Kevin[whispering] I need you to teach me how to be a liar.
[whispering] You don't need to whisper. We're in a law firm. Lying is encouraged here. Look, I am not your guy for this. You need a low-level maintenance liar like Pete. "No, I've never been married before." "Yeah, I definitely own my own home." "No, this isn't a cold sore." I'm the guy who you come to when you're ready to perjure yourself to protect an Australian mining consortium.
Kevin
Ruxin, you are the best worst person I know.
Thank you. I am very flattered and insulted by that.
Kevin
[as Ruxin, on webcam and dressed in judge's robe, bangs a gavel] What is this, Night Court?
Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Ruxin presiding.
It's the Chosen People's Court.
Now, citizens of the League, there is no greater threat to league integrity than an uncommitted owner. Taco's lack of interest is a black mark upon our league. He's still starting Kenny Britt, who's been injured for weeks. And while I have no respect for individual members of this league...
...I have a tremendous amount of respect for the League itself.
This is bordering on sincerity.
And as your league champion, I, Rodney Ruxin, submit that if Taco does not start a lineup with active NFL players—not NHL, CFL, WWE, or Panthro from the ThunderCats—that he shall be kicked out of this league.
[bangs gavel] I have spoken!
Kevin
Taco is vital to our league.
Yeah, and he's good for easy wins. All right, we got to put a stop to this.
Shadow government, all in.
[wrapped in flag and holding the Shiva] Shiva bless America...
PKPete, Kevin, Jenny
[hands in and break] One, two, three...we were never here!
I know you guys are planning something, so don't. Because I am watching you.
[Jenny quickly closes the laptop]
Kevin
What the...
Just be careful of the paint you use.
Kevin
Why?
Because I am currently representing a cheap paint company whose cans allegedly explode.
Just out of curiosity, what is your defense?
Well, if you are purchasing something that is half the price of your competitors, then there is a reasonable expectation that that product will explode in your face.
And morally, you're good with this?
There was just one word in there that I am not familiar with.
What are you guys doing in my bedroom?
[covering as Kevin zips back up] Oh, hi, sweetie. Honestly, I was looking for zipper fairies...
Kevin
Yes.
Kevin
Uh, fairies that hide in your zipper and get it stuck, and Mommy was just trying to get them all out.
Did you get all the zipper fairies out?
Kevin
No. No, she did not, sadly.
[seeing a silhouette of Jenny unzipping Kevin's pants, caused by an explosion of cheap paint] That's so cool. I love it. Mom, you're checking Dad's zipper for zipper fairies, right?
Kevin
[off Jenny's look, mortified] She didn't find any. I think they're dead.
It's so great that you have your dad with us. That's awesome.
RRRupert Ruxin
Are you part of this group? I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced.
Yeah, I was over at your house all the time.
Yeah, you used to call him "that boy."
You told me to stop wearing black because I looked like Nosferatu.
RRupert
I'm so sorry. No, I don't recall that.
Kevin
Hey, I'm Kevin. Remember me?
RRupert
Look, he still talks like he's seventeen. Sure, I remember you. What have you done with yourself? Let me guess, let me guess. Car salesman? Or, I know, failed inventor.
Kevin
I'm actually a district attorney.
Kevin
Assistant district attorney.
RRupert
[to Ruxin] You won. You won after all.
Oh, wow. Like father, like son. So good to see.
Anyhow, I'm not sure if you ever knew this, but we used to steal all the liquor from your cabinets and replace the bottles with water.
RRupert
I was quite aware. That's why I peed in the bottles before you ever got there.
That's why that mescal never tasted the same.
It's not ice cream, it's sorbet. You just gently take a little lick to cleanse your palate. Just gently. No, you're using your teeth. Biting is not good for the sorbet.
Kevin
Who cares about the sorbet?
HNHeather Nowzick
Kevin, just let the sorbet know you're there with the heat of your breath. Awaken it just ever so slightly before you touch it. By accident, almost. By accident with your lips.
Don't be shy to get a little finger in there too.
Kevin
Oh, so eating sorbet is like...going to church.
I don't really like sorbet, but I love watching women eat it.
Kevin
Oh. I got a seed.
HHeather
That happens. You know, it's like your tongue is dead weight. It fell asleep, and you [demonstrating] have to drag it with the motion of your head.
RRupert
I love the way Heather eats that sorbet. I myself enjoy the sorbet, but I like what you're saying about letting your tongue do that. You're doing something with your...with the movement of your head, but I find that you can eat the sorbet while keeping an active tongue. Like this. [Shows Heather, who does the same] Yeah, get active. Doesn't have to be completely dead. But it really is whatever you feel like. [Heather sticks her thumb in her mouth and pulls it out slowly] Ah...I like what you're doing there. You do as you feel. Dip it in. [Heather does so] And...deep, and you can make it deep.
