Kevin McArthur quotes from The League

Kevin

I'm not comfortable with this at all. It doesn't look very sterile. I saw some kid picking his nose outside.

Jenny

Have you met your daughter?

Ellie

What's that supposed to mean?

Taco

I'm gonna go smoke a bowl. I'll be right back.

Pete

Holy shit, is this for real?

Ruxin

These seem hard, but they're...not.

Andre

There's a lot of math.

Kevin

How can an electronics store have 182 customers in one day?

Andre

I don't understand why you need to know fractions for the NFL.

Taco

[taking shots with two women] To the Wonderlic! You guys ever been Wonderlic'd?

Kevin

Suzannah's giving away entirely too much of her tips.

Pete

You're still on Suzannah?

Kevin

Yeah.

Andre

[breaking his pencil tip] Can I have another pencil?

Kevin

The Wilson family has an eating disorder.

Andre

Joan's coat cost...

Ruxin

Just shut up.

Taco

[sitting back down] Who wants some shots?

Kevin

And the thing with this Wonderlic test was not that the questions were so hard, but they were terribly worded. One of them was, like, "Randolph's got eight pairs of pants, four shirts, and six ties—how many days can he wear an outfit without repeating one?"

Jenny

192 days. 8 x 6 x 4.

Kevin

Maybe, but you know, probably not. There were harder ones than that. They even went so far as to make up words. How many pints in a peck? That's not even real. What's a peck?

Ellie

A peck is two gallons.

Kevin

No, it's not, sweetheart. You're wrong.

Jenny

She's right.

Kevin

I'm not even really convinced this whole piano thing is a good idea. I just want to start her on an activity that ensures she'll never have sex.

Jenny

Me too.

Kevin

Okay, I still like my idea. I really think we should consider ballet. She can dance around with gay guys, and she won't have sex 'til she's, like, 30.

Jenny

Are you kidding me? Everyone wants to have sex with ballerinas. Did you see Black Swan? Ballerinas wanna have sex with ballerinas. I think musical instruments are the way to go, and we should just be thankful it's not a woodwind.

Kevin

What do you mean?

Jenny

Really? Woodwind?

Kevin

Oh! God, Jenny!

Kevin

Michael Moore came in here and J'd off in our bathroom.

Jenny

What?!

Kevin

Cracked his meat all over the place. It's disgusting!

Jenny

He just jerked off in our bathroom?

Kevin

Yes! He saw you, and then asked to be excused to go to the bathroom and...

Jenny

What?! That is disgusting! He went and jerked off in our bathroom [gets a little flattered] after he saw me walk by?

Kevin

First this guy comes in and treats or house like an adult theater, then he drops off a racist piano. Obviously the piano company just unloaded a product they didn't want anymore.

Taco

He unloaded a lot of stuff no one wants.

Jenny

You know what, sweetheart? Why don't we stop playing a musical instrument and start watching television?

Andre

Yeah, I hear The Grand Wizards of Waverly Place is on.

Jenny

You know what? Let's just get rid of this thing before we traumatize our daughter more than we already have.

Kevin

You know, if we just put her in ballet, all I would have to return is a pair of Capezios and an eating disorder.

Ruxin

Can I propose a best-of-both-worlds scenario?

Kevin

Please.

Ruxin

Maybe you should get some chocolate pudding, wipe it all over her face, and then she can perform Blackface Swan.

[laughing] This is good. You can't be friends, right? Because no one told the other person how they really look. Are you guys a boy band?

Andre

When we all hang out, people call us the Dre Tones.

Pete

No, not the Dre Tones.

Yeah, I got one better. Old Kids on the Block.

Pete

[shamed] That's a good one.

What about the Old Street Boys? I got one more, one more. Bell Biv DeOld!

Kevin

Yeah, well, these clothes are poison.

Kevin

I gotta yobogoya!

Jenny

No!

Pete

Yes!

Kevin

Where's the nearest bathroom?!

Pete

I think they're pretty far.

Kevin

No options!

Pete

What are you gonna do?

Kevin

[runs to the ocean] No options! Can't hold in!

Pete

Go, Kevin, go!

Taco

[with camera] I'm getting it!

Kevin

You're filming this?!

OH!

Pete

Sea biscuit!

Dibs on "sea biscuit" as my new team name!

Kevin

I'm not Seabiscuit!

Jenny

I gotta have vacation sex with that!

Ruxin

Oh, God, Pacific Ocean forever unclean!

