Will Smith quotes from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Philip

Vivian's gonna kill me.

Will

Calm down, Uncle Phil. You're winning a lot of points with this second marriage thing. I'm sure whatever you did, Aunt Viv will forgive you.

Philip

I lost my wedding ring.

Will

I see. Where shall we scatter the ashes?

[in the middle of Musical Jeopardy!] The answer is a clef.

Will

Oh! What is, that thing that Michael Jackson had built into his chin?

Philip

[to Will as he walks in the room] Excuse me! Is this what you've been tellin' my boy?!

Will

What?

Philip

That life is one big orgy?!

Philip

Well, college is hard work, son. Followed by a family, which is even more hard work! And a teenage daughter who doesn't wanna be seen with you in public! And a wife! A wife who won't let you anywhere near her! And a butler! A butler who may be the father of your child! And a gardener! A GUARD...!!

Carlton

DAD! DAD!

Trevor

(on TV; proposes to Hilary) Hilary Banks!

Hilary

Yes, Trevor?!

Trevor

Will you marry me?! (slams into the ground; whole family and Geoffrey watch in disbelief)

Will

I ain't no bungee expert or nothin', but I don't think he's supposed to be slammin' into the ground like that.

Hilary

"Please Stand By"? Great, the president's about to interrupt my marriage proposal.

Philip

Let's just pray that Trevor's okay. (later, after returning from Trevor's funeral) It was a lovely service.

Will

Trevor didn't look so bad for a dude that had a concrete facelift.

Carlton

Fool! Like that was his real head.

Could you two show a little compassion? Your sister is right behind you.

Hilary

I still can't understand.

Sweetheart, the lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

Hilary

No, I mean technically, am I a widow or what? This is all my fault, if I hadn't asked for a special proposal, Trevor would've been in my arms, instead of in my purse. (Pulls out a small urn.) I love you, Trevor. (Cries)

Will

Um, Hilary? Trevor wasn't cremated.

Hilary

Eww! Then who's this? (Hands the urn to Will who in turn, passes the urn to Geoffrey.)

Geoffrey

(Holding the urn) I'll see him to the door, sir.

Will

I'm taking... [looks at his class schedule] ...Western Pornography.

Carlton

[looks at schedule] Western Philosophy.

Philip

Western Philosophy, I'm impressed.

Carlton

He doesn't even know what Western Philosophy is.

Will

I do, too. It asks questions like, "Did anybody really think Kool Moe Dee was a cowboy?" (singing) The Wild Wild West. The Wild Wild West.

Carlton

(singing) I used to live downtown, on 29... (stops singing)

Philip

The man [his old college professor] changed my life. And you know how he did? He challenged me.

Will

To what, a pie eating contest?

Carlton

Carlton the peacock says "Don't be a quitter. Pick up your litter."

Carlton

Come on guys, help me up.

Will

Yeah, we need clean-up in aisle five. There's some bird droppings.

You ain't ever gonna change! I'm getting the last word! No, you're not! Oh, yes, I am! Damn!!

Carlton

(singing Kenny Rogers' The Gambler) You got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away...

Will

Don't know when to shut up.

Will

I'm from West Philadelphia, born and raised. On the playground is where I spend most of my days. I ain't got no fancy court room talk or a law degree from Princeton like my worthy adversary Judge Philip Banks. But what I do have is the truth! (slams palms on table in front of Philip)

Philip

Oh, shut up, Will! Your Honor, this man is making a mockery of the entire legal system!

Will

And this man is making a mockery of a finely cut Italian suit!

Philip

Do you know how humiliating it is to have a son who can't swim?

Will

Listen, Uncle Phil--

Philip

SILENCE! If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you!

[appears] Hello, Mr. Banks--

Philip

What's she doing here?

Will

Uncle Phil, s-she wandered over lonely and crying, and I didn't have the heart to turn her away--

Philip

HIT THE BRICKS, YOU LITTLE TRAMP! Go on! [Stephanie runs off crying] And tell your mother your father has a girlfriend! [to Will] I'm going back into the house, and when I come out, I want all these freeloading parasites OUTTA HERE! [snarls]

Will

Y-yes, sir! Within the hour!

Philip

FIVE MINUTES!

Will

FOUR!

Philip

Alright, Will. If that's the way you want it. [walks off, laughing maniacally]

Will

O.K., Miss Banks. You were the former tenant of the aforementioned pool house. Is that correct?

Hilary

Yes.

Will

O.K., could you please tell us of your experiences there?

Hilary

Am I under oath?

Of course.

Hilary

Well, Trevor would come over at about 3:00 in the morning and we would...

Objection!

I don't want your hand, I want my rent.

Will

Oh, come on, Uncle Phil. Haven't you learned anything from all of this?

Yeah, never rent from relatives.

Will

Carlton, do you realize that they're workin' you harder than everybody else?

Carlton

Nonsense. We all had to repave the parking lot.

Will

Yeah, but the rest of us got to wear shoes.

Will

And in the words of my illustrious cousin, I'm-a make like a tree and leave.

Carlton

I never say that. It's make like a banana and split.

Will

Okay. I'll keep that in mind. [laughs]