[to Blanche] You know what I can't stand anymore? That phony accent of yours. What is this, Designing Women?
S3 E11Three On a Couch
Ma, another hot toddy? I think I've had enough!
Shut up and drink.
This is the fourth one! Ma, that's an awful lot of whiskey!
I only put whiskey in the first one.
Oh.
The second and third were vodka.
No wonder my head is spinning!
This one's part Amaretto, part Sambuca. That should kill everything. It killed your father.
[on Blanche] I think she's a gerchominochen!
DDoctor
Well, what exactly does that mean?
Literally, it's the precise moment when dog doo turns white.
[Pause, as Blanche is shown with a horrified and shocked look on her face.]
But in general, it refers to the kind of person you don't want to share your hodenkugels with.
Rose, if you say one more of those stupid words, so help me...
Oh, blow it out your tubenburbles!
[complaining about Dorothy] She wants everything to be just right. I'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear before we leave the house!
[to Blanche] Those of you who wear underwear.
[Blanche initially looks startled, then looks up at the psychiatrist and smiles]
[to Dr. Ashley] I knew you were a quack! If you were a legitimate shrink you would've strung us along for months!
[A flashback scene. Blanche and Rose have just crawled into Dorothy's bed, where Dorothy is studying for an exam. Enter Sophia]
Okay, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now!
The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is, we're scared.
Scared? Of what?
Now Dorothy, don't you laugh, but we're scared of the aliens.
Blanche, how many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"? They are the Chungs and they happen to be very nice.
They're not very nice, they eat dogs.
Ma, they do not eat dogs!
Right, it's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn.
Ma, you made that up.
Sophia, we're not talking about them anyway. We're talking about the aliens from outer space.
Oh, those aliens. GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!
Dorothy, now have a heart. Rose and I rented that movie Aliens, and it just scared us half to death!
It scared me too. That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup.
I don't have TIME for this now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning!
You mean you're kicking us out?
Rose, I have to study!
That's my Dorothy, always with her nose in a book. Unlike your brother Phil, who was always with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper.
I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded as to cast out your two dearest friends in this their time of need!
And I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate that you would disturb me with something this ridiculous when you know how important my exam is. If I don't pass it, I don't get my raise!
That's it, everybody out!
Sophia, we're scared!
I'm scared too, that we won't be able to afford meat on the table! You want to wind up swapping recipes with the Chungs? Out! Out!
Sophia, are you busy?
Nah, I'm just drawing a line on the milk of magnesia bottle.
Why?
I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips!
I have a problem.
All right. Take a sip, I'll draw another line.
No, no, it's not that . . . my boss at the center made a pass at me!
Maybe you misunderstood; what exactly did he do?
He called me in his office and threw me down on the couch and kissed me!
That's a pass . . . okay, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose. Picture it--Sicily, 1922.
[rushes in] Sophia, I have a problem! I just saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman! Now, what do you think I oughta do?
I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922. (Blanche sits) It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. It was Sicily, 1922.
[enters] Ma, I have a problem.
Just sit down and listen! First of all, is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment!?
Yes.
Then for the last time, PICTURE IT! Sicily, 1922! A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen . . . except hers moved when she skipped! She comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls Royce pulls up and blocks her path!
Ohhh! Who was in the Rolls?
It doesn't matter, it's not important to the story. Anyway, the Rolls Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.
What happened to it, Sophia?
Bambi ate it; how should I know?! You keep missing the point; the point is she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table! She gets hysterical; she starts to run. She runs through the fields, the meadow, over the hill--until she comes to a raging river FILLED with pepperoni swimming upstream!
Ma, pepperoni swimming upstream?
Yeah, I know, it's odd--pepperoni is a land meat. But there it was! She wades into the river, grabs an armful, and races home to feed her family. When she tells them the story, they think it's an act of God! But as it turns out a disgruntled pepperoni stuffer had blown up the factory in a neighboring town causing pepperoni to rain down over a hundred square miles--which is where the old Sicilian saying 'It's raining cats and pepperoni' comes from!
[Blanche, Rose and Dorothy all nod]
Is this helping anyone yet; cause this sure feels like an ending to me.
Oh, it's helping me Sophia--what I got out of the story was that you should take a bad situation and make it better! [jumps up] I'm gonna tell my boss off! [rushes out]
That's not quite what I got out of it Sophia, I thought you were trying to tell me to dump my cheating boyfriend because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea!
Yeah...that's exactly what I was trying to tell you.
Thank you Sophia. [Blanche leaves]
What about you, Dorothy, did I help you with your problem?
You sure did, Ma, I didn't know what to have for dinner. How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?
Sure, you buying?
Does a pepperoni swim upstream?
It did once, let's go!
S3 E12Charlie's Buddy
[upon seeing that she and Dorothy have purchased the exact same dress] It can't be!
Hey, don't panic. Get one for Rose and you can go as The Pointer Sisters.
Dorothy, this is crazy! Since when do you care how you look?
I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed!
This dress looks sensational on me; people expect to see me in a sensational dress!
And what do they expect to see me in, a yarmulke and a Hefty Bag?
Dorothy, it deserves to be displayed on a devastatingly beautiful body!
Who you gonna to send it to, Kim Basinger?
And what is that supposed to mean?
Why don't you think about it while you're inhaling your next cheesecake?
[Dorothy walks out]
How dare she imply that I overeat! Makes me so mad... [she goes to the cupboard and opens it] Oh darn, we're out of Chips Ahoy.
BBuddy
Rose Nylund?
No, and if I start acting like her, pull the plug!
Hey girls! How do you like this spiffy little number? [walks into the living room to reveal that she is wearing the same dress that Blanche purchased]
Sophia, that's the same dress I got!
Well, now you know how it should look.
Well, I was, but as it turned out nothing fit me.
What did you expect, Blanche? Last weekend you ate so many pudding pops you could have built the Eiffel Tower from the sticks.
That is not what I meant. I meant everything just hangs on me.
Of course it does! That's why you have to cover it with a dress
S3 E13The Artist
Who's Laszlo?
He's a Hungarian sculptor we've all been posing nude for.
[looking chagrined] In the future, a simple "None of your business, Sophia" will suffice!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.