A character in The Drew Carey Show
Played by Diedrich Bader
The Drew Carey Show · 94 quotes
4th most-quoted character in The Drew Carey Show: in 19 of its 94 quotes
Most scenes with: Drew (11), Lewis Kiniski (10), Kate O'Brien (4)
Ask me about my day, I dare you.
Drew, how was your day?
You're not sincere enough.. [Points to Oswald] YOU! Ask me about my day.
OswaldDrew, how was your day?
Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.
OswaldDid the pizza I ordered get here yet?
The pizza you ordered at my house? The place where I might not be? The guy who couldn't get a date if dates were magnets and his butt was due north?
OswaldShe sent a note... and it's a dirty note! 'The penis mightier than the sword!'
Let me see that...That's 'pen is,' you moron!
How about some 8-ball? Winner gets complete control of the loser's life.
OswaldWait, I already lost that to you last week.
Well, then you have no choice.
OswaldYou know, I was driving around today and I got the strangest feeling I was supposed to do something.
You were supposed to pick up my dad at the airport! Damn it! Now I gotta...
What the hell did I tell you about swearing?
Only at church and in front of old ladies! Hi, Dad!
[about Earl] So he is crazy?
OswaldHey, I don't want to be the first to call anybody crazy.
...I already did.
OswaldThen I concur. He's wicky in the wacky woo.
How could I miss it? We gave him a psychological profile. He passed with flying colors. Look. Under the question, "Have you ever experienced seizures, blackouts, or been institutionalized?" Says 'Never'
It doesn't say 'Never'; it says 'Over' as in 'turn over'.
No, it doesn't. [turns paper over] OH MY GOD!
What's it say?
Well, it says in so many words, technically speaking, that he's wicky in the wacky woo.
Sorry I'm late. I was signing up for DrugCo's testing program.
OswaldThey test drugs on employees?
Yeah, they used to test them on rats but they kept exploding.
Gee, doc, are there any side effects to this new drug? Well, just the one: kaboom!
OswaldHey, I want in on this! What kind of drugs are they testing?
Smart drugs.
OswaldThey got drugs that make you smarter? What do they do?
Well, our friend Oswald has stumbled onto a complex question: what is intelligence?
Well, it's not finding out rats explode and going "Hey, where do I sign up?"
[After Lewis and Oswald have been taking smart pills with no apparent effect]
OswaldLet's go get something soft to eat. My cavity is hurting and neurons are spiking through my cerebral cortex like electrons through a linear accelerator.
...What'd you say?
Oswald...I said, "Let's get yogurt."
Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought you said something smart. [They start to leave] Hey, are they still using linear accelerators?
OswaldActually, most particle accelerators are circular.
Don't you mean "elliptical"?
OswaldAh, but aren't all circles ellipses? [They laugh] ... where's the car?
[They look around stupidly]
I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Men are slime.
OswaldAmen to that, sister!
Besides, I can have any man in this bar! Am I right? [Climbs on table]
Hey, she's been drinking! And I know there's not a man in this bar who'd take advantage of a woman who's been drinking.
Oswald[whispering] I have a gun.
I have a gun!
OswaldSo, what are we listening to in the next hour?
I don't know, Whatever K-9 is.
You've finally got a guy you can take home to Mom. What's not to like? [to Jay] I'd lose the earring.
OswaldI'd take the hair down an inch.
And how 'bout a skosh more room in those jeans?
I want this promotion more than anything.
More than pubic hair when you were twelve?
Yeah, like I used that for the next eight years.
OswaldWhat's it for anyway?
It's like the lettuce on the fruit plate. It's just for presentation.
OswaldIf you'd bothered to swallow that, you would have realized it had absolutely no aftertaste.
(Takes a sip, puckers lips, then smiles) Hey! The rotten egg taste is gone!
Oswald, nobody's gonna buy a beer that sets your mouth on fire!
OswaldI know. (brings out a pitcher, then gives it back) We'll make our money on the water.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Drew Carey Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
