Carlton Banks quotes from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Carlton

You can't understand and respect women because you're not in touch with your feminine side.

Will

And you know what your problem is? You're not in touch with anybody's feminine side.

Carlton

It's pronunciated Porsche!

Hilary

Paw-shuh!

Carlton

Porsche!

Hilary

Paw-shuh!

Hilary

San-trow pay!

Carlton

Saint Tropez!

Will

Carlton, what's wrong? Are you having a Malox moment?

Carlton

I'm getting ready for Soul Train. I believe there's dancing involved.

Will

Two things. One: That's not dancing. And two: I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from the show.

Carlton

And why, pray tell, is that?

Will

Again, two things, Carlton. One: Because you say stuff like "pray tell". And two: You're gonna embarrass me when I become the new co-host.

Will

You see, Soul Train's been looking for a co-host for months, and so far no one's worked out.

Carlton

And they're gonna give you the job based on your love for Don Cornelius dolls?

Will

[annoyed] It's not a doll, it's an action figure! And you've got no business being on the Soul Hyundai, let alone the Soul Train.

May I have a volunteer.

Carlton

Oh, pick me, oh Great Mentos, pick me!

Will

Oh, shoot me, oh Great Mentos, shoot me!

Will

Yo, Carlton, people are complaining there ain't no bacon on the BLT's.

Carlton

Well, where’s the law that says the "B" has to stand for "bacon"? Read the damn sign!

Will

Bread, lettuce and tomato!?

Will

Oooh, I wonder what's in here? [drops and breaks the gift]

Carlton

Probably something that has to be replaced.

Will

Looka here, looka here. Look at these cute little money-sized envelopes. [extracts cash] BOOM-BYA! This is one of my favorite presents: Ben Franklin! [to the $100 bill] Excuse me, Ben, allow me to show you to your seat... [inserts the bill into his back pocket and spanks it]

Will

Tell me this, Doogie. How is it possible that we are losing?

Carlton

I can't pull a battle to save my life.

Carlton

I had my knife. I went into the wild. But how's a little brave supposed to survive with all these bells and whistles? Well, the madness is over. I'm Carlton again.

Will

Carlton, look. A quarter.

Carlton

WHERE!? (he crawls on the floor, looking for the quarter)

Will

You're pathetic!

Carlton

You're right, Will. I've hit rock bottom. How come you can see the quarter and I can't?

Will

Because there ain't no quarter. (he slaps Carlton in the head)

Carlton

Come on, eight. Eight. I need an eight.

Will

Carlton, what the hell are you doing?

Carlton

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm gambling.

Will

You can't bet all your money on one number.

And the winner is... eight.

Will

Yes, I love you man!

Carlton

We're not up. We're down.

Will

Wht do you mean "we"?

Carlton

Well, after I maxed out my credit cards-

Will

Carlton, you maxed out your credit cards?

Carlton

Well, yeah. I couldn't get full value for the airline tickets.

Will

You hocked our airline tickets?

Carlton

Well what do you expect? I only got $200 out of your ATM card. Word to the wise, Will, never leave your PIN number in your wallet.

Carlton

Whatever's on the table.

Will

Wait a minute...

Will

YES!

...teen.

Will

NO! Wait, that says eighteen. We got eight. We should get something.

Carlton

Hey guys. Look what I found.

Ashley

Hey, it's the dummy.

Will

Yeah and he found Safety Guy.

One, two, three! Hey, Ashley! [beatbox] Will and Carlton are sorry! [beatbox] Hey, kitty-cat! Hey, kitty-cat! Hey, kitty-cat! Help-help me out!

[beatbox]

We care about you very much!

Ple, ple, ple, ple, ple, ple, ple, please forgive us! [beatbox]

Ashley

Thanks to you, now I'm gonna be working at Dippity Doo Dog until I'm dippity dead!

I think it worked. I think she's feeling much better.

Will

I think you've been smokin' a little bit too much of that catnip.

Hey! You take that back!

Will

Carlton. It's over.

It's not over! (Talking to himself) What does he mean it's over?! It can't be over!