What if you didn't pick up Mike Bell?
JennyWhy wouldn't I pick him up?
Jenny
Are you trying to collude with me?
Shh. Don't put words in my mouth. There's no colluding. I'll say this. If this was to occur, I would give you some really good sex.
Jenny
Really?
I would do that. I would try my best.
Jenny
Do you not try your best now?
I will give you 100% for four minutes, and then, like, 60% for the five minutes after that. And then after that, you're on your own.
Jenny
You naughty little commissioner.
Jenny
You know what you can do are all of Ellie's thank-you notes.
Why doesn't Ellie do her own thank-you notes?
Jenny
Because Ellie doesn't need Mike Bell.
[on webcam with Jenny, the others watching on their respective computers] Season's greetings, everyone.
Jenny
From Kevin and Jenny.
We wanted to take a minute to wish you and your families a happy and healthy holiday season.
Jenny
We have so much to be thankful for.
We have a healthy, wonderful daughter.
Jenny
Amazing friends.
Jenny
And did we forget to mention that we are both in the playoffs this season?
It seemed to have slipped my mind. Yes, we are so blessed to have not one, but two teams in the playoffs. Most families don't have any.
Jenny
Andre.
Never should've made that trade with Taco.
Jenny
And this week's matchup should be a cakewalk.
Yes, you are going to obliterate Peter.
Jenny
And you are going to kill Rodney.
Jenny
So from the first family of fantasy football...
...to your family at home...
KJKevin and Jenny
Suck it!
Jenny
Now I think it's time for you to take a tubbie.
What did you say, young lady?
Jenny
[turning to toy elf] Well, I'm sorry, what's that, Mr. Elf on the Shelf? You're calling Santa right now?
Uh-oh, Santa's being phoned.
[walking away] All right. Stop busting my balls.
Where did she learn to talk like that? I knew we were going to have a dick kid, I knew it.
[praying outside by Taco's egg-filled Nativity scene] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh eggs and Jesus and Santa and Travolta's guy and, of course, Shiva, please let him miss this kick and let me win this game.
And please make him stop stinking so much.
Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.
[Inside the house]
Okay, this is the greatest day of my life.
I hope the day Ellie was born was a close second.
Oh, my God, we are one gimme field goal away from an all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl.
Jenny
Do not jinx him.
Jenny, there's no jinxing. You got a top-five kicker for a 37-yarder with no wind in the middle...
Silence! Here we go. Clean snap...snap is good...go to the top...looks good...
Okay, I know you're upset right, but next week you're going to be so relaxed. Trust...[Jenny puts her hand to his mouth]
[hearing from outside] I won! It's an Eggsmas miracle!
[as Ruxin delightedly kisses him and the others come out of the house] Oh, this miracle smells like poo.
You shut your MOUTH! Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Bullshit! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! "Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don't know how to set a lineup." Fuck you! Fuck you, Taco! Fuck you, Ruxin! [kicking over stands] Stupid Wise Men! Stupid eggs! Stupid fucking eggs!
[still trashing egg Nativity scene] Stupid, stupid, stupid...
Daddy, stop! Kegel's watching you. He's gonna report to Santa.
Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there is no Santa Claus and there's no Christmas, there's no God, there's no Easter Bunny! There's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, [breaking down] nothing!
I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.
It's time for our offerings to the ShiDre, and I think we should start with the Shiva Bowl contestants, and I think ladies before dickheads.
Jenny
What are you gonna do?
Ladies before dickheads, go ahead.
Jenny
[offering a donut-shaped pillow] ShiDre, your hemorrhoid donut that you earned in Vegas when you made that hard drive up Andre's backfield. May you sit comfortably for all the rest of your years.
Next, as a ode to your terrible fashion sense, Dre and Andre, [offers a red porkpie hat] I offer you the hat that you gave me for Christmas.
Okay, you know what. Forgive me, but I think that hat's pretty pimpin'.
Well, Jenny, may the best man win this week.
Jenny
Oh, Ruxin, you know you're only here because I drafted your team for you.
I don't remember it that way.
Jenny
Really?
Really. All I know is that I got a killer lineup and I'm gonna get an amazing performance out of either Donald Brown or Steve Breaston.
Jenny
Are you trying to get me to help you with your lineup right now? You are unbelievably horrible, Ruxin. I cannot wait to obliterate you. And you are going to lose, you are going to go home, and you are going to savage your pud.
Jenny
Thank you.
You know, I am so glad Sofia's not in this league because you are just a brute of a wife.
Jenny
I am a great wife.
Oh yeah, because every wife completely emasculates her husband. For shame, Jenny.
Babe, are you ready to go?
Jenny
Get back in the car, Kevin.
Jenny
[pulling back the shower curtain revealing Kevin masturbating to a smartphone in a plastic bag] I have drAIDS.
Jenny
Oh, ugh! Kevin, you have betrayed my trust.
Babe, it's just a little bit of porn. No one ever...
Jenny
I don't care that you are yanking it in a shower. Savage yourself all you want; do not touch my lineup.
Babe, I was doing what I felt was right for the entire team, for the whole MacArthur team. I mean, this is the Shiva Bowl, babe.
Jenny
Are those our sandwich bags?
Jenny
[replacing the curtain] My whole life is cursed.
[holding the Shiva] Free at last, free at last. Shiva, I am free at last!
Uh, did you just compare yourself to Martin Luther King?
Wow, you're feeling really good, aren't you?
I feel great 'cause I'm a champion and I'm here with my beautiful lady, my Shiva. But Shiva's a little naked today. That's why I got her this.
[He holds up a revised plate]
Jenny
It's already got your name on it.
