[on Frank the Body] I don't miss that guy. That guy is the worst. He makes me appreciate you guys. That's how awful he is.
KevinThank you.
And he called me the Herdsman.
Kevin
Oh, the Herdsman! We haven't called you that in a while!
It was never even my nickname.
Kevin
Ruxin, if we lined up every girl you had sex with in high school, we could run for 1,000 yards behind them in the NFL.
At least I got laid in high school.
Yeah, you got laid because you are a rabid hyena on the mountaintop, just digging up every scrap you could find.
Well, yes, that was the motto of most of the girls you dated.
[to Pete] Stu didn't have sex in your mom's car. Kevin did.
[offering a high-five] Oh, yeah!
I'm sorry, how do you know this?
[taking it back] Oh, no. What? What?
Why don't they put these things in the reunion books?
Kevin lost his virginity to me in your mom's car.
I'm sorry, can I get some more details?
Kevin
No, no. Good.
He was so excited that when he came, he kicked through the window and then he yelled my name. "SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDARKRAM!!!" It was funny actually.
So the first Shiva Blast was your vinegar strokes.
Kevin
All right, Eskimo brother.
Kevin
What's that thing on top?
That is Sacko del Toro, otherwise known as a bull scrotum.
Wait, so we're naming it after a bull?
No, no, no, no. We said we were going to name it after the worst people at the reunion, and I did: you guys. You're literally the worst people I've ever known.
Kevin
Thank you.
You're all sacks of shit. Here's to the Sacko.
GThe guys
[toasting] To The Sacko.
Kevin
I love it. I hope I never win it.
JHJohn Hansen
[on Fantasy Sports Radio with Adam Kaplan] Back to the phone lines. We're going to K-Dog in Chicago. Yo, what's up, K-Dog?
Kevin
You remember me? I'm the guy you screwed over. You told me to start Wallace. Meanwhile, I've got Meachem sitting on the bench, and he scores two touchdowns.
AKAdam Kaplan
It's one player. Come on, dude.
Kevin
I lost by three points.
HHansen
We told you Meachem had upside potential.
Kevin
But you ranked Wallace higher.
Kevin
That's exactly what I am. I'm a slave to the rankings.
HHansen
Dude, you gotta be a man. Make your own decisions.
Kevin
I haven't made a decision for myself since the day I got married. I have a car that has a little screen that tells me what's behind me. I don't even want to make the decision of turning my head to look what I running over. Tell me what to do! And Hansen, you even call yourself a guru. You've gurued nothing! Don't call yourself an expert and give me shitty advice.
Kevin
You suck at your job.
HHansen
Dude, here's a prediction for you, my friend. You are banned from the show for life.
Kevin
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because I'll call in as other people. I'm going to be Mike from Seattle who's so upset Marshawn Lynch is having such a crappy year.
HHansen
Correction, my friend. You're Kevin McArthur from Winnetka, Illinois.
KKaplan
And I'm looking at your phone number right here, dude.
Kevin
It's not blocked? [He gets disconnected] Can I take back what I just said?
Kevin
[on webcam with Jenny, the others watching on their respective computers] Season's greetings, everyone.
Kevin
We wanted to take a minute to wish you and your families a happy and healthy holiday season.
We have so much to be thankful for.
Kevin
We have a healthy, wonderful daughter.
And did we forget to mention that we are both in the playoffs this season?
Kevin
It seemed to have slipped my mind. Yes, we are so blessed to have not one, but two teams in the playoffs. Most families don't have any.
Never should've made that trade with Taco.
And this week's matchup should be a cakewalk.
Kevin
Yes, you are going to obliterate Peter.
And you are going to kill Rodney.
So from the first family of fantasy football...
Kevin
...to your family at home...
KJKevin and Jenny
Suck it!
Now I think it's time for you to take a tubbie.
Kevin
Bath time.
Kevin
What did you say, young lady?
[turning to toy elf] Well, I'm sorry, what's that, Mr. Elf on the Shelf? You're calling Santa right now?
Kevin
Uh-oh, Santa's being phoned.
[walking away] All right. Stop busting my balls.
Kevin
Where did she learn to talk like that? I knew we were going to have a dick kid, I knew it.
[praying outside by Taco's egg-filled Nativity scene] Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh eggs and Jesus and Santa and Travolta's guy and, of course, Shiva, please let him miss this kick and let me win this game.
And please make him stop stinking so much.
Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.
[Inside the house]
Kevin
Okay, this is the greatest day of my life.
I hope the day Ellie was born was a close second.
Oh, my God, we are one gimme field goal away from an all-MacArthur Shiva Bowl.
Jenny, there's no jinxing. You got a top-five kicker for a 37-yarder with no wind in the middle...
Kevin
Silence! Here we go. Clean snap...snap is good...go to the top...looks good...
Kevin
Post?
Okay, I know you're upset right, but next week you're going to be so relaxed. Trust...[Jenny puts her hand to his mouth]
Kevin
SHIT!!!!!!
[hearing from outside] I won! It's an Eggsmas miracle!
[as Ruxin delightedly kisses him and the others come out of the house] Oh, this miracle smells like poo.
Kevin
Shit!
Kevin
You shut your MOUTH! Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Bullshit! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! "Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don't know how to set a lineup." Fuck you! Fuck you, Taco! Fuck you, Ruxin! [kicking over stands] Stupid Wise Men! Stupid eggs! Stupid fucking eggs!
Kevin
[still trashing egg Nativity scene] Stupid, stupid, stupid...
Daddy, stop! Kegel's watching you. He's gonna report to Santa.
Kevin
Look me in the eye, Ellie. There is no Kegel. And there is no Santa Claus and there's no Christmas, there's no God, there's no Easter Bunny! There's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, [breaking down] nothing!