Kevin

So wait, you masturbated and she went blind. [audience laughs]

Andre

Yeah. [audience laughs]

Pete

Wonder if she grew hair on her hands too. [audience laughs]

Jenny

I'm so sorry he sacked your son.

That wasn't a sack.

Kevin

That was a sack and a strip.

No one sacks a Cutler.

Kevin

Have you seen your offensive line? I think everybody sacks a Cutler.

Ruxin

What we should be worrying about is people changing team names mid-season.

Kevin

Well, I had to. Ellie was asking too many questions about "The Pleasures of Andre's Sister."

Pete

Well, we have all the answers for her.

Kevin

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to avoid. So we just changed it to something a little more G-rated.

Ruxin

"Too Hot to Handle"?

Andre

Yeah, I like it.

Kevin

This is the stuff you're gonna have to worry about once Geoffrey starts asking questions about your team name.

Ruxin

Oh, "Pete Top, Kevin Bottom"? No, I didn't have to explain it to him. He intuitively understood that you were the submissive.

Kevin

How are you doing?

Jenny

I, honestly, am in a lot of pain.

Kevin

Bam! You're welcome. I call that move the kidney shifter.

Jenny

No, things are just not good down south. It's...like Mississippi Burning.

Kevin

I never saw that movie.

Jenny

Well, it's not a comedy. Is there anything I need to know about? Has your...[indicating his package] been cleared to play?

Kevin

No, I don't have anything.

Jenny

Well, I don't have anything either, but something set fire to these crosses.

Kevin

I don't know what to tell you, sweetheart.

Jenny

How about telling the truth.

Kevin

Okay, fine, you want the truth? Okay, I have been using your toothbrush for the last three weeks 'cause I can't find mine, and I left CB at a grocery store once.

Jenny

Me too.

Kevin

But I am as clean as a mountain stream.

Jenny

I am as pure as the driven snow.

Kevin

I am spotless.

Jenny

Impeccable.

Kevin

Unsoiled!

Jenny

Unsullied!

Kevin

Unstained, and I'll piss in every glass that we own to prove it!

Jenny

This isn't a lab, Kevin; that's just ruining our glassware. Will you just get your equipmunk checked?

Kevin

Don't start equipmunk stuff.

Jenny

[as Kevin leaves] Equipmunk wrong! Equipmunk dirty! [to herself] Equipmunk make my downstairs hurty.

Kevin

When do we get to meet this secretive lady you're keeping from us?

Pete

Eh, whatever.

Ruxin

Have you crossed over the perv Rubicon into...underage ladies?

Pete

No, it's nothing like that. I just got involved with a... married woman.

Jenny

[appalled] Peter!

Kevin

[smiling] Man, that's... [off Jenny's look, changing tone] that's wrong. You shouldn't do that. That hurts people

Jenny

Try that again like you're not in a hostage video.

Jenny

How is married life for you, Peter?

Pete

It's incredibly frustrating right now. I can't meet her here, I can't meet her there.

Andre

Sounds like you need a super-secret plan—you know, follow her into a dress shop, wait until she goes into the dressing room, then you follow behind her and you slam the door, you look at her...

Pete

Okay, hold on a second. Andre, Andre, are you reading Danielle Steel again?

Andre

Well, I haven't stopped. You know, I like to complete an author.

Pete

She's got, like, 178 books!

Andre

What's wrong about reading a book that can make you moist? [The others groan in disgust] What, I can't say "moist"?

Kevin

No, stop it!

Andre

"Moist" is the classy "wet."

Pete

Stop! You know what? Let me explain to you the modern-day affair. It's about, she tells me she's going to the gym, I have to drive 50 minutes across town, through traffic, to get there. It's extremely complicated.

Jenny

Doesn't seem that complicated for her. I don't think you are her first, Pete—she didn't break the seal of adultery on you. You're not that special.

Pete

Um, excuse me, you don't know her. Georgia is a very nice person, she happens to be unhappy in her marriage, but she's promised me that I am the only person she's ever slept with outside of her marriage. [The others laugh hard] Oh, and why is this so funny?

Jenny

Okay, you know what, that is the female version of, "officer, I swear to God she looked 18."

Pete

[leaves in a huff] Enough, all right? I'm not just gonna sit here and listen to this just 'cause you guys are jealous that I'm having a great time.

Jenny

Oh, I'm sure she's telling you the truth.

Kevin

She's not lying to you. She's never lied to anyone except her husband, children, family, in-laws, everyone else she feels is sacred in her life.