Drew quotes from The Drew Carey Show

Oswald

She sent a note... and it's a dirty note! 'The penis mightier than the sword!'

Drew

Let me see that...That's 'pen is,' you moron!

Oswald

You know, I was driving around today and I got the strangest feeling I was supposed to do something.

Drew

You were supposed to pick up my dad at the airport! Damn it! Now I gotta...

What the hell did I tell you about swearing?

Drew

Only at church and in front of old ladies! Hi, Dad!

Kate

[about Earl] So he is crazy?

Oswald

Hey, I don't want to be the first to call anybody crazy.

Kate

...I already did.

Oswald

Then I concur. He's wicky in the wacky woo.

Drew

How could I miss it? We gave him a psychological profile. He passed with flying colors. Look. Under the question, "Have you ever experienced seizures, blackouts, or been institutionalized?" Says 'Never'

Kate

It doesn't say 'Never'; it says 'Over' as in 'turn over'.

Drew

No, it doesn't. [turns paper over] OH MY GOD!

Lewis

What's it say?

Drew

Well, it says in so many words, technically speaking, that he's wicky in the wacky woo.

Mimi

So, I see you've got a Bible there. Let me save you some reading; you're going to Hell.

Drew

Yeah, I've always wanted to see your place.

Drew

[After walking into Mimi's apartment] Wow! Suddenly my eyes won't focus.

Lewis

Boy, you go to a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap...

Lewis

Sorry I'm late. I was signing up for DrugCo's testing program.

Oswald

They test drugs on employees?

Lewis

Yeah, they used to test them on rats but they kept exploding.

Drew

Gee, doc, are there any side effects to this new drug? Well, just the one: kaboom!

Oswald

Hey, I want in on this! What kind of drugs are they testing?

Lewis

Smart drugs.

Oswald

They got drugs that make you smarter? What do they do?

Lewis

Well, our friend Oswald has stumbled onto a complex question: what is intelligence?

Drew

Well, it's not finding out rats explode and going "Hey, where do I sign up?"

Kate

I actually learned something about myself; I don't have to resort to anger.

Drew

You tried to kill that lady's dog and cat.

Kate

Oh, you heard that?

Should I cut off the airflow? Seal a few vents in the area? Takes the fight right out of them.

Drew

Nah, maybe later, just for fun.

Kate

Kiss me.

Drew

What?!

Kate

Kiss!

Drew

Hey, you don't know what you're saying. You're drunk. And you've been throwing up.

Kate

Besides, I can have any man in this bar! Am I right? [Climbs on table]

Drew

Hey, she's been drinking! And I know there's not a man in this bar who'd take advantage of a woman who's been drinking.

Oswald

[whispering] I have a gun.

Drew

I have a gun!

Oswald

So, what are we listening to in the next hour?

Drew

I don't know, Whatever K-9 is.

Drew

You were drunk? Oh no. What am I going to do with this ring? And I already broke up with Lisa. I told my mother. She was so happy. [Pretends to cry] How could you do this to me? I suppose the sex didn't mean anything to you either!

Kate

Drew?

Kate

You had so much to drink you couldn't even get your eyelids up.

Jay

But I don't have room in the cab.

Drew

Yeah, but you'd have room if your life depended on it, wouldn't you, buddy? Hear what I'm saying? Fire in the hole!

Drew

Hi, Mimi. Say, anyone ever mistake you for a woman?

Mimi

I'll have you know that men find me...

Drew

Yeah, I know. They find you with the lights out, or they find you at last call, or they find you blocking the view of the woman they want to hit on.

Drew

What do you think of Jay? He's a pretty nice guy, huh?

Actually, he scares the life out of me.

Drew

No, Oswald's the one with the curly hair.