Got them old maps you wanted.
And Brussels phoned to see how you're getting on with your "Walks for Health." Apparently, they're getting a very good response from leisure centres throughout Europe.
There's mad buggers wandering all over the place! And the Germans have already marched through Poland.
Yes, alright, Julie, that's a commentary on walk number 38.
More? I'm gonna induce myself banging away on that keyboard all day, every day.
Send a copy to the liaison office at the Ramblers Association, I'm keeping them au fait with the developments...
Yeah, yeah... (exits the office)
MMan
Arms wide open, head back, a bit lower... (He and his family smile for the camera just as Mr Brittas and Gavin enter the swimming pool)
So Mrs Bidmead didn't take it?
Not as far as I know, Mr Brittas, no.
MMan
Right everybody, positions.
I might have known, it's you!
MMan
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
So now, you've added theft to your list of criminal activities, have you? (Points to the poster) That poster is Leisure Centre property. It's also central to an inquiry that I'm currently... (The poster goes in the water) You've really done it now! How can I continue my inquiry now you've destroyed the vital evidence. You are guilty of perverting the course of justice, so I have no alternative but to ban you from this leisure centre for the rest of your natural life.
Mr Brittas, I've... hit a bit of a snag. (Rushes into the changing rooms)
In a moment, my darling, just getting rid of these trespassers. (to the trespassers) Out you go, please... Out you go! Out you go there. (to Gavin) Right, Gavin, we are now in a position to close the Centre on the grounds that it is in fact a plague zone.
Gordon, could you come here a moment, please?
Yes, my angel! (Walks up to Helen)
I don't know quite how to put this...
(The man who was in the pool enters)
MMan
Oi, pillock! I've had enough!
(pointing to the man angrily) YOU are banned for life! Gavin, I thought we'd thrown him out.
MMan
You can't ban me, I'm on a public right of way!
Naaaaaaaahhh. (Points to the man) That's is where you are wrong, squire. Gavin, eject him forthwith!
(Then, Tim comes in, panicking)
I'm panicking! I'm panicking! I'm panicking! I've seen him... The Grim Reaper, we're all gonna die!
(As Tim says "we're all gonna die", the man who was in the pool throws the ring at Brittas who ducks, but the ring hits the rope holding the sign and the sign hits Harry who falls to the ground with blood coming out of his head)
(Horrified) Oh no! I think you've killed him! My husband!
What? (Observes that Harry has died) So, it's finally come to this. (to the man) In a desperate attempt to claim the prize, you've killed the real winner!
(Colin comes out of the staff rest room with a spray bottle in his hand)
With pleasure, Mr Brittas. We're finally going to arrest Mrs. Bidmead, are we?
[Mr Brittas, who is wearing a brown jumper, comes down to greet Mr Newmark in the leisure centre's reception]
NMr Newmark
Gordon, dear boy, Hail fellow well met. I come most carefully from my hour. (Pulls out his Father Christmas costume) Ah, old friend. It hardly seems a twelfth month since last I donned the scarlet robe.
Been a good year then, has it, Mr Newmark?
NMr Newmark
Quiet, Gordon, very quiet.
Yes. Did your agent send you here 'cause I haven't actually spoken to him this year.
NMr Newmark
Nor have I. NO! No, I am mistaken. We did have a brief chat in July. We were discussing my career as Father Christmas, and he told me that in Australia, they have Christmas during the summer, so I went over there in August. It's a complete lie. They have Christmas in December the same as we do.
Yes, of course, but the reason I haven't spoken to your agent, Mr Newmark, is we're not actually booking you this year.
NMr Newmark
Ho ho ho, you jest.
[laughs] No, I don't jest. You see, we're closing the leisure centre today and we're not open until after Christmas. Staff training in Wales.
NMr Newmark
But I always play Father Christmas.
Not this year. You're surplus to requirements.
NMr Newmark
You can't give Father Christmas the sack!
Don't tell me 'cause you already got one! [laughs]
