Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

Dorothy, this could be my big break! With the exposure I get from Rose's movie, I could hawk my recipes all over the country!

Dorothy

Oh, come on Ma, that's ridiculous.

Sophia

Ahh no, if you wanna move your product, you gotta have exposure. All the great Italian chefs had it, Mama Celeste, Chef Boyardee, and Chef Valducci.

Rose

I don't remember Chef Valducci.

Sophia

Oh yeah, he didn't have television exposure, that was indecent exposure. He should have stuffed the cannelloni in the traditional manner.

Dorothy

Will you put that thing down. What do you think you're doing?

Rose

Well, I'm making a video for my class at the junior college.

Dorothy

Oh, really? Gee it sounds like fun.

Rose

Oh, I'm glad you think so, cause I want you to be one of the stars!

Dorothy

Oh, Rose, I don't think so! You know how uncomfortable I am in front of a camera. Besides I always come out looking like Fess Parker.

Rose

Don't worry. This is a documentary' it's okay if you're not good looking.

Dorothy

I never belonged to a sorority. I was blackballed.

Rose

Oh, I think that is so cruel. The Alpha Yams didn't have blackballing. We believed that any girl who wanted to help her community and foster a feeling of sisterhood should be allowed to join.

Dorothy

That's very commendable.

Rose

As long as she could castrate a sheep.

Sophia

There was a service organization in Sicily with similar membership requirements, except that instead of a sheep, it usually involved a mayor from a neighboring town.

Dorothy

Ma...

Sophia

Hey, some of Italy's finest sopranos were former mayors.

Rose

[telling a St. Olaf story about a woman who had plastic surgery] Olga Fetchik was our town beautician, and one of God's most unattractive creations since the aardvark. Anyway, over the years, Olga had been secretly squirreling away money for plastic surgery. Well, one day she left without telling anyone, had the surgery, and didn't return for months. Well, nobody could believe their eyes - Olga Fetchik had turned into a stunning beauty! Every man in town wanted her, but she ended up marrying St. Olaf's most handsome and eligible bachelor, dance instructor Adolf Stepp. The two of them moved back to Norway, decided to get into show business, and they became the internationally renowed Scandinavian dance team of Stepp 'n' Fetchik.

Blanche

Rose, not that I care, but since you've already gone to so much trouble... just how did having plastic surgery ruin Olga's life?

Rose

Oh, it didn't ruin her life, it almost ruined St. Olaf. I mean, after she left, the town didn't have a professional beautician for years. Women started giving each other home perms - pretty soon everybody looked like Art Garfunkel. Husbands stopped sleeping with their wives, the population started to go down. Well, the town would have gone under if Oslo's most famous hairstylist, Vidal Sassbogadotter, hadn't relocated his shop in St. Olaf because of our more favorable tax laws! Now you see why I don't like plastic surgery?

Sophia

[screaming in pain] OW! WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?

Dorothy

Why should we be the only ones in pain?

Dorothy

Blanche, honey, how are you?

[mumbles something incomprehensible because of the bandages covering the mouth]

Rose

Oh, you're probably pretty uncomfortable right now, but in a few days you'll be feeling fine, Blanche.

[mumbles again]

Sophia

Can we get you anything?

[mumbles again, then lifts up the bedclothes...]

Dorothy

Whoa.

Sophia

I think you've got yourself one hell of a lawsuit there, Blanche!

Rose

Was this a last minute decision?

Dorothy

We're very sorry, sir.

Dorothy

I can't see a thing.

Rose

What kind of a movie is this Dorothy?

[yelling] Rip his throat out!

Dorothy

It's a musical Rose.

Dorothy

Ma, you can't sleep either?

Sophia

No, I'm sleeping so good I thought I'd come try it in the sink.

Rose

I did learn that Baked Alaska can actually be baked locally.

Dorothy

Rose, I have an even bigger scoop for you. Mars Bars are made right here on earth.

Blanche

[on the charity banquet] I told the manager, if he let us have that room, I would persuade my sister to sing for free in his piano bar!

Rose

You mean your sister Virginia?

Blanche

No, I mean my sister, Miss Susan Anton!

Dorothy

Blanche, how could you tell such a lie?

Blanche

He didn't believe me for a minute! He told me I was much too attractive to be related to her. But he gave us the room anyhow because he said he liked my moxie!

Sophia

And I bet you liked showing it to him!

Rose

[describing a nightmare she had to Dorothy] I'm at the banquet. It looks beautiful, I look beautiful, everyone looks beautiful. Suddenly Charlton Heston walks in dressed like Moses, and he tries to part the dessert table. And when that doesn't work, he rounds up all the guests and leads them to the lingerie department of the nearest J.C. Penney's, where everybody starts making fun of the fat lady underwear. What do you suppose it means?

Dorothy

That you spent too many years sleeping on curlers.

Rose

You know, sometimes when people are under pressure, they sleep to escape.

Sophia

Dorothy's father used to do that. Unfortunately it was usually during foreplay.

Dorothy

Ma, the man is dead.

Sophia

Longer than you think.

Blanche

[on the difference between Jake and her "ideal" man] But I'm not going to let that discourage me from finding my Mr. Right, and I'm not going to compromise my standards either. I am simply going to look high and low, far and wide, and never lose heart, for I know one day my prince will come. [leaves]

Dorothy

Now what was that supposed to mean?

Sophia

I wasn't paying close attention, but from what I could make of it she's going to sleep with that little black guy Prince.

Dorothy

[referring to her daughter and son-in-law in the kitchen] How long have they been in there?

Rose

Since Lucy went to Scotland!

Dorothy

That would make it over thirty years, Rose.

Dorothy

Oh, I remember when Stanley told me he was having an affair. It was at least 24 hours before I cut the crotches out of all his slacks.

Blanche

You didn't!

Dorothy

I was teaching English Lit at the time. Symbolism was my life.

Dorothy

Oh, I don't know. Two policemen living in our house?

Blanche

So what's that to be afraid of, Dorothy? Once you strip away the gruff exterior, the badge, the gun, the uniform-

Dorothy

You've got a naked policeman.

Blanche

Exactly.