Kevin McArthur quotes from The League

Ruxin

Rafi's coming by for a drink.

Pete

You invited him here? Why?

Ruxin

Cause he's in the league. He's our friend.

Andre

You know we hate him, right? You realize that. We call him "El Cuñado".

Kevin

He's vile.

Ruxin

By the way, "El Cuñado" just means "brother-in-law" in Spanish. I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make it sound dirty.

Kevin

No, it does sound dirty.

Andre

[sounding dirty] El Cuñado.

Pete

El Cuñado. When did you become such a fan of El Cuñado? You used to rip on him constantly, and then all of a sudden you marry his sister and he's your best friend now?

Andre

You used to call him, like, a homeless, ethnic Santa Claus.

Ruxin

It happened to be around Christmastime, and he was carrying a big bag of things.

Pete

[on Kevin's shelves full of For Dummies books] That's a lot of books.

Ruxin

I thought these were all Yellow Pages.

Kevin

Why would I keep Yellow Pages?

Ruxin

Why would you keep a stack of "How I'm a Dummy" books everywhere?

Kevin

Because this is my own personal research library.

Pete

[perusing the books] Stretching for Dummies.

Ruxin

Holiday Entertaining for Dummies.

Kevin

Those things are high-pressure situations.

Pete

Cryptography for Dummies. Three seconds—what is cryptography?

Kevin

You know what, that came in a set.

Ruxin

Oh, Kevin. Law for Dummies?

Kevin

I should've hid that one.

Ruxin

You're a lawyer, Kevin.

Kevin

It's full of common sense legal advice.

Pete

Jesus! Mexico's Beach Resorts for Dummies. How hard is it to hang out in a beach in Mexico?

Ruxin

Is there a How to Hide Your Glaring Lack of Knowledge From Your Friends for Dummies, cause that's one you should've bought.

Andre

I met this doctor, Dr. Maxwell. Real class act.

Pete

Is he...black?

Andre

How'd you know?

Pete

Nine times out of ten, when a sportscaster is referring to someone as a "class act", they're talking about a head coach who's black. "Tony Dungy, what a class act."

Kevin

"Total. Lovie Smith—class act."

Andre

I never noticed that. I mean, it happens all the time?

Kevin

It's not just football. Sportscasters use these code words in all sports. If they're talking about a Latino player in baseball, like, "Ozzie Guillen is a..."

Ruxin

Firecracker. Latin guys are always firecrackers.

Kevin

"...firecracker."

Pete

Spark plug.

Kevin

Spark plug in the clubhouse.

Ruxin

Wes Welker is like a gym rat, a real scrappy player.

Kevin

Which is code word for "white."

Ruxin

Always a white guy.

Kevin

Ichiro Suzuki is...

Taco

Inscrutable.

Kevin

You cannot be in a league with Russell

Jenny

Why? He called the other day, they needed an extra person, we were talking, he asked me if I could do it.

Kevin

Jenny, Russell is a sex addict.

Jenny

There's no such thing as a sex addict. There's just guys.

Kevin

Yes, guys who want to sleep with everything.

Jenny

Yeah, guys.

Kevin

This guy is perverted, all right? Who starts a league week three?

Jenny

Whatever. I'll figure it out. We're going over there for the draft, and I'm excited.

Kevin

Jenny, I don't want you to be in a league with Russell the sex machine. I want you to be in a league with me.

Jenny

Really?

Kevin

Really.

Jenny

Well, it didn't sound like that in Vegas, did it?

Pete

Enter initiate, please.

Jenny

[entering with a plate] I made brownies...

Ruxin

No, no, no, no, don't take food from the initiate. Kneel!

Jenny

No.

Ruxin

Stand.

Jenny

No. I think I'll sit and just be comfortable.

Ruxin

Sit comfortably!

Jenny

Thanks.

Andre

Wait, that's all the hazing? You guys hazed me for two weeks. I'm still finding pieces of squid all over my apartment.

Kevin

So, due to last night's circumstances, Raffi has decided to leave the league. So we welcome a new member. Welcome, sweetheart.

"Sweetheart"? No.

Andre

That's all she gets? You guys called me "dick cream" for two years.

Kevin

You want "dick cream" back?

Andre

No. I wanna be called Andre, Dre, D-Man, all right?

Jenny

Raffi left me with, like, a roster of total crap, and I was thinking that maybe we could just redraft.

No!

Andre

No, no, no. You're on your own now. Welcome to the league.

Jenny

All right, I accept the challenge. And I will take this donkey of a team and I'm gonna turn it into a champion, dick cream.

Andre

No, no, no, no dick cream.

Jenny

But just FYI, you guys. You know your buddy Russell? Not a sex addict.

Oh, yeah, he is.

Pete

What are you drinking?

Andre

Oh, it's this amazing energy supplement. It's Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick.

Kevin

SPUNK.

Andre

Yeah, Oh, you guys heard of it. Yeah, it's the best. SPUNK is amazing.

Jenny

Yeah?

Andre

It just gives me so much more energy. I just suck these down. I love SPUNK.

Pete

But what does it taste like, just out of curiosity?

