Jenny McArthur quotes from The League

I'm helping Ellie with her assignment. It's to draw her hero. And for some weird reason, she chose her father. And here's the picture.

What is this? Why am I naked?!

Jenny

Ellie did not draw that.

No, no, no, I helped her with this one.

Jenny

Taco, she can't bring this into a second grade classroom!

I'm sorry the crotchal region is not flattering, but it's accurate.

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Jenny

Taco, the fact that you drew an anatomically correct version of my husband is just wrong!

Well, it's not 100% anatomically correct.

I gave you an extra inch because it's about hero worship, right?

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An all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl, and I'm not even in it. You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife's name on it or as a bong in my attic. I'm destined to never win it.

Maybe you're like Moses, you know—you're supposed to lead the people to the desert, but you're not allowed to go into the promised land yourself.

Look at this! Look at this!

Holy shit. Interception. Two points.

Go for the sideline. Keep going, Ed Reed.

He's got one guy to beat.

[Jenny, on a stepladder, turns to watch and starts to fall. Kevin rushes over to catch her]

Jenny

Oh, my God. You saved me.

Kevin, six more points! You won!

I didn't even see the play.

Jenny

You took your eyes off the game and you saved me.

And I beat you. Suck it!

Jenny

Oh, I love you, dick cream.

[They kiss and Kevin drops her]

I'm going to the Shiva Bowl! SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDAKRAM!!!

[walking in with Ellie's collage] What is this?

Jenny

Ellie's homework.

This is why I wanted a new kid--this one's no good.

You cheated me in the draft order, and you thought you could outsmart Ruxin!

Ruxin, just look at what I drew up--you'll see that there was no difference in either way!

I'm not looking at anything 'cause all I see are lies and collusion! This whole season is null and void! Vull and noid!

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[Ruxin on the ground after having a stroke]

I think we're supposed to pee on him!

Jenny

That's jellyfish, you idiot!

It might not help, but it can't hurt.

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Having a near-death experience has really changed the way I see things.

Jenny

Ruxin had the stroke, not you, Taco.

I was right next to him. I was near death.

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[on video will] Hello, I'm Rodney Ruxin. Everyone calls me Ruxin. And this is my last will and testament. First of all, congratulations for knowing me. You really knocked it out of the park, friend-wise. But now I have moved on—left this world for a better place.

Jenny

Is it hot there?

Shh.

My prize golf clubs I leave to Pete. No, Kevin... Wha... Andre...

Me?

No... Pete... No, Kev... You know what, no, throw 'em away.

What?

Nope, sell them on Craigslist. No, you know what, throw them away.

It's classic. He even tinkers with his will.

Craigslist. Craigslist. A few things to clear up. Pete, your Paul's Boutique vinyl—I took it.

What?!

I listened to it, I scratched it, I threw it away and blamed it on the lacrosse team.

Son of a bitch. [noticing Sofia] Sorry.

To Jenny--honestly, I don't get it. I don't see what Kevin sees in you. I don't get you guys; never did.

100% agree.

Sofia

Yeah.

Now, if I die or am incapacitated during the regular season, I bequeath my team to... Andre.

Jenny

What?

He picked me. Out of all of you, he picked me. This is great. I mean...

Andre, the shit just got really real.

Okay.

And you better not fuck this up.

No pressure, buddy.

This has been my last will and testament. I mean, whatever, I'm dead now. So I just want to wish you one last hearty and heartfelt... Suck it!

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I have got to win the Shiva, because if I don't win the Shiva, then I don't win the bet!

Jenny

Hey, babe. You won the bet.

Huh?

Jenny

I'm pregnant.

Wait, just because I won?

Jenny

No, I found out a couple days ago.

We're gonna have another baby?

Jenny

Yeah.

Rafi

Are you sure it's not my baby? I did jerk off in your underwear drawer.

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Shiva

This league is a pain in my ass. I didn't ask to be a part of it, and I want out.

Jenny

But you're the Shiva.

Shiva

That's right, I am the Shiva. Totally. And the Shiva is angry. This league does not have the Shiva's blessing. This year will go badly for everyone. The Shiva has spoken.

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I'm not comfortable with this at all. It doesn't look very sterile. I saw some kid picking his nose outside.

Jenny

Have you met your daughter?

Ellie

What's that supposed to mean?

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And the thing with this Wonderlic test was not that the questions were so hard, but they were terribly worded. One of them was, like, "Randolph's got eight pairs of pants, four shirts, and six ties—how many days can he wear an outfit without repeating one?"

Jenny

192 days. 8 x 6 x 4.

Maybe, but you know, probably not. There were harder ones than that. They even went so far as to make up words. How many pints in a peck? That's not even real. What's a peck?

Ellie

A peck is two gallons.

No, it's not, sweetheart. You're wrong.

Jenny

She's right.

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I'm not even really convinced this whole piano thing is a good idea. I just want to start her on an activity that ensures she'll never have sex.

Jenny

Me too.

Okay, I still like my idea. I really think we should consider ballet. She can dance around with gay guys, and she won't have sex 'til she's, like, 30.

Jenny

Are you kidding me? Everyone wants to have sex with ballerinas. Did you see Black Swan? Ballerinas wanna have sex with ballerinas. I think musical instruments are the way to go, and we should just be thankful it's not a woodwind.

What do you mean?

Jenny

Really? Woodwind?

[She mimes playing a clarinet, but it looks like...]

Oh! God, Jenny!

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