The Golden Girls · Season 6
What is taking so long? It's been hours.
It took me three and a half days to have Dorothy. [pause] I finally coaxed her out with a pork chop.
You know, Ma, you're really making me feel very bad. You keep telling me how hard it was to have me and how long it took.
Did I mention the colic?
Ma, you're hurting my feelings.
Not as much as you hurt my oonie.
[looks around in embarrassment] MA!
Oh, it doesn’t matter what your parents want, Rose, you’re never going to make them happy. They’re just gonna nag you and nag you until you want to grab their throats and choke 'em, but you don’t because you’re in a hospital with resuscitating equipment!!!
[looking unamused, though knowing that she was targeted] In other words, Rose, hang up the skates.
Oh Sophia, Big-Foot... thank you! I mean, you’re terrific! You made me realize you don’t have to please your parents. I don’t know how I can thank you. No more ice-skating! And I’m not gonna go over Niagara Falls in a barrel!
No, Rose, that you should do.
[screaming from labor pains] Oh... ohh... ohhh... YIKES!
[knocks on wall behind her head] Blanche, cut it out. I'm trying to get some sleep.
I'm going to have my baby in a natural birthing center with no painkillers.
Becky, honey, I told you where babies come from, did I ever mention where they come out?
Becky, wouldn't you rather have your baby in a place with less stereo and more...
(woman in labor down the hall screams)
Morphine?
Why is she screaming?
She's conscious.
(enters the bedroom and waking Dorothy) Dorothy, I was just wondering what being in labor feels like.
Well, how do you feel?
(serious) If I had any military secrets, I'd talk.
Showtime!
[Comes into the room while Rebecca is in labor] Am I crazy or did I hear screaming?
Yes and yes! It's Becky, she's having the baby.
I'll put on some corn.
Call the county hospital, tell them we'll be there in about 20 minutes.
And call the coach, the number's by the phone.
Fine, is there anything you want me to do?
Call the hospital, call the coach.
[Comes in] What's going on?
Something about a baby.
I've found my father! My natural father!
He's alive?
He's in Miami?
He's an earthling?
Dorothy, wait up you just walk so fast.
I'm in a hurry!
It's not sexy. [Dorothy looks at her] It's not. A woman should take tiny delicate steps as if to say "Yes, I may be slower than you, but maybe I'm worth waiting for."
Blanche, my mother is missing, it's the middle of the night, you have to excuse me if I don't have the rolling gait of a nymphomaniac.
Hi, Rose, how's it goin'?
[holding up a sock puppet and speaking in a high-pitched voice] Hi, Blanche!
God, I hate mornin' people.
Ever since I started working as a candy striper I've been giving all my patients the Traditional St. Olaf Fun Pack. Each one has a pack of gum, a bar of soap, and sock puppets. I like to pretend one of them's you and one of them's Dorothy. [mimicking Blanche in a high-pitched Southern accent] "Hi, Dorothy, how do you feel?"
[The real Dorothy comes up behind Rose and smiles as she observes Rose's "show."]
[mimicking Dorothy in a deep voice] "Oh, woe is me, I can't get a date. Nobody asks me out. Woe is me, woe..."
[The smile on Dorothy's face quickly fades, and she smacks Rose on the top of the head with the newspaper she is holding.]
[swatting puppet] BAD puppet!
[about Sophia] Have you found her?
Yes Blanche, about a half hour ago, but now I've hidden her again so you can find her.
[checking in Sophia] Name?
Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People! [Rose writes this down on her clipboard]
Rose, I don't think you are up to this.
Now, where were we?
Name.
Rose Nylund.
[to hospital worker, thinking she's in heaven] Who are you? Are you an angel?
I'm the guy that shaves everybody.
Amazing, that's not even mentioned in the Bible!
Rose, maybe you could help. We're searching the whole hospital. We can't find my mother.
Maybe she's lost!
Oh, I can't believe, you know, the last words I said to her were "Shut up, Zulu"!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
