Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

[deep voice, pretending to be God] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now shut up and get into bed.

Rose

Amen! [gets into bed]

Blanche

Nice work, Dorothy.

Dorothy

Wasn't me.

Blanche

[starts to look worried] Sweet Jesus, am I in trouble! [begins to pray] Now I lay me down to sleep...

Rose

What are you doing?

Blanche

I am contouring my eyebrows. I use Miss Christie Brinkley as a guide because we have exactly the same bone structure. I just hope she doesn't let herself go to pot after that baby comes. I don't want that big-eyed husband of hers coming after me.

Rose

I never do very much with my eyebrows.

Blanche

That's why from the nose up, you look like Wilford Brimley.

Y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our trains leave early" right on the town seal.

Rose

You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?

No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first!

Blanche

This is like the Twilight Zone. Somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.

Blanche

Once upon a time there were three bears...

Rose

Not that one.

Blanche

Pigs?

Rose

No!

Blanche

[irritated] Elephants. And they lived with a little girl named Rose.

Rose

The elephants lived in the house?!

Blanche

They were elephant dolls. Every night when Rose went to bed, she'd take the three elephants with her, because they made her feel so safe and secure.

Rose

Elephant dolls???

Blanche

[sounding more and more irritated] Right, elephant dolls. Until finally one night they got so sick and tired of Rose annoying them that they went off to sleep someplace else, and two big ol' escaped convicts snuck in through the window and MURDERED ROSE IN HER SLEEP!!!!

Rose

Oh! [gets out of bed and flees into Blanche's closet]

Blanche

Rose! Oh Rose, grow up!

Rose

Dorothy, you didn't even taste my chipped beef.

Dorothy

Of course I did, Rose!

Rose

You didn't like it.

Dorothy

Oh, don't be ridiculous, I loved it.

Rose

[indicating the pile of untouched food on Dorothy's plate] Well, then have another bite.

Dorothy

[pauses for a second] Okay... [gingerly takes a forkful of the chipped beef, but just as she is about to open her mouth, there is a power failure and the kitchen goes pitch black]

Blanche

Oh no, the power lines must be down!

Sophia

That's just great. I've got ten pounds of fresh clams in the refrigerator.

Dorothy

Rose, that was delicious, oh, thank you.

Sophia

Who moved my purse? [struggles to lift her purse] And why does it feel so heavy?

Sophia

Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief.

Rose

Where was it?

Sophia

It was in my bra.

Rose

What was it doing in your bra?

Sophia

I was blowing my breasts, Rose.

Sophia

I got my lucky handkerchief, I can't lose!

Rose

Where'd you find it?

Sophia

In my bra.

Rose

In your bra? What was your lucky handkerchief doing in there?

Sophia

I was blowing my breasts, Rose.

Sophia

I stuffed it in to give me cleavage, to turn on the butcher so I could get a decent piece of veal.

Blanche

I will not have that filthy beast in my house! It belongs in a barnyard!

Rose

This is not a farm chicken. Count Bessie is a showbiz chicken! Wait'll you see this! [exits]

Blanche

[to Dorothy] A showbiz chicken. What she do, play the piano?

Rose

[re-enters with a mini-piano] She plays the piano!

Blanche

Sophia says she has no appetite since she was stabbed in the back.

Rose

Oh my God, who stabbed Sophia?!

Dorothy

The chef at Benihana, Rose.

Dorothy

[to Sophia and Angela] Gosh, you two made such a fantastic meal, I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.

Rose

I made dessert!

Blanche

Damn.

Rose

What'd you say, Blanche?

Blanche

"Yum," I said "yum."

Dorothy

Rose, is this another one of those Scandinavian Viking concoctions?

Rose

Yes! It's called Geneuckenfluegen Cake. It's an ancient recipe, but I Americanized it.

Dorothy

So one might say you brought "Geneuckenfluegen" into the '80s?

Rose

Yes, but I'm not one to blow my own greteugenfruegen.

Sophia

I can't even reach mine!

Blanche

Rose, honey, you've got to stop torturing yourself like this! Now Count Bessie is gone!

Rose

I know. It's just such a tragedy. Who cooks a musician at the height of her career?

Blanche

Rose, you've got to put this in perspective. Count Bessie was a chicken. It's not as if Angela had fried up Doc Severinsen!

Dorothy

[enters the kitchen] How are you doing, Rose?

Blanche

Not very good, Dorothy.

Dorothy

Oh, honey, now listen, you may not think so now, but in a few days, you'll feel better.

Rose

No, I won't. Because Mrs. Butell will be back by then. What am I supposed to say? "Welcome home! How was your trip? Oh, by the way..." [holds up Tupperware and starts to cry] "...here's Count Bessie!"

Rose

That's Sophia walking into the kitchen.

Sophia

I didn't know Fess Parker was in this picture.

Dorothy

Ma, what're you doing?

Sophia

I'm mugging for the camera.

Dorothy

You're mugging me! You're stealing out of my pocket!

Sophia

I'm checking to make sure you have the exact change for the bus... now I'm stealing.

Blanche

Oh my god, is that me?!

Rose

Oh, that's my fault, Blanche, I was out of focus.

Sophia

You're always out of focus.

Blanche

No, I look old, I look ancient, I look all wrinkled up and shriveled like a prune!

Sophia

It could be worse, she could look like Fess Parker.

Sophia

Dorothy, this could be my big break! With the exposure I get from Rose's movie, I could hawk my recipes all over the country!

Dorothy

Oh, come on Ma, that's ridiculous.

Sophia

Ahh no, if you wanna move your product, you gotta have exposure. All the great Italian chefs had it, Mama Celeste, Chef Boyardee, and Chef Valducci.

Rose

I don't remember Chef Valducci.

Sophia

Oh yeah, he didn't have television exposure, that was indecent exposure. He should have stuffed the cannelloni in the traditional manner.

Dorothy

Will you put that thing down. What do you think you're doing?

Rose

Well, I'm making a video for my class at the junior college.

Dorothy

Oh, really? Gee it sounds like fun.

Rose

Oh, I'm glad you think so, cause I want you to be one of the stars!

Dorothy

Oh, Rose, I don't think so! You know how uncomfortable I am in front of a camera. Besides I always come out looking like Fess Parker.

Rose

Don't worry. This is a documentary' it's okay if you're not good looking.