Andre

It's a little salty. But when you're running, you just want it. Like, I want some SPUNK, you know?

Kevin

Do you have, like, a favorite flavor SPUNK?

Andre

I don't think they have flavors or just different colors. I like the black kind.

Pete

So where do you get this stuff?

Andre

I got a guy.

Jenny

So you didn't have a problem getting Ellie over to Jackie's?

Kevin

I thought you brought her to gymnastics.

Jenny

No. I brought her to gymnastics, and you were supposed to pick her up and drop...oh, my God.

Andre

Parent fail.

Kevin

Do me a favor and say, "happy anniversary."

Jenny

I will when she says, "happy birthday."

Kevin

No, you say it first.

Jenny

You look lovely.

Sofia

Thank you. This is the same dress that I wore at my rehearsal dinner the night before my wedding.

Jenny

Oh, the night before my birthday?

Sofia

My wedding.

Jenny

My birthday.

Sofia

My wedding.

Jenny

My birthday.

Sofia

My wedding five years ago. Can you believe the dress still fits? Actually, I had to take in it just a little bit.

Jenny

I am going to go get a drink.

It is so great to finally meet you guys in person. Rodney?

Ruxin

Ruxin.

Oh, my God. I found some of your college poetry—on an archived Prodigy page—and I just have to say, "Hernando's Song" was beautiful.

Sofia

What is she talking about?

It is beautiful. And you, Kevin. How many times do I have to poke you before you accept my friend request on Facebook?

Kevin

I don't even know who you are.

Sofia, oh, my God. [leaning in close] By the way, love the nose job; it's perky, cute, but it doesn't rob you of your ethnicity, you know? Anyway, I'm going to grab a drink. Do you want something?

Andre

Whatever you're having. [They kiss and Stacy walks away] Isn't she great?

No.

Sofia

She's weird.

Jenny

Totally weird.

Andre

What do you mean, she's weird? No.

Kevin

She's strange, man.

Sofia

Shit's natural, bitch.

Andre

Okay, guys, just chill out. She Googled you guys.

Kevin

No, no, she Googled too deep. She's a deep Googler. She's like page five shit, man.

Jenny

No, actually, I am kind of curious about this poetry thing you've got going on, Rodney.

Ruxin

It was a goof.

Andre

[on his iPad] I got it right here. "With auburn hair and dark, dark eyes, Hernando rode the steed of love into the gallows of my heart."

Jenny

Hernando's a man's name.

Ruxin

I'm worried that her family full of conquistadors is going to round up my whole family and stick us in a basement and put yellow stars on us.

Andre

That's the worst case scenario.

Ruxin

What is it with Catholicism? Why is the baby running the show here?

Pete

No, no, don't touch, don't touch. You'll burn your skin.

Ruxin

I don't know why I'm marrying this woman. Why couldn't I just marry a nice Jewish girl—Andrea Greenblatt in fourth grade?

Pete

Because you like blowjobs.

Ruxin

I love blowjobs! I haven't even written my vows yet, Kevin.

Kevin

Your vows are the easy part. Very simple. This is what you do. "Love is a..." any noun you want. Any noun you want, all right? You just do that. "Love is a journey. Love is a commitment." And on the third one, you can't get it out. "Love is a...hold on, give me a second. [Starting to cry] I can't get it out. I just...I need a second. Love is a wonderful thing." And that's it—done.

Kevin

What I felt tonight was...

Jenny

Was "insert adjective here."

Kevin

Babe, I'm so sorry about today. I really screwed up.

Jenny

Why? It's kind of the best birthday ever.

Kevin

Really?

Jenny

Are you kidding me? It's like a train wreck. I can't look away.

Kevin

[in court seeing Taco eating popcorn] Taco? I knew one day you'd get arrested. What did you do?

Taco

I'm here for the show.

Kevin

What show?

Taco

My favorite show's Judge Joe Brown, and my cable's out, so I figure this will be the next best thing.

Kevin

What if you didn't pick up Mike Bell?

Jenny

Why wouldn't I pick him up?

Kevin

Love.

Jenny

Are you trying to collude with me?

Kevin

Shh. Don't put words in my mouth. There's no colluding. I'll say this. If this was to occur, I would give you some really good sex.

Jenny

Really?

Kevin

I would do that. I would try my best.

Jenny

Do you not try your best now?

Kevin

I will give you 100% for four minutes, and then, like, 60% for the five minutes after that. And then after that, you're on your own.

Jenny

You naughty little commissioner.

Kevin

Yeah.

Jenny

You know what you can do are all of Ellie's thank-you notes.

Kevin

Why doesn't Ellie do her own thank-you notes?

Jenny

Because Ellie doesn't need Mike Bell.

Kevin

Why would you think I'm colluding?

Ruxin

Your wife asked you to do something, and you did it on the first ask. It takes my wife three asks before I'll do something menial like take the trash out, and we have a loving marriage.

Kevin

Why didn't you just move out of the way, Taco?

Taco

Why? I couldn't stop. I was at the vinegar strokes.

Andre

What are vinegar strokes?

Taco

It's the point during the sexual experience when a man is about to orgasm, and he makes likes someone put a spoonful of vinegar up to his nose.