Kermit the Frog quotes from The Muppet Show

Kermit

Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.

Miss Piggy

Hurt? I'll show you hurt, Kermie!

Fozzie

My cousin is so dumb, he thinks eggs benedict is a Mafia gangster!

Kermit

I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!

Fozzie

Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.

Kermit

The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?

Fozzie

Well, we worked out a great deal.

Kermit

You pay him by the line?

Fozzie

No, I pay him by the laugh.

Kermit

Oh, then he owes you money.

Kermit

...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-

Did somebody say bang?

Kermit

Uh, no. [gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]

Miss Piggy

Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?

Kermit

Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.

Kermit

Oh, good!

If...

Kermit

Uh-huh? If what?

If I can write the new theme song.

Kermit

Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.

No, it won't, man.

Kermit

Uh, why not?

You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!

Kermit

Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.

Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.

Kermit

You don't?

If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

Kermit

Piggy, while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.

Oh, then can I have her?

Miss Piggy

HAI-YA! [standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand] That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

I think you know why I am here.

Kermit the Frog

Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

Kermit

A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.

How about a talking frog?

Kermit the Frog

Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- [sneezes] ACHOOO!

Fozzie Bear

Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

Kermit

Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.

Fozzie

Yeah.

Kermit

Hey, Scooter, what's next?

Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.

Kermit

What the hey?

Kermit the Frog

[depressing] Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.

Maybe we came at last.

Maybe the show has been cancelled.

Kermit the Frog

Tonight's show has been cancelled.

Have I died and gone to Heaven?

Kermit the Frog

Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.

[to Kermit, off-screen] Should we stay or Should we go?

Kermit the Frog

[to Statler and Waldorf] Why don't you two take the night off? [to the entire audience] Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.

Kermit

I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.

What a headline! Muppets' Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!

Kermit

Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?

What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppets Desperate For Publicity!

Kermit

I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.

Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

Fozzie

Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no... the next act just cancelled.

Kermit

What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry.

Fozzie

Yeah. I know, yeah... Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...the duck hunting season began.