Simon quotes from The Inbetweeners

Jay

Slow down a minute, Si.

Jay

(Leaning out the window) BUS WANKERS! (The boys all laugh as Jay gets back in and puts his seatbelt back on.)

Simon

Where did that come from? Bus wankers!

Jay

I dunno, it just felt right!

Will

You could see their little faces drop as they thought, “We must be the bus wankers.”

Neil

(Leaning over Will to get to Simon) Pull over, Si. I need a piss.

Neil

(being chucked out of the club for wanking in the toilets, but in reality nursing his cut penis) No, wait! No! I wasn’t wanking!

Simon

Oh, great(!)

Neil

My cock’s cut. My cock is cut!

Jay

Because you’re a paedo.

Will

Well, if I did fancy old people, which I don’t, that would make me the opposite of a paedophile.

Simon

He is right.

Jay

Well, then, he’s an OAPaedo.

Will

Brilliant.

Jay

You’re desperate for a gum job.

Will

Am I?

Jay

“Oh, hello, I’m Will. Pop your teeth out, Doris, and have a little nosh on this.”

Will

(to Simon) Good, cos I need you to do something for me.

Simon

Okay, what is it?

Will

Have a look at my cock.

Simon

(nervously) Um…

Will

Not in a gay way. It’s just that something’s gone wrong.

Simon

I think looking at your cock at all is a bit gay.

Will

Please, I’m serious. All my pubes have fallen out.

Simon

What?

Will

I was asleep at school, and I must have had a wet dream cos it was all sticky…

Simon

You spunked in the common room?

Will

Yes, but listen! And I went home to clean up and all my pubes came off in the shower.

Simon

Sorry, you spunked your pants in the common room during the day, when there were people around?

Will

(matter of factly) Yes.

Simon

And then your pubes fell out?

Will

(exasperated) Yes!

Simon

I think this is way out of my league.

Will

Just take a look at it. Normally, it wouldn’t matter, but I’ve got that date with Daisy in about 2 hours. What if she wants more than a snog?

Simon

Even a snog’s unlikely - no offence - but go on.

Will

Well, if the miracle does happen and if she touches or, worse, sees the bald old fella, what’s she going to think?

Simon

That you’re a porn star?

Will

Look at me. I don’t think she’s gonna think I’m a porn star, Simon.

Simon

Maybe you could draw some pubes on with a marker pen.

Will

(sarcastic) Oh, okay, good idea. And after that, maybe I’ll draw a six-pack on my stomach! Or a longer cock!

Simon

Or what about wearing a wig down there?

Will

(exasperatedly sarcastic) Oh, good idea(!) A cock wig!

Simon

Hang on a minute, have you had your left ear pierced?

Jay

Yes.

Simon

Isn’t that the ear you get pierced to say you’re gay?

Jay

Well, there’s a quick way to find out, Neil, which ear’s your Dad got pierced?

Neil

Neither, cos he’s not bent!

Simon

Of course not. Will, which ear’s the gay one?

Will

Oh, I’m the last person to ask.

Neil

I thought you knew everything?

Will

Well, I don’t know any boys who’ve had their ears pierced… because I went to a private school.

Is that David Beckham?

Simon

(who had been practicing catwalking in the conservatory) You spying on me?! Is that it?! Is that how you get your kicks?!

You look good.

Simon

Fuck off! I’m going out.

Your not going out now you’ve got school tomorrow.

Yeah, run away at the weekend when you’ve got your car back.

Simon

Well, I’m not spending another minute in this house with you UTTER TWATS!!!

Where you going, Paris or Milan?

Simon

FUCK OFF!

I suppose you thought that was funny.

Simon

Sir, no, honest.

Well, there’s nothing funny about testicles, Cooper. As you’ll discover tomorrow morning in my office.

Will

(Perturbed) Sorry, sir, that sounded a bit wrong.

No it didn’t. See you tomorrow.

Will

(voiceover) It was the night of Simon’s date with Tara, and to make the occasion, he’d dressed like a dick.

Will

Are you actually gonna wear that?

