The Drew Carey Show · Season 3, Episode 8
“The Dog and Pony Show” · Season 3, Episode 8
In this episode: Drew (7), Lewis Kiniski (5), Mr. Wick (5), Oswald Lee Harvey (2), Larry (2), Kate O'Brien (1), Mimi Bobeck (1)
Drew, please tell me this isn't Mrs. Louder's dog!
Drew (nervous): No, tell me this isn't Mrs. Louder's dog...
What did you do? He was a prize breeding dog! They're supposed to look like that!
Drew (lamely): Well, it was hot...
Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, fur grows back, right?
Unfortunately, we had something done to him that...doesn't grow back. (Kate understands, and she kneels down next to Lucky.)
Kate (sympathetically): You're not really Lucky at all, are you?
Listen, when you guys fix a dog, do you keep anything? (Beat) Well,, if that offends you, your world must be pretty damn small! (he hangs up) Lucky's charms are gone.
Now, who the hell is that?
I've heard of animals finding their way home; Maybe it's Lucky's testicles.
Well, it was two knocks. (He opens the door to find Mr. Wick standing there.) Well, I was close.
I suspect that was an insult, Carey but I don't have time. I've come to get Lucky.
Drew (coquettish): Well, Mr. Wick...
I meant Mrs. Louder's dog. (Mr. Wick sees Lucky, but doesn't realize that it's him.) My God, Carey, your dog is butt-ugly!
There's no more Ding-Dongs in Lucky's lunch box.
I know what this is, Carey! This is part of your plan to get me fired, but it's not going to work!
I'm gonna get fired too!
I didn't say it was a good plan, you Yankee clipper!
Well, maybe looks don't really matter when you love your pet. (turning to Lewis) Remember that dog you had? he was ugly!
That wasn't a dog.
Then what was I feeding?
That was Chester, the DrugCo cat! By the way, he's a bear now.
I make good money but I can't touch a penny of it! I have a passion for the ponies.
A passion for ponies?! That's disgusting!
I BET on them, you moron!
What if one of us has surprisingly red hair?
My captain still wears his cap to dinner.
I can't do the Baby Elephant Walk. It just wouldn't be right.
I hear you're down a man, Carey.
Larry, what are you doing here?
Larry (smug): Got probation. I'm an upstanding citizen and a pillar of the community. Here's the deal: I'll take my clothes off for a hundred bucks.
Why should we let you join?
Wanna see what I bring to the party? (gestures to the bar) Step into my office... (They go behind the bar. Larry unzips his pants, and acts as if he's taking out something heavy. Drew stares at it dumbfoundedly for a second, then he rapidly downs a shot and looks at it again.)
You're in. (Larry nods and puts it back in his pants.) Geez, you think you'd be more popular.
How do you guys keep those packages up?
We've got Velcro.
You guys have Velcro?
I'm ready for you. (She takes out a magnifying glass.)
You know, Mimi, I might get excited and have to do a little lap dance... (He demonstrates. Mimi holds out a $50 bill.)
Here's my fifty bucks. Keep your punching bag outta my face.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Drew Carey Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
