Carlton Banks quotes from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Will

Uncle Phil, I am telling you he kissed her right on the lips.

Carlton

It was more on the cheek dad.

Will

But he was aiming for her lips and he missed. He's aggressive and inaccurate and that's a dangerous combination!

Will

Yo, what's up, y'all? You know if Uncle Phil's in a good mood? I'm trying to hit him up for $50 for the homecoming.

Carlton

Will, $50 is only gonna cover the tickets. There's still the tux, the limousine, the pre-party party, the post-party party, and, in your case, bail.

Will

Yeah, you're right. This could cost a fortune.

Hilary

Oh, That's okay. Daddy's got a fortune. I always find that when you ask for large sums, it helps if you take his hand look deep into his eyes, and tell him you have cramps.

Carlton

That only worked for Hilary. When I tried it he sent me to a specialist.

Carlton

(about the PSAT) I don't believe it. You couldn't have done better than me. Somewhere, there's an Asian Will Smith and he's really ticked.

Will

Carlton, it was one measly little percentile point, all right? But I won't hesitate to throw it in your face if you don't leave me alone.

Carlton

Well, everyone still knows I have the superior intellect. (he sprays the kitchen window)

Will

Than why are you using car wax on the window?! (patronizing voice) This a window. This Windex? Can you say that little man?

Carlton

I'll be subjected to overcrowding, bad food, and daily threats of violence. I'll have to get a Jheri Curl and tattoo.

Will

Carlton, They're not gonna send you to jail for cheating on a test.

Carlton

I wasn't talking about jail, I was talking about public school!

Will

Hey, grandma. What do you think?

Carlton

It's a bet, Grandma.

Hattie

Don't tell me what happens if you lose. In fact, I don't want to know what happens if you win. Oh, Hell. Let's just never mention it again.

Carlton

Dad, it's not what it looks like. Will and I are making a dress.

Philip

That's exactly what it looks like.

Cousin Carlton, Tomorrow, can you take me to Disneyland?

Carlton

Forget it. I will not be an accomplice to the murder of Mickey Mouse.

Carlton

I was thinking, since Janice is of the Negroid persuasion and Frank is of the Caucasoid persuasion, we could try these songs for the wedding...

Carlton

So, Will, what did you think?

Will

I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth.

Will

Yo! Yo! Yo! We're here to display...

Carlton

A look at a woman who's 40 today.

Hilary

She's smart and well-dressed, so just to give thanks...

Ashley

This is your life, Vivian Banks.

Carlton

Will, it's nice of you to help Mom and Dad with their bags.

Will

Oh yeah, man. I mean, they treat me so good here, I do whatever I can to repay their kindness.

Carlton

Can't wait for them to leave either, huh?

Will

Does Barry White want seconds?

Will

Carlton, skiing is for white guys named Sven, and O.J. Simpson.

Carlton

Oh, Will, you deprived product of the ghetto. Skiing is an exhilarating sport.

Will

What is exhilarating about strapping two sticks to your feet, flying down a hill at 90 miles an hour, and then slamming into a tree?

Carlton

Will, you shouldn't be eating that garbage. Everybody knows while you're in training: no fats, no chocolate and no women.

Will

Then I should probably cancel my date with that fat chocolate woman.

Carlton

Will, you better listen to me if you want me to be your manager.

Will

My manager? I don't even want you to be my cousin.

Carlton

I didn't hear that.

He says, HE DON'T EVEN WANT YOU BE HIS COUSIN!

Carlton

What do you think of this one, Dad?

Philip

I look like Little Richard, Attorney at Law.

Geoffrey

Dinner is served. (sees Philip) A-whop-bop-aloobop-a-wop-bam-boom!

Will

I know my Ma. She's just trying to get to her retirement plan and her rocking chair.

Carlton

Is that why she's moonwalking up the driveway?

Take it off!

Put it on! Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute!

Carlton

Mommy?!

Philip

I wanna know what excuse you two have for pulling such a stupid stunt.

Carlton

We needed the money.

Philip

For what? And I want the truth.

Will

All right. It's like this Uncle Phil. See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.

Philip

Federal offense. Go on.

Will

Then we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock.

Philip

Grand Larceny. Impressive.

Will

Then we lost the money, so we had to strip to get the bracelet back.

Philip

That would be indecent exposure. Is there more?

Carlton

I'm afraid so dad. We never got the clasp fixed on mom's bracelet.

Philip

You never got...I don't know what to say. What can I do? What do you boys think I should do?

Will

I don't know...reward us for our honesty? (they laugh again) Hey, it worked for the Beave!

Philip

"The beave"!

Philip

[loudly] DO I LOOK LIKE A WHITE GUY NAMED WARD?! Now, you get that bracelet back and for the next six weeks, I don’t want to hear you breathe. Or I’m calling the feds MYSELF!

Will

[pause] I guess this probably ain’t the best time to tell him we ran over the mailbox.