CMr Cooper
You lot seem very quiet tonight.
Yeah, well, it’s better than hearing non-stop bullshit
CMr Cooper
Language. What’s that on your head, Simon?
(Sarcastically) Oh, I don’t know, Dad. Oh, yeah, it’s a hat. Obviously. God!
CMr Cooper
Looks bloody stupid.
CMr Cooper
You look like a butcher.
Pete Doherty wears them, actually.
CMr Cooper
Pete Doherty’s butcher wears them.
Oh, I forgot you were a comedian as well as a cab driver.
CMr Cooper
Oi! I’m doing you a favour. Why are you wearing it anyway? You’ve never worn anything like that before.
NeilHe’s meeting a bird.
CMr Cooper
Knew it. You’ve got that look in your eye.
CMr Cooper
Sort of an animal look. I’ve seen it when you watch TV sometimes, X Factor and that.
What, when he sees Louis Walsh?
CMr Cooper
No, thankfully Cheryl Cole. If his mum’s in the room, he has to pop a pillow over his lap.
Please sort me out, geezer? I’ve got 20 quid.
DDealer
So what? What do you want from me?
You know, gear. Sweet Mary Jane. Ganja, man.
DDealer
Oh, so you want to buy drugs! And you came to me - why?
Neil
Well, cos we saw you…
DDealer
Cos I’m black? You saw a black guy at a gig and thought “must be a drug dealer?”
DDealer
You fucking white boys are all the same. You know. Scratch beneath the surface just a little bit, and you’re RACIST. Yeah, that’s right, I said it - racist.
Neil
But have you got any drugs?
DDealer
Yes, I have, but that’s not the point. The point is you ASSUMED I had some just cos I’m black.
Could we buy some please?
DDealer
Why should I deal to you? Hmm? Why should I deal to two little suburban racists who see me as some kind of stereotype? I’m at university.
Neil
But you are a drug dealer as well, yeah?
DDealer
Yes, I do deal, but you keep missing the point.
Look, here’s 30 quid, could we just have some puff?
DDealer
Yes, you can, but only because I’m a dealer, NOT because I’m black. Now fuck off.
Can you roll it up for us, please?
Oi, Neil, hear about Boy? He was messing about up the rec, got his head wedged in a bottle bank. When they found him the next morning, he’d been arse raped eighteen times.
Neil
Oh, mate, that’s grim!
Well, firstly, what was he doing with his head wedged in a bottle bank?
Looking for bottles, you mug.
Okay. Secondly, the first 18 people to find him happened to be opportunistic homosexual rapists?
Obviously…oi, Neil, where was ya Dad last night?
Neil
Badminton, why?
(suspiciously) 'Course he was.
And finally, after what was, at best, a humiliating experience, would he, as the victim, tell anyone - let alone YOU - about it?!
I used to sit next to him in woodwork.
Yeah, I got a blowjob when I was eleven off the cleaner.
Who was your cleaner, Gary Glitter?
Neil
Was it good?
Yeah, amazing. I pissed right in her mouth.
What? Why would you do that?
That’s how you finish blowjobs!
And she said I was the best she’d ever had!
Through mouthfuls of piss.
Before she had to get on with the hoovering.
I dunno what your problem is, I’ve never been out with a girl I liked anyway.
Except for the last one, who made you cry.
Neil
Oh, mate, that is well out of order.
(Incredulously) What?! After all he’s said to us?!
Yeah, well some things just aren’t okay. (To Jay) You alright, mate?
(Looking at the floor) Yeah, I’m fine.
(To Will, sternly) Apologise.
Neil
How long you had the dog now, Jay?
Neil
And has he always watched you tug one off?
No! I wasn’t wanking when I was 10, was I?!
Neil
I thought you got laid when you was nine? With that fit babysitter?
…Erm…yeah, and that’s WHY I wasn’t wanking so much.
(after a squirrel refuses to dodge Jay’s car) You’ve just lost a game of chicken with a rodent!
Neil
Oh, that’s so funny! He’s mugging you off, mate!
Right, we’ll see about that!
Neil
Oh, why did you do that for?!
That’ll show him! Fucking little piss taker.
I don’t think he was trying to take the piss, Jay!
Neil
Let’s go get a spade, we’ll bury it.
(Mournfully) His eyes look sad.
(voiceover) So in Neil and Jay’s course of destruction, the death toll stood at ten destroyed daffodils and one piss-taking squirrel.
The Inbetweeners · 149 quotes