That's right it does. "Ruxin! Suck it!" Let the unrelenting reign of Ruxin begin. [Slaps the plate on the Shiva and hoists it high] SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKADARKRAM! I won the Shiva! The Dre is dead!
[Everyone looks in the sky]
Jenny
Oh, my God.
Jenny
Guys, was there supposed to be a solar eclipse today?
Ruxin has won. It is the end of days!
This is exactly how I picture it when I'm masturbating, down to the fact you're all watching! The only difference is Andre's wearing a stupid hat! [Andre pulls out his hat] That's the one. Put it on so I can finish!
[wearing the hat] It's not stupid. Will Smith has the same one.
Taco, this sukkah is supposed to be for Sukkot.
Yes, and after Sukkot comes Taccot.
Taccot is an ideal plane of existence where the 12 tribes of Israel come together with people who are high on mushrooms and groove to Aphex Twin.
Yeah, I'll give you all-access passes at a discount rate.
Guys, can we take a seat, please? Sit. [The league sits down] All right, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think our league is lacking something.
No, guys, trust. Every league gets to this point where we've cheated each other so many times over the years, we don't trust each other enough to make a simple trade. We've crossed the distrust horizon into the land of no trades.
Gee, I wonder who's responsible for that.
Jenny
You are the Patient Zero of distrust, Pete.
OK, I admit it. But it's time for us to clear the air and get a little honesty going, okay?
OK. What happened in my apartment during the draft?
Did you guys cheat picking the draft order?
Okay, good. Now that we're all being honest, I would like to show you something. [Removes a drape and reveals a dry-erase board with everyone's rosters, to which they are all amazed] As you can all see, all of our teams suck. Some of the lineups aren't even legal. So in honor of Sukkot, I would like to propose to you what I call the eight-way trade.
Wait—an eight-way? But Andre's sister's not even here.
Andre's sister? Shotgun last.
I think I've come up with a plan that everyone will be happy with if we just...do this. [Proceeds to make several trades throughout] Okay, Andre, you're in need of a good defense. You have four tight ends. I have four defenses and no tight ends.
Kevin, three quarterbacks.
That could help out Taco, and the thing is, you got to start getting rid of some of these kickers.
I like kickers. They're the toughest.
Jenny, you might need more at wide receiver than just Michael Crabtree. Ruxin, you could let go of one or two of your wide receivers.
I'm not letting go of anyone good--no!
Package two wide receivers with the Baltimore defense and trade it for...MJD.
I like Maurice Jones-Drew.
I haven't forgotten about you, Kevin.
Jenny
It's good.
It's like a useless Good Will Hunting.
You just got a great kicker.
One more move, and it's done. Do we have a deal. [Everyone agrees] Sukkot pact 2011, all in?
[as Ruxin, on webcam and dressed in judge's robe, bangs a gavel] What is this, Night Court?
Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Ruxin presiding.
It's the Chosen People's Court.
Now, citizens of the League, there is no greater threat to league integrity than an uncommitted owner. Taco's lack of interest is a black mark upon our league. He's still starting Kenny Britt, who's been injured for weeks. And while I have no respect for individual members of this league...
...I have a tremendous amount of respect for the League itself.
This is bordering on sincerity.
And as your league champion, I, Rodney Ruxin, submit that if Taco does not start a lineup with active NFL players—not NHL, CFL, WWE, or Panthro from the ThunderCats—that he shall be kicked out of this league.
Jenny
What?
[bangs gavel] I have spoken!
Taco is vital to our league.
Jenny
He's our heart.
Yeah, and he's good for easy wins. All right, we got to put a stop to this.
Jenny
Shadow government, all in.
[wrapped in flag and holding the Shiva] Shiva bless America...
PKPete, Kevin, Jenny
[hands in and break] One, two, three...we were never here!
I know you guys are planning something, so don't. Because I am watching you.
[Jenny quickly closes the laptop]
What are you guys doing in my bedroom?
Jenny
[covering as Kevin zips back up] Oh, hi, sweetie. Honestly, I was looking for zipper fairies...
Jenny
...in Daddy's zipper.
Uh, fairies that hide in your zipper and get it stuck, and Mommy was just trying to get them all out.
Jenny
Yeah.
Did you get all the zipper fairies out?
No. No, she did not, sadly.
Jenny
It's not ice cream, it's sorbet. You just gently take a little lick to cleanse your palate. Just gently. No, you're using your teeth. Biting is not good for the sorbet.
Who cares about the sorbet?
Jenny
I care about the sorbet.
HNHeather Nowzick
Kevin, just let the sorbet know you're there with the heat of your breath. Awaken it just ever so slightly before you touch it. By accident, almost. By accident with your lips.
Don't be shy to get a little finger in there too.
Oh, so eating sorbet is like...going to church.
Jenny
That would be amazing.
I don't really like sorbet, but I love watching women eat it.
HHeather
That happens. You know, it's like your tongue is dead weight. It fell asleep, and you [demonstrating] have to drag it with the motion of your head.
RRupert
I love the way Heather eats that sorbet. I myself enjoy the sorbet, but I like what you're saying about letting your tongue do that. You're doing something with your...with the movement of your head, but I find that you can eat the sorbet while keeping an active tongue. Like this. [Shows Heather, who does the same] Yeah, get active. Doesn't have to be completely dead. But it really is whatever you feel like. [Heather sticks her thumb in her mouth and pulls it out slowly] Ah...I like what you're doing there. You do as you feel. Dip it in. [Heather does so] And...deep, and you can make it deep.
I'm never gonna be able to eat sorbet like that.
I feel like I'm watching my own birth.
RRupert
[as Heather spanks the sorbet] Yeah, you show me how you like me to eat sorbet.
Can we get a palate cleanser for our palate cleanser?
The League · 151 quotes
