Will Smith quotes from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Philip

Come on people, I weigh the same I weighed back in high school.

Will

Yeah, if you add up all 4 years.

Carlton

Look, I don't wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay?!

Will

Carlton, there's gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose.

Carlton

Not my father!!

Will

Everybody's father! Except mine, cause I don't know where the hell he is!!

Philip

Would you do me a favor, Will?

Will

Uncle Phil, we are not stoppin' fa' no burger!

Philip

No. No. No. Would you tell Carlton to look after the family just in case this is my last ride?

Will

Your last ride? Whatcha talkin' 'bout, man? We gonna go for plenty o' rides in ambulances, man.

Hilary

I can't stand the sight of his mole!

Will

You're making a mountain out of a mole, Hil!

Will

If you walk out on Scott now this could haunt you for the rest of your life.

What do you mean?

Will

Well, you might never go out again. You'll become one of them crazy old women who walk around all day with a shower cap on, with an ol' raggedy halter top that says "Jam!". Then you gonna start wearing rhinestone gauchos. Then, just for no reason, you'll say "Dum dum de-day!". And you'll be eating neckbone sandwiches all the time and screaming at your lil' imaginary dog, Brutus. And you know what the worst part is?

What?

Will

The only man you'll get is some fool named Grady. He'll be smelling like menthol all the time and falling asleep in his soup.

Carlton

Freeze! Will, what the heck do you think you're doing?! You can't drink!

Will

Why not?!

Carlton

Because you're underage! It's against the law, mister!

Will

Thank you, McGruff the Crime Dog.

Carlton

Geoffrey, I need my Santa suit pressed. We can't have Nicky thinking Kris Kringle doesn't keep a sharp crease.

Will

Oh, but it's all right for him to think Santa's only three feet tall.

Will

Seeing how this is your first real date, I think there's a couple things you need to know. Listen, if you gonna hold the popcorn, you hold it UP in plain sight. So when he go reaching for the bucket, he don't miss, talkin' 'bout, 'oops'.

And stop at that gas station and make sure that tank is full.

Carlton

And if he tells you to pull his finger, don't do it.

Carlton

Will, let me tell you a story about The Grasshopper and the Ant.

Will

Carlton, I really don't feel like hearing about you and your little friends, okay?

Carlton

Just listen. See, the grasshopper goofed off while the ant worked hard storing food for the winter. And when the winter came, the ant had food, but the grasshopper starved to death. You know what the moral of the story is?

Will

Yep, even if we were insects, I'd be bigger than you.

Carlton

Hey, you wanna hear a little chemistry rhyme?

Will

No, not really.

Carlton

Here... little Timmy took a drink, but he will drink no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4! That's how I remembered the equation for sulfuric acid.

Will

Look. I got one, I got one. Little Carlton was a boy whose body was short and stumpy. He'd never shut his mouth, so I kicked his little rumpy!

Carlton

I thought you were in bed.

Will

Yeah, you also thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Ashley

Why are you guys still up? You're making it really hard for me to sneak in.

Will

Ashley, you know full well if you wanna sneak past Uncle Phil, you don't go through the kitchen.

Carlton

Sorry, nervous habit.

Will

Sorry, nervous habit!

Will

Ashley, listen to me. Guys are only after two things,-

Ashley

(interrupting) I thought they were only after one thing?

Will

Yeah, but they wanna do it more than once...

Will

He'll be there or my name isn't...

Carlton

WILL!