Drew quotes from The Drew Carey Show

Drew

[Drew refuses to hire Kate] No! It's even worse than when friends have sex, 'cause at least then you had sex!

Drew

Man, a liquor store with a window on the side where you can buy whiskey, beer, whatever you want, while you're driving. God bless America! Just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Hey, no time to stop at a real bar, I've got things to do today! Places to go, people to hit!

Drew

[in his carpool] 8:41. You know, Larry, right about now, I got interviews stacking up at the office. Pretty much like you got angry motorists stacked up behind you. You think you could fire up the bullet train here?

Drew

[drafting a new memo] From now on, all employees will be required to bring their sense of humor to work every day. This replaces the current practice of shoving a stick up your butt!

Drew

I'm tired of giving in. I give in every day of my life! I give in to my boss, I give in to my neighbors, I even give in and buy American. And when that breaks, I buy American again!

Drew

Here's a joke that won't offend anybody: a person and a person walk into a place. There, that's it.

Drew

[making closing argument] That guy at Tiananmen Square wasn't trying to stop a tank; he was trying to tell a funny knock-knock joke. 'Knock Knock. Who's there? A big-ass tank.' Lighten up, people!

Drew

Basketball...is war. To lose...is to die. And last Saturday, we got killed. I am ashamed to be your coach. [throws his hat on the floor] Should we give up? Should we turn in our uniforms? Should we admit we're losers? Or should we stop the lollygagging and start playing some basketball?! Now listen up, ladies... [camera shows that he's coaching a team of girls] ...I'm not doing this for my health. I don't do anything for my health. I'm not doing this because the shorts make me look good. I got better shorts, shorts you'll never see. No, I am doing this for the Winfred-Lauder department store. And if I'm going to be volunteering my time, I want to see some effort! I want to see sweat! I want to see blood! I want to see someone get hurt!

Drew

Fudgesicle. I like anything on a stick.

Drew

Thanks, Mimi. You're a Saint...Bernard.

Drew

If Kate gets the job, then it's not because she's the best friend a guy could ever have. And if Lisa gets the job, then it's not because that's the only chance we have of dating. But if Mimi gets the job, I want you to kill me and find the microchip. I'd rather be dead than serve those stinking extraterrestrials!

Drew

This could work out, but you know, you'd have to be drunk all the time.

Drew

It's okay, Kate. There'll be other guys. Of course, your mom'll hate 'em, but eventually she'll be dead.

Drew

But it's a milk carton, little kids can't read... Hey, Can Timmy go out and play? No, I'm sorry, He just had a bowl of cereal and he's hammered.

Drew

(repeated line) I'm gonna lose my house.