Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Well, if anybody's going to do it, it should be me.

Al Mullins

Why you?

Dorothy

Because I am the best under pressure.

Sophia

And she bears a striking resemblance to Barnaby Jones.

Rose

[listening to a planted bug] They keep talking about that noodlehead in the red dress. Could that be code language?

Dorothy

Only to the noodlehead in the red dress.

Rose

[about Martha, a new neighbor] I followed her through the store and wrote down everything she bought.

Dorothy

Rose, they steal jewels, not Gino's Pizza Rolls!

Dorothy

[about Sophia] She's really a very sweet woman. She just doesn't like to show it.

Al Mullins

Is that a family trait?

Rose

You're the one who always complains that her birthday parties are dull and boring. When I saw Mr. Ha Ha's advertised on television, it looked like fun.

Dorothy

For a five year old, Rose. Or someone who thinks like one!

Mr. Ha Ha

Get up on stage, Dorothy!

Dorothy

Get bent, Ha-Ha!

Mr. Ha Ha

Well, it says here on my Ha Ha birthday list that Bobby is seven, Jeannie is nine, and Dorothy is...

Dorothy

I'll punch your heart out, Ha Ha!

Mr. Ha Ha

...Dorothy is the oldest!

Mr. Ha Ha

Come on, kids. Make a wish and blow out the candles. [the kids and Dorothy blow out the candles] I hope everybody gets what they wished for.

Dorothy

Do you really, Mr. Ha Ha? [holds up the cake]

Mr. Ha Ha

Dorothy, if I were you, I would put the cake down. You see, Mr. Music's brother is Mr. Lawyer.

Dorothy

Did you finish the decorations, Rose?

Rose

No, not yet. I, I kinda got sidetracked. [reveals a mouse-like balloon sculpture] Look. [laughs]

Dorothy

This is what you've been doing for the past forty-five minutes?

Rose

Uh-huh. Isn't he cute? I call him Scotty. [Dorothy pops the balloon]

Dorothy

Now you can call him garbage.

Dorothy

We are throwing a surprise birthday party for Blanche. I want you to go out to the lanai and mingle with the other guests.

Sophia

Check! ...What's a lanai?

Dorothy

The porch!

Sophia

Excuse me, Krystle Carrington!

Blanche

[on why she never suffered from Empty Nest Syndrome] I couldn't wait for my kids to get out on their own. I got depressed watching them grow older, 'cause it meant I was gettin' older. They were like noisy little calendars. The minute they all entered high school, I told everybody they were my husband's from a previous marriage.

Dorothy

And you wonder why they're in therapy.

Blanche

Girls, guess what I found. [takes a teddy bear from behind her back] Fernando!

Rose

That's not Fernando.

Blanche

Well what do you mean that's not Fernando? How could you tell?

Rose

All you have to do is look in his eyes.

Dorothy

Or at the price tag stuck to his back.

Blanche

She's not a sweet kid anymore. She is holding Fernando for ransom!

Dorothy

Come on....

Blanche

Dorothy, she sent me one of his ears!!!

Hello.

Dorothy

What do you want?

Well...I decided that it was wrong to ask for all those gifts.

Blanche

Oh, see, Dorothy? I knew that she was a sensible kid! She just needed-

I've decided that cash is better. That way I can buy exactly what I want.

Blanche

...I'll get my purse.

Rose

No, Blanche, I'm not going to let you do that. I've thought long and hard about this. If after all those years of love and companionship it's time for Fernando and I to part, well...I guess I have to accept that.

Rose

I guess we all learned something here today. Sometimes, life just isn't fair, kiddo.

Sophia

He's not coming back, is he?

Dorothy

No, Ma. His daughter took him to a clinic in New York.

Sophia

You think he'll remember me?

Dorothy

I don't know, Ma.

Sophia

I'll remember him.

Sophia

It figures. I just finished the scarf today.

Dorothy

That's nice, Ma! Next time we're in New York, you can stop by and bring it to him.

Sophia

No, I think I'll mail it. That way, I can always think of him as being here.

Sophia

Hey! Someone's sitting there!