A character in The Inbetweeners
Played by Blake Harrison
The Inbetweeners · 149 quotes
4th most-quoted character in The Inbetweeners: in 40 of its 149 quotes
Most scenes with: Jay (28), Will (24), Simon (21)
(a fish has jumped into the boat) Jesus Christ! How the hell has that happened?
NeilI dunno, it didn’t have any bait on it.
Get it out!
NeilIt’s just a fish.
It’s a fucking terrifying massive fish! Get rid of it Neil!
NeilBetter kill it, It’s the kindest thing to do; it won’t survive back in the sea now.
Well, that was a much more dignified end for it(!)
What are you hoping to get out of this assignment?
NeilDon’t worry. I won’t steal nothing.
(about the French exchange student) He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I’d tried the “Sleeping Beauty.”
NeilOh, it’s good, that.
What, you know it?
NeilYeah. You sit on your arm till your hand goes dead - ten, 15 minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it.
How do you know these things?
Oh, everyone knows the “Sleeping Beauty.” That’s old.
Is it?
Yeah, my mate’s brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang.
They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh, there’s nothing gay about that(!)
Yeah, well, he’s in the Air Force now, so how gay is that?
Still quite gay.
(about finding dates for Will’s birthday party) Maybe I’ll see what Carli’s up to.
Not being seen dead with you in a million years is what she’s up to.
Oh, I’m sorry, Russell Brand(!) Who are you bringing again?
Don’t worry about me, mate. I’m up to my neck in sluts at the moment. Maybe I’ll bring my new fuck buddy along - that little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.
NeilYou pulled a barmaid? Nice.
Has she got any special dietary requirements? It’s just I’ve never cooked for an imaginary woman before.
Well, I know she’s not allergic to nuts. MY nuts.
Brilliant.
Or my cock.
She only eats small portions, then.
Well, I didn’t hear your mum complaining, although her mouth was full at the time.
Yep. Good one(!)
Have you really booked a stripper?
Yeah! She was only 150 quid!
How did you manage to pay for that?
NeilWe haven’t paid yet. We’ll just have a whip-round when she gets here.
A whip-round? We don’t have £30 each!
Nah, it’s…oh…
Great, so until an angry lap dancer turns up we are without female company.
Look, I put a lot of effort into this! I made a really nice coq au vin…
Cock of what?!
You don’t help yourself, do you?
Oh yes, I see, 'coq' au vin, very mature! It actually mean chicken in wine, doesn’t it, Patrice?
Quoi?
Well, it does, and it doesn’t mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head, or…
…you got some cock in the back of a van…
Or that I got some cock in the back of a van! Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilised and sophisticated dinner party. Just something a little different from the usual parties - maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! Okay, so there aren’t any girls here, but why don’t we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? I know it’s a tall order, and I’m not expecting sparkling, but let’s give it a go, eh, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!
NeilHow much Lego can you stuff up your bum?
Oh, for Christ’s sake!
NeilNo not now, like when you were younger how much did you get up there?
You are grim mate.
Why were sticking Lego up your bum?
Oh God, what if my birthdays just get worse and worse from now on? What’ll happen next year?
You get AIDS?
I’d have to have sex for that to happen.
NeilOr fuck a monkey?
Technically, that still counts as sex.
Or drink from the same cup as Neil’s dad.
NeilOi, my dad does not have AIDS!
Oh mate, your dad is so AIDS, he’s the one who gave it to the monkeys!
NeilYou take that back!
That’s what the monkeys said to him.
Slow down a minute, Si.
(Leaning out the window) BUS WANKERS! (The boys all laugh as Jay gets back in and puts his seatbelt back on.)
Where did that come from? Bus wankers!
I dunno, it just felt right!
You could see their little faces drop as they thought, “We must be the bus wankers.”
Neil(Leaning over Will to get to Simon) Pull over, Si. I need a piss.
(Neil is in the toilet nursing his penis after cutting it earlier) What’s taking so fucking long?
NeilOh, mate, it’s not good. Get us some bog roll. It’s bleeding. Look!
Oh, Jesus, put it away, Neil!
NeilI can’t. It stings when it rubs on my pants.
Well, take your pants off, then
NeilThen it’ll rub on my jeans.
Neil, no matter what your old man says, you can’t walk around London with your knob hanging out.
Neil(being chucked out of the club for wanking in the toilets, but in reality nursing his cut penis) No, wait! No! I wasn’t wanking!
Oh, great(!)
NeilMy cock’s cut. My cock is cut!
NeilJust who is this Duke of Edinburgh? Does he teach it?
No, of course he doesn’t teach it, you fucking idiot. The Duke of Edinburgh is Prince Charles.
Um, no, he isn’t. It’s his dad.
NeilKing Phillip?
No, I mean, that IS the Duke of Edinburgh you’re thinking of, but he’s not the king.
NeilHe fucks the Queen, though.
Oh.
Probably up the arse.
LOOK, do you wanna sign up or not?
You’ve gotta be fucking joking. There’s no way I’m gonna get bummed by some royal bloke on a mountain.
NeilYeah, fuck it, I’m in.
(Noticing Will asleep in the common room) Here he is - Sleeping Ugly.
NeilHe’s asleep, I reckon.
That’s cos he was up all night shagging.
NeilYeah.
I bet he creep into her room at night, kisses them on the forehead and then slides right into their powdery, old fanny.
Have you had a wank over Will’s mum?
NeilNo…not yet.
Please don’t have a wank over my mum!
NeilI can’t promise that, I’m afraid.
Hang on a minute, have you had your left ear pierced?
Yes.
Isn’t that the ear you get pierced to say you’re gay?
Well, there’s a quick way to find out, Neil, which ear’s your Dad got pierced?
NeilNeither, cos he’s not bent!
Of course not. Will, which ear’s the gay one?
Oh, I’m the last person to ask.
NeilI thought you knew everything?
Well, I don’t know any boys who’ve had their ears pierced… because I went to a private school.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Inbetweeners pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
