Carlton Banks quotes from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Carlton

Freeze! Will, what the heck do you think you're doing?! You can't drink!

Will

Why not?!

Carlton

Because you're underage! It's against the law, mister!

Will

Thank you, McGruff the Crime Dog.

Carlton

Geoffrey, I need my Santa suit pressed. We can't have Nicky thinking Kris Kringle doesn't keep a sharp crease.

Will

Oh, but it's all right for him to think Santa's only three feet tall.

Will

Seeing how this is your first real date, I think there's a couple things you need to know. Listen, if you gonna hold the popcorn, you hold it UP in plain sight. So when he go reaching for the bucket, he don't miss, talkin' 'bout, 'oops'.

And stop at that gas station and make sure that tank is full.

Carlton

And if he tells you to pull his finger, don't do it.

Carlton

Will, let me tell you a story about The Grasshopper and the Ant.

Will

Carlton, I really don't feel like hearing about you and your little friends, okay?

Carlton

Just listen. See, the grasshopper goofed off while the ant worked hard storing food for the winter. And when the winter came, the ant had food, but the grasshopper starved to death. You know what the moral of the story is?

Will

Yep, even if we were insects, I'd be bigger than you.

Carlton

Hey, you wanna hear a little chemistry rhyme?

Will

No, not really.

Carlton

Here... little Timmy took a drink, but he will drink no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4! That's how I remembered the equation for sulfuric acid.

Will

Look. I got one, I got one. Little Carlton was a boy whose body was short and stumpy. He'd never shut his mouth, so I kicked his little rumpy!

Carlton

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Philip

I got him! I killed that little sucker!

Carlton

I thought you were in bed.

Will

Yeah, you also thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Carlton

Sorry, nervous habit.

Will

Sorry, nervous habit!

Will

He'll be there or my name isn't...

Carlton

WILL!

Carlton

Now remember, Will, we're looking for something that emphasizes good sense over style and excitement.

Will

How about a '94 You?

Will

Uncle Phil, you CANNOT go to the Hotel with that Woman.

Philip

It's just for a little dinner.

Will

Yeah, then dessert, the likes of which even you ain't never seen. Listen, Uncle Phil, Janice is the one that got away, right?

Philip

Yeah.

Will

Well, she ain't get away from me.

Philip

What?

Will

Uncle Phil, I was dropping Wendy off back at the hotel, right? And then you know I'm walking down the hall, and then Mrs. Robertson comes up and she asking me about the quake, so you know I'm going in and telling her and then she slips into something more comfortable. And then she grab these pictures, she's showing pictures of San...San-something, and then, you know, before I knew it, you know: ta-dow.

Philip

Ta-dow?

Will

Taaaaaa-dow.

Philip

Ta-dow. OOOH! YOU SLEPT WITH JANICE!

Ashley

[As her Father] Ashley, go to your room.

Carlton

Oh, I love this!

Ashley

[As her Father] And take Carlton with you.

Carlton

Hey I'm not going anywhere.

Philip

You heard what I said.

Will

C'mon, Carlton, let's go!

Carlton

I thought you said you wanted to do it alone.

Will

I do. If I win, I need a witness. If I lose, you're my blood type.

Will

Listen, man, you've kicked me off this court for the last time!

I don't even remember kicking you off the first time.

Will

You really don't remember me?

No.

Will

Hey, can I borrow that ball? (he takes a basketball from one of Omar's friends) Let me give you a little hint. (he hits Omar in the head with the ball)

Oh, I remember you now. But I'm not like that anymore.

Will

Really? You still look like that same bald-headed punk to me.

Oh, yeah, I remember you. You're the chicken sandwich guy.

Will

I AM NOT A CHICKEN! My momma made me move. My momma made me move. I'd never leave Philly. I love it here.

So do I. That's why I started talking to the kids so that they won't make the same mistakes I did.

You have no choice.

Will

Oh yeah? You so stupid, you thought a quarterback was a refund. And you're so ugly, that when you were born, the doctor slapped both your parents. And your mom, oh my goodness. She's like a doorknob, everybody's had a turn.

Will

I guess the mom's the red button.

Will

Alright, let's go. Come on. (He tucks his head with hands.)

Look, I know what you're trying to do, but I'm not going to hit you.

Will

(get up) Then, I'll tell everyone you're a punk.

Be my guest.

Will

What about your rep?

You see those guys? (points at his friends) That's my rep. Brother, you need to grow up.

Will!

Carlton

Let me know if you need me.

Will

Yeah, where is Carlton? He had better have a good reason for standing Nicky up.

Carlton

Will locked me in the closet!

Did you just put super glue in my hair gel?

Will

That's what you get for stealing my girl.

Carlton

I didn't have to steal her. She was bored with you, so that she has to come to a real man.

Will

So, what you're saying is that I'm not a real man?

Carlton

You got that right. It's like this "Hey, baby, (doing his pelvic thrust) pap, pap, stuff". It worked in high school, but now, it's just embarrassing!

Will

Take it easy there, stumpy.

Carlton

And you know what? I'm also getting tired of the short jokes. I'm average height.

Will

For a woman!

Carlton

I'm large enough for Valerie.