Drew quotes from The Drew Carey Show

Drew

Listen, when you guys fix a dog, do you keep anything? (Beat) Well,, if that offends you, your world must be pretty damn small! (he hangs up) Lucky's charms are gone.

Drew

There's no more Ding-Dongs in Lucky's lunch box.

Drew

What if I have to fire you? And I'm sure I'm gonna have to.

Kate

Look, you don't have to fire me. You can kill me, how's that?

Drew

Well, that might solve some problems, but, you know, it may create others.

Drew

Ask me about my day, I dare you.

Lewis

Drew, how was your day?

Drew

You're not sincere enough.. [Points to Oswald] YOU! Ask me about my day.

Oswald

Drew, how was your day?

Drew

Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.

Kate

Did you and Pam have a fight?

Lewis

No, we were just in the neighborhood and...she kicked me out of the car and drove away.

Drew

Did you try to get her to wear that thing again?

Lewis

Yeah.

Lisa

Excuse me, Mr. Carey?

Drew

I'm sorry, my father's Mr. Carey. I'm Mrs. Carey.

Lisa

Want to smile so I know you're kidding?

Oswald

Did the pizza I ordered get here yet?

Drew

The pizza you ordered at my house? The place where I might not be? The guy who couldn't get a date if dates were magnets and his butt was due north?

Lisa

Hey, I'm just making small talk. I do that when I'm nervous. What do you do?

Drew

Isn't it obvious?

Lisa

You eat?

Drew

Shut up. I sweat.

Drew

Wait! I want kids!

Lisa

Drew, I can't do this for you.

Drew

Then I'll have the kids. Look. I have child-bearing hips.

Lisa

It wouldn't have worked out. Your face is too fat.

Drew

Yeah? Well, your calves are too close to your ankles.

Lisa

Your ears aren't level. [walks away]

Drew

[shouting] Yeah, neither are your breasts! [quieter] Did I just say that aloud in front of the entire office?

Drew

Ms. Bobeck, will you please tell the court what you told me out in the hall? And remember, there were witnesses! [gestures to Kate, Oswald and Lewis]

Mimi

I said I think you're a disgusting pig and I hate your guts with an all-consuming passion.

Drew

After that.

Mimi

I'd do whatever it took to get you put away.

Drew

After that.

Mimi

You four-eyed butt weasel.

Drew

Your honour, I would like you to consider this witness's testimony impeached and I also would like to request a 10 minute recess because, well, that hurt!

Drew

How did I harass Nora by putting up that cartoon? Define sexual harassment for me!

Lewis

According to this, sexual harassment is any unwelcome touching or advance.

Drew

That's every sexual advance I make!

Kate

How did it go?

Drew

We had really great seats. You could almost see the Angel of Death right behind Keith Richards.

Kate

Don't worry about Drew, he's just a big teddy bear! [Rubs his stomach.]

Drew

Kate, don't rub my stomach. How'd you like it if you were in a business meeting and I went over and honked your breasts?

Kate

[giving Drew a reason to ask out Janet] You're not seeing anybody.

Drew

Please, I'm already using that excuse for not exercising.