The Golden Girls · Season 3
[examining photo in newspaper of Gil Kessler's alleged "mistress"] Wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress!
And those look like Blanche's red shoes!
And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?
That little floozy stole Blanche's clothes!!!
It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen.
[walks up to Blanche holding newspaper] Blanche, it's YOU!
Oh, you're gettin' so good at that, Rose. [points at Dorothy] Now who's that over there?
Look at this picture of Kessler, Dorothy. There's a secret behind those eyes. Trust my hunch on this one, I'm never wrong.
Oh, come on. Ma, remember your hunch about your nephew Angelo? You said one day he'd be pope!
Dorothy, you gotta pay attention! I said one day he'd sell dope! What do you think he went to Attica for? The volleyball program?
Dorothy, quick, turn on the television. Gil's press conference is about to start.
Gosh, I'm nervous. I hope they're not too hard on him.
Well, I wouldn't be too sure of that. Look at all of those reporters.
Yeah! There's Charlie Thompson, and Fred Leone, and Mike Devlin!
[All of the girls give Blanche a funny look]
I had lunch at the Press Club once.
Only once? Gosh, it took me two years to learn everybody's name on Eight is Enough!
[answers the telephone]) Hello. Yes, this is Blanche Devereaux. Yes, that Blanche Devereaux, and no, I did not! Absolutely not! I will tell it to a judge! I will yell it from the highest mountaintops! I will swear to it on a stack of Bibles! [hangs up telephone] Now did that sound like a liar?
No. It sounded like Jim and Tammy Faye on Nightline!
I'm still confused about the operation that Gil Kessler had. Is the man asleep during it?
I think so.
And what about the parts they put on? Do they test them first?
Of course, Rose. You know, like windshield wipers.
So they work?
I assume so, yes.
[Brief pause] ...What are they made of?
[irritated] Silly Putty, Rose!
I don't normally speak to people who call me a liar.
Oh come on Blanche, we're in public now. There's no reason to be hostile.
Oh, yes there is. I don't like you.
And horizontal stripes make you look like Roger Ebert!
Drink this. It's a secret potion from the old country, guaranteed to put you to sleep.
Looks like milk.
Trust me, Rose. Drink it, slowly. That's right, down the hatch. [unbeknownst to Rose, Sophia takes a saucepan from the cupboard] We call this Sicilian Sominex. Now, you might feel a slight tingling. But believe me, you'll sleep like a baby. [walks up to Rose from behind and raises saucepan]
I don't feel any tingling. When's it going to hit me?
[Blanche walks in]
Sophia! What are you doin'?
[Freezes with the saucepan in her hand] ...I was making a souffle, and it got away from me!
[after Sophia opens the door] Hi Sophia. I have a surprise for Dorothy!
What? Now that you're off the blood pressure medicine its working again?
Hello Mrs. Petrillo. I'm Stan's brother, Ted. You remember? We danced together at the wedding?
Where were you when they got divorced? I was looking for someone to dance with then.
Floozy.
Tramp.
I, I am a tramp? Blanche, have you heard the latest ad campaigns? "Join the Navy, see the world, sleep with Blanche Devereaux!" "Join the Army, be all you can be and sleep with Blanche Devereaux!" [raising voice] The Marines are looking for a few good men who have NOT slept with Blanche Devereaux!
Where did you come from?
Oh, I was hiding behind the drapes.
What is this, Hamlet?
So Blanche, is Ted over here?
What?
Oh I get it, he's in the shower.
Stanley, your brother isn't here.
Come on Blanche. Did you get it with Ted?
What?
You know. Cha-cha-cha, tango,tango,ole, ole
Nobody here speaks Spanish Stan.
Oh I got it, right, I can play dumb.
Play, you could manage the team.
[taking microphone at restaurant] Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your attention please? The gentleman at table five, in the blue suit [meaning Ted], is impotent. Bon appetit.
Ted, what a surprise!
It's great to see you again.
What about me, babe?
Go hug a landmine.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
