Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

Oh, Blanche, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?

Blanche

I think it's okay as long as you've already had at least three dates.

Dorothy

I never belonged to a sorority. I was blackballed.

Rose

Oh, I think that is so cruel. The Alpha Yams didn't have blackballing. We believed that any girl who wanted to help her community and foster a feeling of sisterhood should be allowed to join.

Dorothy

That's very commendable.

Rose

As long as she could castrate a sheep.

Sophia

There was a service organization in Sicily with similar membership requirements, except that instead of a sheep, it usually involved a mayor from a neighboring town.

Dorothy

Ma...

Sophia

Hey, some of Italy's finest sopranos were former mayors.

Rose

[telling a St. Olaf story about a woman who had plastic surgery] Olga Fetchik was our town beautician, and one of God's most unattractive creations since the aardvark. Anyway, over the years, Olga had been secretly squirreling away money for plastic surgery. Well, one day she left without telling anyone, had the surgery, and didn't return for months. Well, nobody could believe their eyes - Olga Fetchik had turned into a stunning beauty! Every man in town wanted her, but she ended up marrying St. Olaf's most handsome and eligible bachelor, dance instructor Adolf Stepp. The two of them moved back to Norway, decided to get into show business, and they became the internationally renowed Scandinavian dance team of Stepp 'n' Fetchik.

Blanche

Rose, not that I care, but since you've already gone to so much trouble... just how did having plastic surgery ruin Olga's life?

Rose

Oh, it didn't ruin her life, it almost ruined St. Olaf. I mean, after she left, the town didn't have a professional beautician for years. Women started giving each other home perms - pretty soon everybody looked like Art Garfunkel. Husbands stopped sleeping with their wives, the population started to go down. Well, the town would have gone under if Oslo's most famous hairstylist, Vidal Sassbogadotter, hadn't relocated his shop in St. Olaf because of our more favorable tax laws! Now you see why I don't like plastic surgery?

Sophia

[screaming in pain] OW! WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?

Dorothy

Why should we be the only ones in pain?

Dorothy

Blanche, honey, how are you?

[mumbles something incomprehensible because of the bandages covering the mouth]

Rose

Oh, you're probably pretty uncomfortable right now, but in a few days you'll be feeling fine, Blanche.

[mumbles again]

Sophia

Can we get you anything?

[mumbles again, then lifts up the bedclothes...]

Dorothy

Whoa.

Sophia

I think you've got yourself one hell of a lawsuit there, Blanche!

Rose

Was this a last minute decision?

Dorothy

We're very sorry, sir.

Rose

Where are you going?

Sophia

The President is in town, so a bunch of us are going to his hotel to see his wife. I just loved her in Father Knows Best.

Rose

Sophia, you're a little confused, honey. That was Jane Wyatt, the President was married to Jane Wyman.

Sophia

That old crow from Falcon Crest ?

Rose

Well, it doesn't matter, they're not married anymore. Now he's married to Nancy Davis.

Sophia

From All About Eve?

Rose

That's Bette Davis.

Sophia

The one who beat her kids with wire hangers?

Rose

No, that was Joan Crawford.

Sophia

The fat cop from Highway Patrol?

Rose

[thinks] That was Broderick Crawford.

Sophia

The President was married to Broderick Crawford? And Mondale still lost, what an idiot!

Blanche

Rose, I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable having you work for me.

Sophia

I do. You wanna be my servant, Rose?

Rose

Blanche, I'm not talking about big things. I'm talking about little things, like doing your laundry.

Sophia

My laundry's more fun, Rose.

Rose

It's the only way I'll feel better about losing your earrings.

Sophia

Ever see panties from the '20's, Rose? They got pockets!

Dorothy

I can't see a thing.

Rose

What kind of a movie is this Dorothy?

[yelling] Rip his throat out!

Dorothy

It's a musical Rose.

Rose

I did learn that Baked Alaska can actually be baked locally.

Dorothy

Rose, I have an even bigger scoop for you. Mars Bars are made right here on earth.

Blanche

[on the charity banquet] I told the manager, if he let us have that room, I would persuade my sister to sing for free in his piano bar!

Rose

You mean your sister Virginia?

Blanche

No, I mean my sister, Miss Susan Anton!

Dorothy

Blanche, how could you tell such a lie?

Blanche

He didn't believe me for a minute! He told me I was much too attractive to be related to her. But he gave us the room anyhow because he said he liked my moxie!

Sophia

And I bet you liked showing it to him!

Rose

Blanche, sometimes you act just like a woman I knew in St. Olaf!

Sophia

Please, no one say "what woman?"

Rose

[describing a nightmare she had to Dorothy] I'm at the banquet. It looks beautiful, I look beautiful, everyone looks beautiful. Suddenly Charlton Heston walks in dressed like Moses, and he tries to part the dessert table. And when that doesn't work, he rounds up all the guests and leads them to the lingerie department of the nearest J.C. Penney's, where everybody starts making fun of the fat lady underwear. What do you suppose it means?

Dorothy

That you spent too many years sleeping on curlers.

Rose

You know, sometimes when people are under pressure, they sleep to escape.

Sophia

Dorothy's father used to do that. Unfortunately it was usually during foreplay.

Dorothy

Ma, the man is dead.

Sophia

Longer than you think.

Blanche

Rose, let's go watch I Love Lucy in the kitchen.

Rose

But that set is black and white!

Rose

You know, I'm still a little confused. Who exactly is Ricky?

Blanche

Lucy's husband.

Rose

I thought Desi was Lucy's husband.

Blanche

Not on the show.

Rose

Desi wasn't on the show?

Blanche

Desi played Ricky!

Rose

Who did Lucy play?

Blanche

Lucy.

Rose

I know, but who did she play?

Blanche

Lucy!

Rose

Right, but who did she play?

Blanche

Lucy played Lucy!

Rose

Well, then why didn't Desi play Desi?

Blanche

He wasn't tall enough.

Dorothy

[referring to her daughter and son-in-law in the kitchen] How long have they been in there?

Rose

Since Lucy went to Scotland!

Dorothy

That would make it over thirty years, Rose.