Kevin
I'm never gonna be able to eat sorbet like that.
I feel like I'm watching my own birth.
RRupert
[as Heather spanks the sorbet] Yeah, you show me how you like me to eat sorbet.
Can we get a palate cleanser for our palate cleanser?
I'm helping Ellie with her assignment. It's to draw her hero. And for some weird reason, she chose her father. And here's the picture.
Kevin
What is this? Why am I naked?!
No, no, no, I helped her with this one.
Taco, she can't bring this into a second grade classroom!
I'm sorry the crotchal region is not flattering, but it's accurate.
Taco, the fact that you drew an anatomically correct version of my husband is just wrong!
Kevin
Well, it's not 100% anatomically correct.
I gave you an extra inch because it's about hero worship, right?
Kevin
An all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl, and I'm not even in it. You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife's name on it or as a bong in my attic. I'm destined to never win it.
Maybe you're like Moses, you know—you're supposed to lead the people to the desert, but you're not allowed to go into the promised land yourself.
Look at this! Look at this!
Holy shit. Interception. Two points.
Kevin
Go for the sideline. Keep going, Ed Reed.
He's got one guy to beat.
[Jenny, on a stepladder, turns to watch and starts to fall. Kevin rushes over to catch her]
Oh, my God. You saved me.
Kevin, six more points! You won!
Kevin
I didn't even see the play.
You took your eyes off the game and you saved me.
Kevin
And I beat you. Suck it!
Oh, I love you, dick cream.
[They kiss and Kevin drops her]
Kevin
I'm going to the Shiva Bowl! SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDAKRAM!!!
[walking in with Ellie's collage] What is this?
Kevin
This is why I wanted a new kid--this one's no good.
You cheated me in the draft order, and you thought you could outsmart Ruxin!
Kevin
Ruxin, just look at what I drew up--you'll see that there was no difference in either way!
I'm not looking at anything 'cause all I see are lies and collusion! This whole season is null and void! Vull and noid!
[on video will] Hello, I'm Rodney Ruxin. Everyone calls me Ruxin. And this is my last will and testament. First of all, congratulations for knowing me. You really knocked it out of the park, friend-wise. But now I have moved on—left this world for a better place.
Kevin
Shh.
My prize golf clubs I leave to Pete. No, Kevin... Wha... Andre...
No... Pete... No, Kev... You know what, no, throw 'em away.
Nope, sell them on Craigslist. No, you know what, throw them away.
It's classic. He even tinkers with his will.
Craigslist. Craigslist. A few things to clear up. Pete, your Paul's Boutique vinyl—I took it.
I listened to it, I scratched it, I threw it away and blamed it on the lacrosse team.
Son of a bitch. [noticing Sofia] Sorry.
To Jenny--honestly, I don't get it. I don't see what Kevin sees in you. I don't get you guys; never did.
Now, if I die or am incapacitated during the regular season, I bequeath my team to... Andre.
He picked me. Out of all of you, he picked me. This is great. I mean...
Andre, the shit just got really real.
And you better not fuck this up.
This has been my last will and testament. I mean, whatever, I'm dead now. So I just want to wish you one last hearty and heartfelt... Suck it!
Kevin
I have got to win the Shiva, because if I don't win the Shiva, then I don't win the bet!
Hey, babe. You won the bet.
Kevin
Huh?
Kevin
Wait, just because I won?
No, I found out a couple days ago.
Kevin
We're gonna have another baby?
Are you sure it's not my baby? I did jerk off in your underwear drawer.
I just look at all the players that are available, give them +1's or -1's for all their attributes, and it actually kind of works on women too.
Look, we all know, after the draft, there's not too much talent left on the free-agency market, right? The same thing is true for women after the age of 28 'cause all the good ones are basically taken.
Kevin
They're drafted to other people's teams.
And those who are left, myself included, have a ton of baggage. Maybe it's a bad hamstring, maybe she's got daddy issues, you know. This allows me to ferret it all out and make the right pick.
Wait a second, so you live your dating life like you're just choosing someone off the waiver wire?
Pretty much, yeah. I mean, look, here's an example. These three nice ladies over here. The one in the middle—she's beautiful. That gives her a +2. But look closely under her fingernails—there's some chalk. Means she's probably a teacher, has to get up early. That's a big -1 for me. Also, very expensive necklace—not affordable on a teacher's salary. That means she's probably taken. That gives her a -2, which means I've got to find another player to pick up.
The League · 151 quotes
