Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

[on Dorothy's good mood] If I know my Dorothy, there's only one thing that makes her this happy.

Rose

You're going back to Shady Pines?

Sophia

No, you moron, she has a date!

Dorothy

Ma, what you're doing?

Sophia

This is for sandbags Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-coming!

Dorothy

A-coming?

Sophia

That's right! People only use the A when a really big storm is a-coming or a-brewing, so grab a sack and start a-shoveling!

Dorothy

Ma, the weather report said nothing about a hurricane.

Sophia

Ida Pearlberg down at the senior centre woke up this morning with a leg cramp. Need I say more?

Dorothy

YES!

Sophia

Dorothy, when you get around my age two things happen. 1. you get more intuitive about the weather and 2. corn becomes your enemy!

Dorothy

Ma, even if there is a hurricane A-coming...

Sophia

Don't patronize me!

Dorothy

I'm not patronizing you, I'm A-mocking you!

Dorothy

Look Ma, if there is a hurricane coming it's not gonna get here for a while so come on, sit down and relax.

Rose

[running a telethon by herself with only Blanche to man the phones] While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head on over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled "I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There." [plays a piano intro, then sings] Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, Oh what the hell is that...

Blanche

Rose, we just got a pledge for twenty dollars.

Rose

Oh! Let's go to the tote board. Drum roll! [grabs drum sticks and plays a roll, then hits the cymbal. $20 comes up on the tote board.] We're off to a good start. OK, now where was I? Oh, yes! Where Hans first spots the hair. Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa...

Blanche

Rose! Rose, I just got a pledge for fifty dollars if you will stop singing.

Sophia

[over the phone to Blanche] That's right. Fifty bucks if she stops singing, and I'll throw in another fifty if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.

Blanche

It was hard enough lettin' go when Grammy died. The family had to sell Grandview and it got turned into an ol' bed and breakfast, but at least I could visit.

Sophia

And have breakfast.

Blanche

Thank you, Sophia.

Sophia

Pancakes by the looks of it.

Blanche

Thank you, Sophia!

Dorothy

Ma, I cannot BELIEVE what you were doing on the Interstate.

Sophia

I was living for the day, pussycat.

Dorothy

YOU WERE MOONING A CHAIN GANG!

Sophia

And did you see the looks on their faces?! They probably hadn't seen a woman in years!

Dorothy

I guess you're right; they kept up with us through four warning shots.

Sophia

[dictating her will to Rose] I, Sophia Petrillo, being of sound mind and body, do hereby leave my daughter, Dorothy Zbornak... [grins] NOTHING!

Rose

Sophia!

Sophia

It's a joke, I'm kidding. Like when I said, "Sound mind and body."

Rose

Sophia, wills are no joking matter! Charlie tried to be funny with his and left everything to Henrietta, our prize cow. Well, some lawyer got a hold of the will and represented Henrietta on contingency! There I was, presenting my side to a jury of her peers! It took over six months to get the farm back!

Sophia

What a terrible story.

Sophia

[annoyed] I mean it - it's a terrible story! [calmer] But you must have been relieved when you won.

Rose

Oh yeah, we celebrated. With a big, thick steak.

Dorothy

Ma, what are you doing up?

Sophia

Disappointed, huh? If I'm up that means I'm alive, and if I'm alive it means you can't get your hands on my money.

Dorothy

What are you talking about?

Sophia

You know about the will. You know if I die you'll be on easy street. What did you do, Dorothy, slip cyanide into my mouthwash? Ha ha, the joke's on you, I don't use it.

Dorothy

Oh Ma, come on, you're just being silly. [pours a cup of tea] Here, have some tea. [gets a mysterious, sinister expression on her face] It'll relax you.

Sophia

Nice try, Dorothy. Rose, you taste it.

Dorothy

Rose, DON'T!!! ... [calmer] That tea was for my mommy.

Sophia

You try to do right by your kids, and you end up as the lead story on Hard Copy!

Sophia

As you know, my child, I'm getting on in years and I've decided it's time for me to settle my estate.

Dorothy

What estate, your loofah sponge and bus pass?

Sophia

Don't forget the four gold teeth from when your father worked at the funeral parlor. "Perks" he called them. That's the kind of stock you come from, Dorothy.

Dorothy

I come from graverobbers?

Sophia

Dorothy, Rose is helping me make out an ironclad will.

Dorothy

Wait, you're using Rose as a lawyer?!

Rose

I know what I'm doing! Every Thursday I watch La Law.

Dorothy

That's "L.A. Law!"

Rose

I wondered why Susan Dey didn't have a French accent!

Sophia

Miles, I'm glad you're here, I need to talk to you --

Miles

Later.

Sophia

Rose, this is really important --

Rose

Maybe later, Sophia.

Sophia

Dorothy, I can't breathe!

Dorothy

Not now, Ma! [pauses] Alright, but this better be important.

Sophia

It depends. How important is...[shows Dorothy the ring] ...the Pope's ring?

Dorothy

[looking at the ring] Alright, Ma, squirt me in the face and get it over with.

Rose

[on meeting the Pope ] He had the most beautiful blue eyes!

Sophia

Yeah, all the cute guys are either married or Popes.

Sophia

You know how hard it is to make out with a guy when his sister's sitting next to you?

Boy, do I ever.

Blanche

[to Rose] Now, you stop that, you just stop that!

Sophia

I'm looking through the personals to find myself a man. Remember what that is, Dorothy? It's an animal, kind of like a woman, except that it's got a...

Dorothy

MA! I know what a man is! But I tell you, I would never look for one through the personals. And you know why? Because I have standards, I have intelligence, I have class. And you know what else I have?

Sophia

It's not self-awareness, that's for damn sure. Hey, listen to this: "Older gentleman seeks lady of refinement. I like moonlit nights, romantic Italian dinners, and waking up in the morning. If you're old enough to remember when Sinatra was skinny, please send letter and photo." This is the one, he's perfect! I've found myself a man!

Sophia

[immediately after Marvin confesses that he and Sarah are husband and wife, not brother and sister] Dorothy, you can come in now.

Dorothy

I thought the two of you would like some nice cold lemonade.

Sophia

Marvin is married to Sarah.

Dorothy

[pauses, to Marvin] You don't get any lemonade.

Rose

[upset because she can't remember Thor] Boy, it's finally beginning to happen. I'm getting old and forgetting things, forgetting people who at one time were important to me.

Sophia

Don't be ridiculous, you're as mentally fit as you ever were. We all are.

Rose

Oh, thank you... [stares at Sophia for a few seconds with a blank look on her face]

Sophia

Sophia!

Rose

Sophia.

Sophia

You're welcome...

Rose

Rose.

Sophia

Rose.

Dorothy

Any wonder we get nursing home brochures by the truckload?