. Birdie, this is everyone. Isn't she cute? Look at the feathers she has. Isn't she the cutest bird on stage [they touched their noses and smile together]

[laughing hysterically] You're my best friend!

Animal reunion.

Sylvester Stallone

Gonzo, this is Birdie.

Wow, a real bird. So nice to have you here.

Sylvester Stallone

Thank you so much, Gonzo. You are a great friend of mine.

Right back at ya, Sylvester.

Well, they say all good things come to an end.

What's that got to do with this show?

I bet you were expecting chickens.

Woof Woof Woof!

Woof Woof!

Woof Woof!

Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? It's just a question of mind over matter.

That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!

You'll live to regret this!

We intend to.

But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!

What a te-riffic idea! I'll hit the times myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. Fifty print to my eyes! Make one mind the complete plate, when eye-lids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power, when I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! Release the ropes!

That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?

It's simple. I just snap my fingers! Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.

What?

It ends. [Both laugh]

[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony] How long are we here for?

Twenty years.

If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. [Both laugh]

(singing) Why don't they make things funny?

Ever gone to a witch doctor?

They're all witch. Ever heard of a poor doctor? (Both laughed)

Yes, the frog is certainly taking a beating on this show.

It's hard to feel sorry for him. We take a beating every show.

Do you think there's life in outer space?

There's certainly none in this theater. [both laugh]

Well, this has been an evening to remember.

Why?

I forgot. [Both laugh]

How come chickens are getting so big on this show?

Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

I'm going to see my lawyer!

Why?

I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!