TTed
Good night, Blanche.
Well, what's your hurry? Come on in for a nightcap.
TTed
Oh, I don't want to put you out.
Well, I like to put out. ... I mean, it's no trouble.
S3 E8Brotherly Love
[interrupting Blanche's attempts to seduce Ted] Don't mind me. The Best of Carson is comin' on.
In here?!!
No, Blanche, in Hollywood, but they pipe it through these little wires and it comes out here.
TTed
I really have to say goodnight now. Thanks for everything.
Why? You didn't get everything.
S3 E9A Visit from Little Sven
Rose tells us you're gettin' married.
SSven
Yes, and I hope I'm good at it. I don't have that much experience vith vomen.
A big, strong, handsome thing like you? Get out of here!
SSven
Vell, it vas nice meeting all of you. [runs out front door]
[following Sven] It was an expression, Sven!
[to Dorothy] You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I think Rose got the brains in that family.
[explaining what happened with Sven] I did kiss him, but it was just pretend. We were having lunch at Fairview Gardens when Floyd McAllen walked in with another woman, so I pretended Swen was my boyfriend just to make Floyd jealous.
Did you explain any of this to Sven?
I assumed he knew!
Blanche, how could you assume anything?! The man offered to kill dinner for us last night!
Maybe I made a mistake, but I don't think I did anything so terrible!
Well, I do! There is a sweet, innocent man in there whose heart is gonna get broken because you decided to use him in one of your little petty games.
Rose, that's only one side of it. Look at the other side - he did get to kiss me!
Big deal. More people get to kiss you than the Pope's ring!
I got caught up at work and I barely had time to pick up this cake. I wanted to make Sven feel welcome.
Rose! That cake is from the Get It While It's Hot Erotic Bake Shop!
[opening up the cake box and then quickly closing it] WHOA!!!!!
Why, Rose Nylund, why, that cake is in the shape of...
Blanche, we know what it is.
I thought it was in the shape of Florida!
That reminds me...I wanna give Charlie Milbourne a call.
If this cake reminds you of Charlie Milbourne we can both give him a call!
S3 E10The Audit
$5000...we don't have that kind of money!
IAIRS Auditor
Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.
Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it!
IAIRS Auditor
I expect you each to cough up $2500 in 30 days.
What if we can't!
IAIRS Auditor
We'll just have to put a lien on your bank accounts, your property, and your salaries, and if THAT doesn't work, we'll just have to incarcerate you.
Oh my God. We're going to jail! [breaks down in tears]
That's right Stanley, and please, let me know where you and Bubba register for your china. [slaps him on the back and storms out]
Still worried about the money you owe the government?
Oh no, Blanche, I'm worried about whether Michael Jackson will be able to buy the remains of the Elephant Man.
Really? Gee, I'd be worried about the money.
Let me tell you girls the three most important things I've learned about life. Number one, hold fast to your friends. Number two, there's no such thing as security. Number three, don't go see Ishtar. Woof! [makes face]
[on why she's excited about taking a night-school Spanish class with Rose] Men go to night school - smart men. And nothing turns me on more than a smart man. Unless it's a stupid man with good hands.
You know that promotion I'm up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.
Oh, honey, don't do that! No job is worth having to date women!
Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person who speaks more than one language.
[laughing] Oh! Why'd I think it was something sexual?
S3 E11Three On a Couch
The REAL problem is you, Blanche. You are selfish.
Oh, please! Everybody always says what a giving person I am!
She's talking about when you're in an upright position!
MMan
[in a flashback scene, responding to a personal ad of Dorothy's that Rose put in the newspaper] Dorothy?
Have we met?
MMan
Not yet. I'm here because of your ad in the paper, "Willing to do anything - $8 an hour, no job too big or small."
Yes, yes, of course, please come in. I'm sorry, I didn't expect people to actually come here, I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them.
MMan
That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop.
So tell me, what kind of work is it that you need done, Mr.---
MMan
Toto.
---Mr. Toto?
MMan
Oh, no "Mr.," just "Toto." You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.
Dorothy, you owe me an apology; your ad's right here. [points to newspaper]
Oh Rose, this is the Personals column!
So what?
So what? You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour?! Right under an ad that reads, "History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."
MMan
Is that signed "Doug"?
Yes.
MMan
I know him; he's a sick man.
[showing her visitor to the door] I'm terribly sorry for this mixup; goodbye.
[The man leaves, and a priest then walks up to the open door]
Oh my GOD, I don't believe this! I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you PERVERT!
[walks up carrying a large box and hands it to the bewildered-looking priest] Hi, Father Rossi! Here's the canned goods for the needy!
[mortified] Oh, no... [to Father Rossi] I'm terribly sorry. I promise that I will say Hail Marys until Madonna has a hit movie.
[Another man enters through the open door after the priest leaves and walks up to Rose]
M2Man #2
[to Rose] Hi! Here's my eight dollars! Let's get started, Dorothy!
Oh, I'm not Dorothy; she is.
M2Man #2
[to Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.
How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?!!
M2Man #2
Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars!
[Dorothy throws Man #2 out of the house. Enter Blanche]
Girls! Girls! There's a busload of Greek sailors out front! They want to know how many drachma there are in eight dollars!
My name is Sophia Petrillo and my idea of a good psychiatrist is a bartender who pours without a spout.
[A flashback scene. Blanche is trying to convince Dorothy, who is sick, to go on a double date the two had agreed on.]
Blanche, PLEASE! My body aches!
Well, so does mine, honey. That's why I wanna go on this date.
It is mind over matter. Now, Dorothy, you can get up off that couch! You're not sick anymore, Dorothy! You can... HEAL YOURSELF! WALK, DOROTHY, WALK!
Hey, just because you put your makeup on with a butter knife, doesn't make you Tammy Bakker.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.