WillCome on, Aunt Viv, this is terrible. I mean, people in Bel-Air don't know how to celebrate Christmas. I'm worried about Ashley.
Will
Growing up in Bel-Air, she never had a real Christmas. I mean, there's no sledding, there's no caroling... There's no winos making snow angels on the front lawn. I mean, y'all don't even decorate the living room.
Yes, we do. We've already started. The poinsettias, the red candles and here's the beautiful crystal nativity your uncle gave me for Christmas years ago.
Will
Where the little baby Jesus at?
Will
That little disk?
There are more decorations coming. A wonderful shop in Beverly Hills comes to the house, sets up the tree and decorates it for us.
Will
Do they open your presents and wear your sweaters for you, too?
Will (to Vivian): I read the autobiography of Malcolm X.
And that makes you a serious black history student?
Will
It's a very important book.
Will, you can read the books, you can wear the T-shirts, you can put up the posters and you can shout the slogans, but unless you know all the facts, you are just trivializing the entire struggle.
Will
Oh? What about my momma?
KKayla
Your momma is so fat, they showed her a picture of her feet and she couldn't identify them.
Will
Well, your momma is so dumb, she went to the theater and it said 'Under 17 Not Admitted' so she went home and got sixteen of her friends.
KKayla
You know what? I shouldn't talk about your momma. I feel sorry for your momma. Having such an ugly child.
Will
(outraged) Ugly?
KKayla
You're so ugly, your momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck just so the dog would play with you.
Will
You're so ugly, your momma had to feed you with a slingshot.
KKayla
You're so ugly, that isn't a fade on your head. That's your hair running away from your face.
Will
Well you're so ugly that...uuhh...baby, you so fine.
Will
I would kiss you, but I just had a chili dog.
HDr. Hoover
Your daughter suffers from displaced aggression syndrome.
Oh, Dr. Hoover, I'm afraid I would have to give a second opinion before I could believe that.
HMrs. Hoover
Oh, it's definitely displaced aggression syndrome.
HDr. Hoover
Let me put it in simpler terms. This is where a child acts out the repressed hostility of an unhappy home.
And what is that supposed to mean?
HMrs. Hoover
Oh, too many big words?
No, Miss Thing, but I got a couple small words for you.
Will
[enters] Hey, good news, people. The girls...
HDr. Hoover
Obviously, your wife is upset. It's common with women in mid-life. I'd be happy to prescribe something.
Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree? You find it on the back of a matchbook?
Will
Please, my humble brothers, please...
HDr. Hoover
Penn State, my brother.
Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Wharton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through.
HDr. Hoover
Impressive! You must've been quite an athlete in your thinner days.
Will
Okay, time out! Time out!
Hey, hey, hey! Let's stick to the topic, okay?
HDr. Hoover
Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter oughta be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized.
Well, speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter suits the criminal profile to a T. Right down to the low, sloping forehead, and the wide jaw suitable for grains and small rodents!
HDr. Hoover
I think you must have her confused with yo' mama.
[Philip punches him, and Hoover falls on Will]
Will
That's it, Uncle Phil! You're grounded! [to Dr. Hoover] Y'know, I'd be happy to prescribe something for that.
Will
Yo, what's up, y'all? You know if Uncle Phil's in a good mood? I'm trying to hit him up for $50 for the homecoming.
Will, $50 is only gonna cover the tickets. There's still the tux, the limousine, the pre-party party, the post-party party, and, in your case, bail.
Will
Yeah, you're right. This could cost a fortune.
Oh, That's okay. Daddy's got a fortune. I always find that when you ask for large sums, it helps if you take his hand look deep into his eyes, and tell him you have cramps.
That only worked for Hilary. When I tried it he sent me to a specialist.
(Will and Carlton enter the kitchen with cleaning equipment)
(about the PSAT) I don't believe it. You couldn't have done better than me. Somewhere, there's an Asian Will Smith and he's really ticked.
Will
Carlton, it was one measly little percentile point, all right? But I won't hesitate to throw it in your face if you don't leave me alone.
Well, everyone still knows I have the superior intellect. (he sprays the kitchen window)
Will
Than why are you using car wax on the window?! (patronizing voice) This a window. This Windex? Can you say that little man?
I'll be subjected to overcrowding, bad food, and daily threats of violence. I'll have to get a Jheri Curl and tattoo.
Will
Carlton, They're not gonna send you to jail for cheating on a test.
I wasn't talking about jail, I was talking about public school!
Will
Hey, grandma. What do you think?
Hattie (walking in the living room to see Carlton in a dress being sewn by Will): Six years of Oprah and this is still a shock.
Don't tell me what happens if you lose. In fact, I don't want to know what happens if you win. Oh, Hell. Let's just never mention it again.
Philip (walking in the living room to see Carlton in a dress being sewn by Will): Son -- and I use that term loosely.
Dad, it's not what it looks like. Will and I are making a dress.
That's exactly what it looks like.
[After seeing Janice's fiancé for the first time]
Gee, when Janice described him, she didn't mention that he was... tall. Not that I have any problems with people who are... tall.
LLester
My cousin used to date a girl who was, uh... tall.
Heck, the boys go to a predominantly... tall school.
Will
Am I alone in this, or did none of y'all notice he was white?
VVi
What the hell is wrong with Janice?!
Will
Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "white"? [smiles weakly] I meant "tall".
He didn't seem that tall to me.
I was thinking, since Janice is of the Negroid persuasion and Frank is of the Caucasoid persuasion, we could try these songs for the wedding...
[Carlton sings a few lines from "Ebony and Ivory" by Paul McCartney then "Jungle Fever" by Stevie Wonder]
So, Will, what did you think?
Will
I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth.
(Will enters the kitchen carrying two suitcases.)
Will, it's nice of you to help Mom and Dad with their bags.
Will
Oh yeah, man. I mean, they treat me so good here, I do whatever I can to repay their kindness.
Can't wait for them to leave either, huh?
Will
Does Barry White want seconds?
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air · 318 quotes
