Colin quotes from The Brittas Empire

Colin

I'm not just going through the motions!

Colin

As I always say: a disease a day keeps the doctor away.

Laura

Laura Lancing, Deputy Manager Dry.

Colin

Colin Weatherby, Deputy Manager, wet.

Carole, can I have the solvent please?

Colin

It's no good, Mr Brittas.

Pardon?

Colin

She's in a trance. I think she's having another vision.

Well, do you think we could wake her up, Colin? I need the solvent.

Colin

I don't think that would be wise, Mr Brittas.

Carole

No, no, not more blood in here. Not in here, please!

Colin, the borough council employs Carole 'cause of her skills as a receptionist, not 'cause she claims to see into next week with an eye in the middle of her forehead. Wake her up, will you?

Colin

Mr Brittas?

What is it now?

Colin

You've got a telephone stuck to your ear, Mr Brittas.

I am aware of that, Colin!

Sebastian Coe, Colin! This is Sebastian Coe OBE MP!

Colin

Yes, Mr Brittas.

And you have chained him by the ankle to a staircase.

Why am I holding up a green flag?

Colin

He's out of my train set, Mr Brittas.

He doesn't look very like me.

Oh, I don't know. He's waving his arms about, blowing a whistle, nobody's taking any notice, and he's entirely made out of plastic.

Colin

Interesting walk, Mr Brittas?

Incident-packed, Colin, though not interesting per se. Certainly not as interesting as walk number 27.

Colin

Ah, yes, the roundabouts of Whitbury. Their verges and their bollards... Fascinating stuff.

A heady brew for any walker. Give me a hand with this, will you?

Colin

Certainly, Mr Brittas... (Starts removing the hose and wheel around Mr Brittas' neck) I've done two more walks myself, Mr Brittas, for your research.

Good man! Debrief in my office, ten minutes.

Colin

Wilco, Mr Brittas. I've also rigged up the "Face in the Crowd" display, but I'm afraid I have to report that. Mrs Bidmead has defaced the poster.

Dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Colin

Shall I call the police?

Not yet, Colin, I'd better look into the matter first.

Colin

If it should come to court, Mr Brittas, Carole here was a witness to the whole event.

Is this true, Carole?

Carole

Yes, Mr Brittas.

Colin

In fact, it was Carole who lent her the pen.

Really, Carole?

Carole

Well, I suppose so...

So you are in fact an accessory to this alleged act of vandalism?

Carole

Well, I suppose...

I would be careful what you say, Carole. I shall, of course, be holding a fully internal inquiry, but I'd strongly advise you not to say anything at all till you've spoken to your legal representative.

Carole

Yes, Mr Brittas...

Arms wide open, head back, a bit lower... (He and his family smile for the camera just as Mr Brittas and Gavin enter the swimming pool)

So Mrs Bidmead didn't take it?

Not as far as I know, Mr Brittas, no.

Right everybody, positions.

I might have known, it's you!

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

So now, you've added theft to your list of criminal activities, have you? (Points to the poster) That poster is Leisure Centre property. It's also central to an inquiry that I'm currently... (The poster goes in the water) You've really done it now! How can I continue my inquiry now you've destroyed the vital evidence. You are guilty of perverting the course of justice, so I have no alternative but to ban you from this leisure centre for the rest of your natural life.

Colin

Mr Brittas, I've... hit a bit of a snag. (Rushes into the changing rooms)

Let's go, please.

Helen

Er, Gordon?

In a moment, my darling, just getting rid of these trespassers. (to the trespassers) Out you go, please... Out you go! Out you go there. (to Gavin) Right, Gavin, we are now in a position to close the Centre on the grounds that it is in fact a plague zone.

Right, Mr Brittas.

Right.

Helen

Gordon, could you come here a moment, please?

Yes, my angel! (Walks up to Helen)

Helen

I don't know quite how to put this...

Oi, pillock! I've had enough!

(pointing to the man angrily) YOU are banned for life! Gavin, I thought we'd thrown him out.

You can't ban me, I'm on a public right of way!

Naaaaaaaahhh. (Points to the man) That's is where you are wrong, squire. Gavin, eject him forthwith!

I'm panicking! I'm panicking! I'm panicking! I've seen him... The Grim Reaper, we're all gonna die!

Helen

(Horrified) Oh no! I think you've killed him! My husband!

What?

Helen

My husband...

What? (Observes that Harry has died) So, it's finally come to this. (to the man) In a desperate attempt to claim the prize, you've killed the real winner!

Colin

Any more for sheep dip?

Colin, call the police.

Colin

With pleasure, Mr Brittas. We're finally going to arrest Mrs. Bidmead, are we?

With a television crew in attendance, the Olympic torch comes back from the town hall, held aloft symbolically by Linda. The Olympic torch then lights the Eternal Flame, which represents the fire of human endeavour burning forever.

Colin

It's gone out!

He's really got you going. I can almost smell the fear.

Colin

That could be me, Mr Brittas. Haven't been able to change me socks.

97 different ways of killing people!

I've just thought of number 98.

Julie

You don't need to put fish on the Ark. They can stay in the sea.

Colin

Eh?

Julie

Well, what's a flood to a fish? It's more room to swim around in.

Colin

Julie, you have a brain! I can see why that young man of yours wants to marry you.