I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.
Kevin
It's time for our offerings to the ShiDre, and I think we should start with the Shiva Bowl contestants, and I think ladies before dickheads.
Kevin
Ladies before dickheads, go ahead.
[offering a donut-shaped pillow] ShiDre, your hemorrhoid donut that you earned in Vegas when you made that hard drive up Andre's backfield. May you sit comfortably for all the rest of your years.
Next, as a ode to your terrible fashion sense, Dre and Andre, [offers a red porkpie hat] I offer you the hat that you gave me for Christmas.
Okay, you know what. Forgive me, but I think that hat's pretty pimpin'.
Well, Jenny, may the best man win this week.
Oh, Ruxin, you know you're only here because I drafted your team for you.
I don't remember it that way.
Really. All I know is that I got a killer lineup and I'm gonna get an amazing performance out of either Donald Brown or Steve Breaston.
Are you trying to get me to help you with your lineup right now? You are unbelievably horrible, Ruxin. I cannot wait to obliterate you. And you are going to lose, you are going to go home, and you are going to savage your pud.
You know, I am so glad Sofia's not in this league because you are just a brute of a wife.
Oh yeah, because every wife completely emasculates her husband. For shame, Jenny.
Kevin
Babe, are you ready to go?
Get back in the car, Kevin.
Kevin
Yes, ma'am.
[pulling back the shower curtain revealing Kevin masturbating to a smartphone in a plastic bag] I have drAIDS.
Kevin
Whoa!
Oh, ugh! Kevin, you have betrayed my trust.
Kevin
Babe, it's just a little bit of porn. No one ever...
I don't care that you are yanking it in a shower. Savage yourself all you want; do not touch my lineup.
Kevin
Babe, I was doing what I felt was right for the entire team, for the whole MacArthur team. I mean, this is the Shiva Bowl, babe.
Are those our sandwich bags?
Kevin
Yeah. They work so good.
[replacing the curtain] My whole life is cursed.
Kevin
Is it weird if I finish?
[holding the Shiva] Free at last, free at last. Shiva, I am free at last!
Uh, did you just compare yourself to Martin Luther King?
Wow, you're feeling really good, aren't you?
I feel great 'cause I'm a champion and I'm here with my beautiful lady, my Shiva. But Shiva's a little naked today. That's why I got her this.
[He holds up a revised plate]
It's already got your name on it.
That's right it does. "Ruxin! Suck it!" Let the unrelenting reign of Ruxin begin. [Slaps the plate on the Shiva and hoists it high] SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKADARKRAM! I won the Shiva! The Dre is dead!
[Everyone looks in the sky]
Kevin
Is that a solar eclipse?
Guys, was there supposed to be a solar eclipse today?
Kevin
This league is doomed.
Ruxin has won. It is the end of days!
This is exactly how I picture it when I'm masturbating, down to the fact you're all watching! The only difference is Andre's wearing a stupid hat! [Andre pulls out his hat] That's the one. Put it on so I can finish!
[wearing the hat] It's not stupid. Will Smith has the same one.
Ellie is having a great time with all these hammers and nails, so...
And she's killing it on the electric saw. Learned it in five minutes.
Kevin
Ellie, just go inside, we're gonna start dinner soon, OK? Wash your hands, please.
Look, I can't have the party at my house, 'cause people will Google Map it, they'll see the swastika, and they'll think I'm having some sort of suburban Kristallnacht.
Kevin
And whose fault is that?
I would say Hitler, and really, the Poles. They were the worst of them all.
Taco, this sukkah is supposed to be for Sukkot.
Yes, and after Sukkot comes Taccot.
Taccot is an ideal plane of existence where the 12 tribes of Israel come together with people who are high on mushrooms and groove to Aphex Twin.
Kevin
This is my home.
Yeah, I'll give you all-access passes at a discount rate.
Guys, can we take a seat, please? Sit. [The league sits down] All right, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think our league is lacking something.
No, guys, trust. Every league gets to this point where we've cheated each other so many times over the years, we don't trust each other enough to make a simple trade. We've crossed the distrust horizon into the land of no trades.
Gee, I wonder who's responsible for that.
You are the Patient Zero of distrust, Pete.
OK, I admit it. But it's time for us to clear the air and get a little honesty going, okay?
OK. What happened in my apartment during the draft?
Did you guys cheat picking the draft order?
Okay, good. Now that we're all being honest, I would like to show you something. [Removes a drape and reveals a dry-erase board with everyone's rosters, to which they are all amazed] As you can all see, all of our teams suck. Some of the lineups aren't even legal. So in honor of Sukkot, I would like to propose to you what I call the eight-way trade.
Wait—an eight-way? But Andre's sister's not even here.
Andre's sister? Shotgun last.
I think I've come up with a plan that everyone will be happy with if we just...do this. [Proceeds to make several trades throughout] Okay, Andre, you're in need of a good defense. You have four tight ends. I have four defenses and no tight ends.
Kevin, three quarterbacks.
Kevin
That could help out Taco, and the thing is, you got to start getting rid of some of these kickers.
I like kickers. They're the toughest.
Jenny, you might need more at wide receiver than just Michael Crabtree. Ruxin, you could let go of one or two of your wide receivers.
I'm not letting go of anyone good--no!
Package two wide receivers with the Baltimore defense and trade it for...MJD.
I like Maurice Jones-Drew.
Kevin
Hey, what about me?
I haven't forgotten about you, Kevin.
It's like a useless Good Will Hunting.
Kevin
It's still not fair.
You just got a great kicker.
One more move, and it's done. Do we have a deal. [Everyone agrees] Sukkot pact 2011, all in?
The League · 151 quotes