Simon

Yes.

Will

Interesting.

Simon

Look, if I’m gonna get a girlfriend, I’m gonna have to try and different plan than the one I had for Carli.

Will

Oh, was there a plan with Carli? I thought you just lurched from one disaster to another.

Simon

Yeah. Well, I know what I need to do with Tara. Just pretend to be someone I’m not, that I go to gigs, wear hats, and most importantly, sort out D-R-U-G-S.

Will

Shh! My mum’s in.

Simon

So?

Will

She can spell.

Ooh. You two look very smart. Where are you off to?

Will

Oh, um, we’re just going to pick up Neil. Then we’re going to a gig.

A gig? Wow. Yeah, I remember my first gig. INXS, Hammersmith Odeon. One of the band members went off stage, then came back on a skateboard. We all screamed. Yeah, looking back, I’m not sure why he did it.

Will

Heh. We’re going to go now.

Well, have fun, and if anyone does offer you any D-R-U-G-S, be careful.

Will

What?

I overheard you. Oh, it’s okay, petal. I know boys will be boys, but I can trust YOU to do the responsible thing. Very lucky to have you, because you’re so boring.

Will

Boring?

Well, not boring. Just scared of things.

Will

Scared?

Sensible. That’s the word I’m looking for. Sensible. You’re very sensible, so I don’t have to worry about you as much. Because you’re so scared.

Will

Thanks, Mum.

You lot seem very quiet tonight.

Simon

Yeah, well, it’s better than hearing non-stop bullshit

Language. What’s that on your head, Simon?

Simon

(Sarcastically) Oh, I don’t know, Dad. Oh, yeah, it’s a hat. Obviously. God!

Looks bloody stupid.

Will

We tried to tell him.

You look like a butcher.

Simon

Pete Doherty wears them, actually.

Pete Doherty’s butcher wears them.

Simon

Oh, I forgot you were a comedian as well as a cab driver.

Oi! I’m doing you a favour. Why are you wearing it anyway? You’ve never worn anything like that before.

Neil

He’s meeting a bird.

Simon

Neil!

Knew it. You’ve got that look in your eye.

Simon

What?

Sort of an animal look. I’ve seen it when you watch TV sometimes, X Factor and that.

Jay

What, when he sees Louis Walsh?

Simon

Funny.

No, thankfully Cheryl Cole. If his mum’s in the room, he has to pop a pillow over his lap.

Jay

Yeah, I got a blowjob when I was eleven off the cleaner.

Will

Who was your cleaner, Gary Glitter?

Neil

Was it good?

Jay

Yeah, amazing. I pissed right in her mouth.

Simon

What? Why would you do that?

Jay

That’s how you finish blowjobs!

Will

Christ.

Jay

And she said I was the best she’d ever had!

Simon

Through mouthfuls of piss.

Will

Before she had to get on with the hoovering.

Jay

I dunno what your problem is, I’ve never been out with a girl I liked anyway.

Will

Except for the last one, who made you cry.

Simon

Will!

Neil

Oh, mate, that is well out of order.

Will

(Incredulously) What?! After all he’s said to us?!

Simon

Yeah, well some things just aren’t okay. (To Jay) You alright, mate?

Jay

(Looking at the floor) Yeah, I’m fine.

Simon

(To Will, sternly) Apologise.

Will

It wouldn’t be right

Simon

She’s offering to put your penis in Her mouth, not paying you to lie in Parliament

I don’t like the idea of you having sex at all, but at least I know you’re doing it somewhere comfortable.

Simon

Oh, of course, only in her vagina.

I meant in my room.

Simon

…So did I?

Jay

Why’d you say vagina then?

Jay

(pretending to be Simon) Oh look at me I’ve got a girlfriend and I love going round hers and listening to her shit music and laughing at her shit jokes and pretending she is fit when she isn’t.

Simon

Who isn’t that fit?

Jay

Your mum.

Simon

(about the dinner lady) That stupid ugly bitch just ruined it for me with Carli!!

Jay

Why, has she been controlling your personality for the last eighteen years?