Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

You're absolutely right Dorothy. And I'll tell you something else. A mother sometimes needs her children even more.

Dorothy

Thank you, Ma. That's very sweet.

Sophia

Give me twenty dollars.

Dorothy

No.

Sophia

Rose, did I say a mother needs her child? I meant roommate. Give me twenty dollars.

Rose

What for?

Sophia

Seoul, Korea, 1988, the Olympics. I'd like to be there competing for the USA. Contribute now and I'll make sure you get a Sophia lapel pin.

Rose

[goes into her purse and gets Sophia the money] Okay. Good luck, we'll be watching.

Sophia

Thanks. And Dorothy, if Gladys calls, tell her I'll be able to make Bingo tonight.

Rose

Oh darn, I forgot something.

Blanche

Go in your pajamas!

Rose

No, it's not that, I forgot to say my prayers.

Dorothy

Oh Rose, God wouldn't mind if you skipped a night! He's very busy these days, most of his spare time is spent talking to Pat Robertson.

Dorothy

[deep voice, pretending to be God] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now shut up and get into bed.

Rose

Amen! [gets into bed]

Blanche

Nice work, Dorothy.

Dorothy

Wasn't me.

Blanche

[starts to look worried] Sweet Jesus, am I in trouble! [begins to pray] Now I lay me down to sleep...

Dorothy

Ma, don't be ridiculous, just turn up the heat.

Sophia

It's already on 9. On 10, you can cook a Lean Cuisine!

Rose

Dorothy, you didn't even taste my chipped beef.

Dorothy

Of course I did, Rose!

Rose

You didn't like it.

Dorothy

Oh, don't be ridiculous, I loved it.

Rose

[indicating the pile of untouched food on Dorothy's plate] Well, then have another bite.

Dorothy

[pauses for a second] Okay... [gingerly takes a forkful of the chipped beef, but just as she is about to open her mouth, there is a power failure and the kitchen goes pitch black]

Blanche

Oh no, the power lines must be down!

Sophia

That's just great. I've got ten pounds of fresh clams in the refrigerator.

Dorothy

Rose, that was delicious, oh, thank you.

Sophia

Who moved my purse? [struggles to lift her purse] And why does it feel so heavy?

Sophia

Eighty-one years I've eaten fish on Friday, even when the Pope told me I didn't have to. I go to Mass, I light candles, I say novenas, and for what? So it could all be flushed down the toilet because my daughter insists on going out with Father Happy Pants!

Dorothy

Ma, you're not making it any easier.

Sophia

Look, Dorothy, in the end only you can decide what's right for you, and whatever decision it is, I'll stand by it.

Dorothy

Thanks, Ma.

Sophia

Just remember, make the wrong decision, you'll burn in hell forever. Sleep tight, Pussycat.

Dorothy

[describing a dream she had] I was a contestant on The Dating Game, and I won. I went around the corner to meet the bachelor who picked me, and it was the Pope.

Blanche

Boy, that is a tough one. Where'd you go on the date?

Dorothy

Oh, forget it, forget it, good night Blanche.

You look lovely tonight.

Dorothy

I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer.

Blanche

Why Frank, you know, I've been thinkin', this is the third Saturday of our relationship and I don't even know what you like to eat. Why don't you come over for dinner this Saturday night and let me find out what [breathy and seductively] whets your appetite?

Dorothy

And what are you serving for dessert, Blanche, penicillin?

Dorothy

[sees Angela at the door] Aunt Angela!

No, Sophia Loren. I stopped using Oil of Olay.

Blanche

Sophia says she has no appetite since she was stabbed in the back.

Rose

Oh my God, who stabbed Sophia?!

Dorothy

The chef at Benihana, Rose.

Dorothy

[to Sophia and Angela] Gosh, you two made such a fantastic meal, I can't imagine what you came up with for dessert.

Rose

I made dessert!

Blanche

Damn.

Rose

What'd you say, Blanche?

Blanche

"Yum," I said "yum."

Dorothy

Rose, is this another one of those Scandinavian Viking concoctions?

Rose

Yes! It's called Geneuckenfluegen Cake. It's an ancient recipe, but I Americanized it.

Dorothy

So one might say you brought "Geneuckenfluegen" into the '80s?

Rose

Yes, but I'm not one to blow my own greteugenfruegen.

Sophia

I can't even reach mine!

Dorothy

Uhh, Aunt Angela? Where did you get this chicken?

The garage.

Blanche

I guess this means no live entertainment with dessert.

Blanche

Rose, honey, you've got to stop torturing yourself like this! Now Count Bessie is gone!

Rose

I know. It's just such a tragedy. Who cooks a musician at the height of her career?

Blanche

Rose, you've got to put this in perspective. Count Bessie was a chicken. It's not as if Angela had fried up Doc Severinsen!

Dorothy

[enters the kitchen] How are you doing, Rose?

Blanche

Not very good, Dorothy.

Dorothy

Oh, honey, now listen, you may not think so now, but in a few days, you'll feel better.

Rose

No, I won't. Because Mrs. Butell will be back by then. What am I supposed to say? "Welcome home! How was your trip? Oh, by the way..." [holds up Tupperware and starts to cry] "...here's Count Bessie!"

Rose

That's Sophia walking into the kitchen.

Sophia

I didn't know Fess Parker was in this picture.

Dorothy

Ma, what're you doing?

Sophia

I'm mugging for the camera.

Dorothy

You're mugging me! You're stealing out of my pocket!

Sophia

I'm checking to make sure you have the exact change for the bus... now I'm stealing.