Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

Nils Feelander attempted to harass me repeatedly.

Blanche

What do you mean, he attempted to?

Rose

He worked at Lars Eriksson's Drugstore and Tackle Shop, he was the soda jerk. Now that I think about it, he was the town jerk. Every Saturday afternoon I'd go in and have a sundae. Well, Nils would arrange the ice cream scoops in an obscene way. I could never prove it, because by the time I would take it home to show my father, the evidence had...

Melted.

Rose

Yeah. To this day, every time I pass an ice cream parlor or a tackle shop, I blush!

Blanche

All right, I want an answer and I want it NOW! Which one of you has been dippin' into my Vicks Vapo-Rub?

Rose

I took it, and my chest was already completely coated. I did it out of spite because you lost the pre-measured cap off my Ny-Quil!

Dorothy

Rose, I took your stupid cup and you know why? Because I feel lousy and being mean to you makes me feel better!

Rose

Dorothy Zbornak, you can go straight to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks!

Dorothy

"Double Hockey Sticks"?

Blanche

Dorothy, where's my heatin' pad?

Dorothy

How should I know?

Blanche

Well, if this isn't it, I'd like to know what other electrical appliance you're using under that blanket.

Blanche

You really think selling candy is going to qualify you for that prestigious award?

Dorothy

Oh, excuse me. I didn't realize that slipping my tongue to half the firemen in the county was the more lofty social achievement!

Blanche

Oh, you don't have to worry about me, honey, I never get sick. I take very good care of myself. I treat my body like a temple.

Sophia

Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.

Blanche

[on why she isn't wearing the same green silk dress she wore to last year's banquet] I decided too many people would recognize it. It is such a stunnin' shade of green.

Sophia

The only thing they'll remember is the way you fall out of it!

Blanche

Sophia!

Sophia

If you asked people the color, half of them would say, "Flesh tones"!

Blanche

Sophia!!

Blanche

Must you do that?!

Rose

She can't help it Blanche, she has to blow her nose. Or is that a banana.

Rose

And nobody wants me around.

Blanche

Oh, honey, we want you around, we just can't afford to pay you!

Blanche

[after being awakened by the ringing phone] I'm as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo!

Dorothy

Boy, that's pretty jumpy.

Dorothy

Barry [Glick] was the man that I wanted to be the first.

Rose

First where?

Dorothy

On Mars, Rose! My first lover!

Blanche

Well, so what happened?

Dorothy

Stanley, that's what happened, Stanley. I went to a drive-in with Stanley. He said he was being shipped off to Korea, would probably die, and it would mean so much. That was my part of the war effort. It took three seconds. I wasn't sure that we had done anything, actually, until nine months later when the baby came. Then I figured out that we had. You know, that was my only proof.

Rose

(superior) I waited until my wedding night.

Blanche

You've probably haven't noticed it, but I've put on three pounds.

Sophia

On each side.

Dorothy

If I don't get at least six hours sleep, I look like Buddy Ebsen!

Blanche

[thinks] Now that you mention it-

Dorothy

Shut up, Blanche.

Blanche

Well, I certainly didn't wait for my wedding night, honey. I couldn't - I had these urges. You know, in the South, we mature faster. I think it's the heat.

Dorothy

I think it's the gin.

Blanche

You still watch television?

Lily

Well, I don't exactly watch it. I just pretend it's radio.

Sophia

[about television] We don't exactly watch it either, with our crummy TV. We get two channels at once. For a while there I thought Benson was having an affair with Miss Ellie.

Blanche

[telling a story about "guilt"] Just about the time that George and I were getting serious, he was shipped off to Korea. Well, I wanted to do my part for the war effort so I took a job in a factory that made canteens. I figured that one of the canteens that I had riveted would find its way to George, and his lips would drink from the galvanized spout I had so lovingly fashioned, thereby symbolically reuniting us.

Rose

Blanche, that's a beautiful reason to take that job.

Blanche

Well, that wasn't the only reason. That factory also had a comprehensive dental plan, and I was in desperate need of a bridge and two crowns.

Dorothy

War is hell.

Blanche

So were my teeth. Anyway, while I was working on the assembly line, I met a young man named Andrew Beandorf. Oh, it was just a platonic thing, we just went out to the movies and dinner, but when George came home on leave, he was furious. He accused me unjustly of infidelity, while he was off fightin' in some foreign land, some God-forsaken land where people didn't even believe in Jesus, and he forbade me ever to see Andrew again. So of course I didn't.

Dorothy

So you lost a good friend, just because George made you feel guilty about it.

Blanche

That's right. I lost a good friend, and a wonderful companion, and an excellent lover!

Rose

An excellent lover???

Blanche

[laughing] Did I say excellent lover? I meant excellent riveter.

Dorothy

I can understand how you could confuse the two.