[Donna is reading an Entertainment Weekly magazine, while Cleveland is texting]
Cleveland [laughs] Me and Lester are texting each other, Donna. Can you imagine him lying in bed next to Kimber. They look like the number 10. [laughs, sighs and gets depressed] I feel bad for Lester.
Hey, guys. I got a magic trick for you.
CCleveland
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Get out of here, Rallo! How do you know we weren't doing something prizy.
'Cause I don't hear "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang Now think of a number then write it down, and only use this pen and press really hard and then rip it off and don't let me see it. [Cleveland writes down a number, rip the paper off and tries not to let Rallo see it. Rallo then writes a number] Okay, what's your number? 10?
CCleveland
Yeah. Poor Lester. You trick, Rallo. Run along to bed.
Hold on, now. You haven't seen the incredible floating cigarette. [he has a cigarette hang from a string and tied to his finger]
Rallo, where did you get that cigarette?
Tobacco Company. Reppler's handing them out at the playground.
CCleveland
[to Donna] Smart. Now go back to bed.
One more, one more. [hands out cards] Pick a card, any card.
[Cleveland picks out a card]
CCleveland
Jack of clubs. Now go away.
Aw, man. [leaves and closes the door]
What are you so hard on that boy?
[a gunshot is heard as everybody runs out of The Broken Stool and screams. Lester shoots once more and misses the apple on Tim's head]
Dang, missed again. Huh, who am I kidding? I can't hurt a healthy snack.
CCleveland
Guys, I'm not sure about the hunting trip. Haven't found the right moment to run it by Donna yet. Not like I need a permission slip or anything.
Got mine. Signed by my mom.
[he and Tim high-five each other]
CCleveland
If I even mention it, she'll flip out. Something's got her all insane in the fem brain. I don't know what to do.
Lester, Holt and Tim: Lie to her.
With the Commodores, those cats are out of sight. Ya ding.
Does everyone in this family stuck in the '70s? Can any of you name a single current rapper?
CCleveland
What's a rapper?
Oh, Cleveland. You are stuck in the '70s. They're the guys who wear the gold chains and go "Whippity-bop, Flippity-bop."
CCleveland
[pretending he has a microphone] Ohh, Donna. That is fresh. Let's have some more of that.
[Cleveland and Donna start rap dance in front of Roberta]
Whooly-hop, Whooly-hoo. And a woop-a-doo-lo-doo.
CCleveland
Scratch, scratch, sratch. [uses Roberts plate as a record]
CCleveland
Don't give me no job.
[she and Cleveland stand together]
Well. If we're going on a '70s cruise, I'm gonna go get unwaxed.
CCleveland
Donna, you don't think I'm the whitest black man in America. Do you?
No, honey. What does that even mean?
May I take this? It means you were dancing like a little white girl so you could see a little white boy dance and sing for little white boys, white girls and a rainbow of pedophiles.
CCleveland
I was trying to win those tickets for Junior.
CJCleveland, Jr.
Keep me out of your freak show. [whispers] I really do want to go.
Look at you, you still say things like "Party over here!" and "Too legit to quit!"
[Cleveland walks up to Barbara's house and rings the doorbell]
BBarbara
[gasps] Cleveland Brown!
CCleveland
White lady I've never seen before!
BBarbara
[laughs] I thought if I raised you, Cleveland. I'm your nanny Barbara.
BBarbara
Look at you, all grown up. My Cleveland has come back to me. [wiggles her finger] Party over here!
[Cleveland is surprised]
CCleveland
We'll be white black.
[brandishing a bat] You havin' a nightmare?
No. But–what were you gonna do— Never mind. Check it out. [touches "The Eliminator" line with a ruler] The day is here. I'm tall enough to ride The Eliminator, the scariest roller coaster there is.
Fine. We'll go to Crazy Kingdom this weekend. [Rallo hugs her by the legs] Now I gotta get back before Cleveland realizes I'm not in bed.
CCleveland
[off-screen] Donna? DONNA! I'm trapped inside the duvet cover!
Mama, can I have some chocolate milk too for trying?
Of course you can have some. When you actually find something. Well, I'm off to the grocery store.
Don't forget that stuff Miss Lowenstein needs you to buy me for the recital this Sunday.
CCleveland
Oh, for Mother's Day?
[Donna moans as she heads to the door]
Uh. You mean, other's day, 'cause Sunday is just an other day. [laughs] Nothing special.
CCleveland
Huh. Nothing special my fanny. Check out what I made for my mommy for Mommy's Day. [lifts the present to reveal a clay model of Evelyn's head] I made a bust of my mom's head. [pours milk on it] It's also a volcano! [makes sounds as the milk explodes] Spew. Spew. Spew.
[sobs] Well, I'm running late for weeping in my car.
[leaves]
[Rallo throws Cleveland's project out]
Have you lost you mind? You don't mention Mother's Day in front of her. The woman was abandoned at birth by her mother.
CCleveland
Donna was? Oh yeah. [thinking] Poor Donna. Well, I'd better talk to her. Good thing I've been practicing my listening face.
[Cleveland is in bed with Donna as he listens]
Cleveland, what the hell are you doing?
AAnnouncer
And now back to Mystery Science Magic Johnson Theater 3000.
BGBlack Guy 1
Daaaaamn! The flying saucer just crashed and bleep, son!
BGBlack Guy 2
Awm snap, that alien is all leavin' the spaceship, yo!
BGBlack Guy 1
Oh-ho-ho! Now he's shootin' at the alien kid! He's shootin' at him!
Y'all shut up! I'm trying to watch a movie!
CCleveland
measuring the ruler, singing Hark the herald turkeys sing, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble...
CCleveland
gets poked by a dart by Rallo Aah! What the hell, Rallo?!
How come you felt that one and not the first four?
CCleveland
What? [sees darts behind] One, two, three, four... Whoa-whoa-whoa, okay, we're leaving that in there.
[Cleveland Jr. gobbles like a turkey]
CCleveland
[sobbing] Sometimes, I see so much of your mother in you.
[Junior puts a piece of bread in his mouth and one turkey snaps at it]
[chuckles] I choose this one, Daddy. He put his pecker in my mouth.
CCleveland
Okay, okay. Shoot it.
[hands Junior a shotgun]
What? I'm not shooting this turkey. Killing innocent animals is wrong.
CCleveland
No animals are innocent. They are guilty of something. Besides, you eat turkey all the time.
That's turkey the food. This is turkey the animal. Benjamin Franklin thought turkeys were so noble, he suggested they be America's national bird.
CCleveland
Benjamin Franklin was an atheist pedophile who flew kites to meet children. That's why God struck him with lightning.
I won't do it. Noooooooo!!!!!!
CCleveland
Guys, Donna and I are making a baby.
Yeah you did, six months ago. We all got drunk and played Truth or Dare – Holt got a tramp stamp, you got a vasectomy, and Tim tried meth.
One time, one time. [all teeth fall onto table] Okay, two.
CCleveland
A vasectomy?! So that's why my boys hurt for three weeks. I thought a spider had laid eggs in there.
The Cleveland Show · 168 quotes
