3rd most-quoted character in The Inbetweeners: in 47 of its 149 quotesJay (29), Will (27), Neil (21)
Scenes with Simon 42
Simon Can you not?
FF Football Friend
Alright Jay!
FF Football Friend
Do you like it? I just got new rims for it.
Simon (To Neil, so Jay can hear) Ooh friend.
Simon Ooh, car friend, shall we play football?
FF Football Friend
I’ve just got to pop home now, but, you can have a drive later if you like.
Simon (High-pitched) Cheers friend.
(High-pitched) Car friend.
Simon (High-pitched) Football!
FF Football Friend
See you later, then. (He turns left and drives off back home. Jay turns round after a moment, looking angrily at Simon and Neil)
He’s not my fucking friend!
Simon (Looking apologetically at Jay) Alright. Friend! (Neil bursts into laughter. Jay storms off, quickly followed by Simon and Neil, who’re still chanting “Friend!”)
Simon (High-pitched) Friend.
Simon (High-pitched) Made-up football friend!
(Angrily) Just give it a fucking rest, will ya?!
Simon (Normal voice) Hello, isn’t that Friend’s car?
(High-pitched, pointing at the car) Ooh, new rims car friend! (He puts his thumbs up too)
I’ll show you how much of a friend he is. (He moves to the front of the car) Fucking friend. (He climbs up onto the car bonnet) (In a slightly maniacal voice) Ooh friend! (He jumps; the car alarm goes off) Friend! Friend! Fucking football friend! (Jumping all the while)
Simon I never thought he’d get that wound up. (We see that Football Friend is emerging from a house on the opposite side of the road, and he is running over, gobsmacked about what’s happening)
FF Football Friend
Jay, what you doing?
(Turns to face him, still with maniacal voice, still jumping) Ooh friend! Friend! (Normal voice) I’m not your fucking friend! Alright?! Alright?!
Simon What shall I write?
“Spread ‘em. I’ll be there in half an hour.”
Or, “So lovely to hear from you, it would be a pleasure to meet up.”
Where are all these women, then?
There’s loads. Just look around you.
Simon Where?
Everywhere. What about her? (points to her on a seesaw)
Simon She’s about 12, Jay.
Nah, she’s older than that. Believe me, Christ!
Simon Neil, did you wet yourself in my new car?
Simon (enquiringly) Did you wet yourself?
No. But I did have a bird back in here.
Simon (alarmed) You fucked a girl in my car?!
No, it’s too small. Did a lot of fingering, though. She wanked me off a few times.
Simon He was caught in the music cupboard wanking over the school orchestra.
Simon Before we started.
Simon You are all right with me seeing Lauren later, aren’t you?
Simon She’s pretty cool actually.
Is she? (to the seagulls) FUCK OFF, YOU BEADY-EYED LITTLE SHITS!
Simon (To Will) Maybe Charlotte needs someone to help service her car!
Oh, I’d service her alright! I’d slide my dipstick in right deep!
Simon He kicked me in the cock!
Good shot to get you in the cock!
Simon (about the French exchange student) He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I’d tried the “Sleeping Beauty.”
Simon What, you know it?
Yeah. You sit on your arm till your hand goes dead - ten, 15 minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it.
How do you know these things?
Oh, everyone knows the “Sleeping Beauty.” That’s old.
Yeah, my mate’s brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang.
They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh, there’s nothing gay about that(!)
Yeah, well, he’s in the Air Force now, so how gay is that?
Simon (about finding dates for Will’s birthday party) Maybe I’ll see what Carli’s up to.
Not being seen dead with you in a million years is what she’s up to.
Simon Oh, I’m sorry, Russell Brand(!) Who are you bringing again?
Don’t worry about me, mate. I’m up to my neck in sluts at the moment. Maybe I’ll bring my new fuck buddy along - that little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.
You pulled a barmaid? Nice.
Has she got any special dietary requirements? It’s just I’ve never cooked for an imaginary woman before.
Well, I know she’s not allergic to nuts. MY nuts.
Simon Brilliant.
She only eats small portions, then.
Well, I didn’t hear your mum complaining, although her mouth was full at the time.
Simon Have you really booked a stripper?
Yeah! She was only 150 quid!
Simon How did you manage to pay for that?
We haven’t paid yet. We’ll just have a whip-round when she gets here.
A whip-round? We don’t have £30 each!
Great, so until an angry lap dancer turns up we are without female company.
Look, I put a lot of effort into this! I made a really nice coq au vin…
Simon You don’t help yourself, do you?
Oh yes, I see, 'coq' au vin, very mature! It actually mean chicken in wine, doesn’t it, Patrice?
Well, it does, and it doesn’t mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head, or…
Simon …you got some cock in the back of a van…
Or that I got some cock in the back of a van! Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilised and sophisticated dinner party. Just something a little different from the usual parties - maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! Okay, so there aren’t any girls here, but why don’t we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? I know it’s a tall order, and I’m not expecting sparkling, but let’s give it a go, eh, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!
How much Lego can you stuff up your bum?
No not now, like when you were younger how much did you get up there?
Simon Why were sticking Lego up your bum?
Oh God, what if my birthdays just get worse and worse from now on? What’ll happen next year?
I’d have to have sex for that to happen.
Technically, that still counts as sex.
Simon Or drink from the same cup as Neil’s dad.
Oi, my dad does not have AIDS!
Oh mate, your dad is so AIDS, he’s the one who gave it to the monkeys!
That’s what the monkeys said to him.
Why are you wearing trainers, Si?
Simon Because they look good.
I specifically said no trainers, not if we want to get into clubs.
Simon Everyone wears trainers.
Jay hasn’t got trainers on. I haven’t got trainers on.
You’ve got fucking flippers on. What size are they?
Simon Oh, yeah, Ronald McDonald called. He wants his shoes back.
There’s nothing wrong with these, they’re Italian.
(in Italian accent) Hey! Where are my-a flippers?
Simon At least you’ll be all right if you fall in the Thames.
Yeah, very funny! Would it have killed you to wear shoes to be safe?
Simon Whoa, check out Neil’s car.
I’d say half-right. It’s shit.
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The Inbetweeners · 149 quotes
Simon
